Personality disorder(s)

[Cherrypop23]

Been with my bf a year and half, and we have recently discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future. Nothing immediate, but possibly over the next year.
As part of this discussion we have had some more serious conversations, and he did disclose that he has a personality disorder with a bad rep. I knew that he was seeing a therapist regularly, but I never pried since he hadn't volunteered any information about it.

Part of me is heartbroken that he never told me before, and I feel somewhat betrayed, but I also feel guilty for thinking this because that's obviously the reason why he didn't tell me. He is stable and reliable, has a very good job, and he is very self aware, incredibly intuitive and attentive most of the time. I know that he has done nothing wrong, and now I feel like a bitch for questioning his personality because of a label :(

He said he wanted me to know because he doesn't want to keep it secret from me, which I appreciate, but now I wonder if this is some sort of a test? Though he has never done anything like that before.

I really don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate that I do not have first hand knowledge on this topic. One of my friends is dating a guy with a PD and he is constantly threatening suicide etc and she is a wreck so maybe I am just tarring a whole group with one brush. I am talking cluster B here, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

@Radiodread

In OPs case; been together 18m, all going well and about to move in, no bad signs or issues, boyfriend had a difficult upbringing and has had to cut off his family as a result, he’s actively engaging in therapy and has been for some time (unforced) and he’s been honest with me and it was obviously a difficult thing for him.

I would absolutely look past the PD label. I would want to know more about the m behaviour in the past and what that entailed. Having been with someone for that long I would trust myself to have a much better judgement than a label from some time ago.

Can I ask why would Narcissistic Personality disorder put partners at risk? There’s nothing about violence. It’s just about being self absorbed and having an inflated sense of self. Fragile self esteem. I’ve met plenty of people like that.

All these things have a wide range as well. You can’t just make a judgement. Maybe reading this might help some people on here:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/life-with-antisocial-personality-disorder-aspd/

It is really quite clear you know fuck all about NPD if you summarise it as being 'a bit self absorbed'. You literally have no understanding whatsoever of the absolute psychological destruction these people can wreak on their partners nor indeed the destruction they wreak on every aspect of their partner's lives. Have you been living under a stone or something?

Honest to God I am temporarily stunned into silence.

@SquirrelSoShiny I didn’t say ‘a bit’ so you literally just made that up 😂

My point was that it’s not a PD that’s associated with violence so any suggestion it is incorrect 🙄

'It’s just about being self absorbed and having an inflated sense of self.'
Yeah that's minimising it. Just a bit. Like by a mile.

It's clear you have been fortunate enough to swerve NPD and ASPD. No one who experienced those personality types would ever underestimate them. Try and keep avoiding them forever.

@SquirrelSoShiny

I said ‘why would Narcissistic Personality disorder put partners at risk? There’s nothing about violence. It’s just about being self absorbed and having an inflated sense of self. Fragile self esteem.’

Are you going to answer my question or just keep on critiquing me?

Can't you just enjoy the relationship for what it is without living together.

Hiya the key thing here is how do you feel? Because if you feel happy. Content. Able to be yourself. Respected and safe that's fine.

If you feel anxious. Afraid. Intimidated. On egg shells. Unable to express yourself and high and low there's a problems.

If you honestly feel the relationship is OK and consistent that's fine.

I went out with a bloke who had alot of mental health issues in his family. His daughter had bipolar. His cousin had borderline. Alot of depression ran through his mother's side. He also was addicted to various things, depressed and the relationship was off balance permanently. I was never physically scared but always anxious, confused and over thinking. I didnt trust him.

Red flags for me were

Texting his ex and almost playing games with me and her. Keeping her photos in the house. Letting me know he would not be controlled about the communication he wanted to continue with her.

Facebook flirting. Messaging allsorts. On tinder.

Mood swings. Inconsistent. Sleeping weird times. Appetite changes. Poor finances. Always something wrong with him. Either his health or his home or his work.

Lies and strange things not adding up.

Shifting the blame. Causing rows over the most ridiculous things! Silent treatments.

Going through stages of being cold and moody. For 3 weeks at one point he was so off and pushing me away. Then he made a new Instagram up when I slept. He denied he'd made it and was following 2 local women.

Always borrowing money.

Changing the goal posts.

Never listening. Not interested in me or what I'm saying. Always hogs conversations. Does most the talking, but always claims I never shut up.

Talks on repeat about the same old stuff over and over again.

Addictions and shady people in his life.

Nothing to show for his age.

No family left talking to him and no decent friends

Actually quite a selfish dull person. Never did much. Always at home. Slept early like an old man or stayed up all night smoking and kept me awake.

Often sat on my own whilst he smoked or went out to buy pot

I could go on all night. But red flags will be allover if he's a narcissist

not every person with PD is violent, but OPs boyfriend has multiple charges related to assault so in this case risk of violence is very much on the table

@PaintedEgg Im absolutely not missing that at all, if you read the whole conversation I’m just responding to people.

If you read all the posts I’ve said the past violence is the thing to be concerned about, but if she’s ok with that then the label shouldn’t be a concern.

@Bonniethewestie to be honest, i think OP should be more concerned about that than about the label

what the label does is that it suggests that without constant treatment, this behaviour may well repeat itself

I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about behaviour that are known to be more common in people with certain conditions.

I think those labels matter because they do tell us something about potential needs of the person and risks associated with continuing the relationship.

She may still decide to stay - but she needs to consider that he may regress to his old behaviours when faced with particularly challenging situations, if they were to have children they will need to openly discuss risks involved and then she needs to think if she would be ok with that etc.

In the end, as much as it is about protecting herself, it's also about being realistic in what she can expect of him or what support he may need if she stays

My Mother has some sort of PD. The lies were constant. She talked such a good game of loving her kids, nobody dared question her.

She doesn't display her anger - I eventually realised she was perpetually angry. She enjoyed pushing me to hysteria, then she would ask in a cold, detached voice, what had upset me.

She subtly 'allowed' my siblings and I to be vulnerable. Leaving us home alone to go abroad on a mini break. Spending hours at the beach without an adult to watch us.

Even physical punishments, like dragging us by our hair, was done in the calmest way possible.

Her Mother was the same and I think one of my sisters and her dd have inherited the same PD.

I am NC with them all. I am frightened of them.

You can't change a person with PD or make them happy.

I am not trying to guilt trip anyone. OP was asking for opinions. This is my opinion. I think it would be harsh to leave him for this. I can have a different opinion then the majority group think here and share that to someone who has asked for opinions.

I'm very tired but wanted to give an update. I have spoken to him, and he has agreed that I can meet his therapist. I'll be honest I am not sure what I want to ask so I think I'll just take it from there. He said that he understands that I am confused and that he hopes that we can work this out.

It is really quite clear you know fuck all about NPD if you summarise it as being 'a bit self absorbed'. You literally have no understanding whatsoever of the absolute psychological destruction these people can wreak on their partners nor indeed the destruction they wreak on every aspect of their partner's lives

^^^this

One of the LEAST bad things that my ex did to me was hit me.

i am not tarring everyone with the same brush but having been involved with one person with NPD and one with BPD if it's either of these I would seriously think about continuing and do lots of research into the conditions.

@InternetE3plorer absolutely agree.