Personality disorder(s)

[Cherrypop23]

Been with my bf a year and half, and we have recently discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future. Nothing immediate, but possibly over the next year.
As part of this discussion we have had some more serious conversations, and he did disclose that he has a personality disorder with a bad rep. I knew that he was seeing a therapist regularly, but I never pried since he hadn't volunteered any information about it.

Part of me is heartbroken that he never told me before, and I feel somewhat betrayed, but I also feel guilty for thinking this because that's obviously the reason why he didn't tell me. He is stable and reliable, has a very good job, and he is very self aware, incredibly intuitive and attentive most of the time. I know that he has done nothing wrong, and now I feel like a bitch for questioning his personality because of a label :(

He said he wanted me to know because he doesn't want to keep it secret from me, which I appreciate, but now I wonder if this is some sort of a test? Though he has never done anything like that before.

I really don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate that I do not have first hand knowledge on this topic. One of my friends is dating a guy with a PD and he is constantly threatening suicide etc and she is a wreck so maybe I am just tarring a whole group with one brush. I am talking cluster B here, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

I don't wish to hurt or offend but please be careful.
Does he take medication and if so what happens if he stops.
I gave 25 years to caring for my ex who was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. When we met he was university educated, functioning, employed as a professional, financially stable.... But all of these things only just hanging on. Within 3 years he was unemployed and spent the next 22 years in and out of hospital as we lurched from one psychotic crisis to another. I was the breadwinner.I really tried to support and help him.
In the end for my own sanity, I left.
He spent the rest of his life hospitalised.

OP is there a reason you're not revealing which one it is? I am not sure that it will be any more outing to specify and if you're looking for experiences it will be much easier to give it if people know what you're actually asking about. PDs are very different to each other.

The one thing that makes me mostly wary is the length of time you've been together and it's only now that he's chosen to tell you

Personally I'd run a mile.
Life is too short.

I'd be wary that he's only told you this now as he can't keep the nice happy chappy facade up for much longer and wants an excuse to start being abusive.

Sounds harsh and I hope I'm wrong.

"I am sure that he is stable because I know some of his long time friends and also his ex who he was with for several years, and they remained friendly."

Remained or remain?

NPD people can remain amicable with exes easily while viciously wishing them dead and being a nasty bastard to them privately. They know it's necessary, in order to show the new target that they are a reliable and amicable, loving person.

Could you say to your bf, that since he has given you such a worrying piece of information about himself you need to check out all avenues - his family, his ex, his therapist. You need phone numbers. You need meetings. Don't devalue your own importance.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself, respect yourself. This is sound advice in any relationship situation.

Oh OP, I would run a mile. I had a colleague with NPD, he hid his true colours very very well. It still terrifies me to think about

Does he have a criminal record? Because it’s highly unusual to be diagnosed with one of these disorders, without some sort of involvement in the criminal justice system.

I worked in a PD service for several years and I’d run a mile from anyone diagnosed. I’m also quite sensitive to traits and avoid people who present with symptoms.

What the hell are you doing op? You sound like a lamb before the slaughter.

Unless you have mental health nursing qualifications and wish to pander to this man's quirks, tops and temper to the detriment of your own sanity please leave well alone.

And whatever you do, do not bring DC into this mix as pds are genetic.

Tics*

I would feel very tricked to hear about this after a year and a half. I would not persue this.

Why is he only telling you now, what prompted this disclosure? What prompted or led to his diagnosis?
I would run a mile. From experience, you can't fix this and it will destroy you if you stay. You're already second guessing yourself and having guilt for wondering about why he didn't tell you, feeling that your feelings around this aren't valid. They totally are! If you feel wrong footed or hesitant, that's your gut instinct trying to protect you and warn you. Listen to it!

I work in mental health and there's massive differences between people diagnosed with the same personality disorder.
You may have someone in and out of hospital for their entire lives.. and then someone who has never been in hospital and is functioning so well you'd never know they were pd unless they told you... amd everything in between.
At their core personality disorders are about coping with stress.. how someone reacts to things they find stressful. ALL personality disorders can be treated and managed as long as the person is acknowledging they have the issue and are accepting treatment.. and also accepting this is something they will have to manage their entire lives to some extent.
NPD has a bad rep because it has high instances of sufferers rejecting the diagnosis and refusing to engage with treatment... but it's far from untreatable.. problem is it often goes hand on hand with the disorder that the sufferer just won't accept the diagnosis
Antisocial is actually very treatable.
Personality disorders do get bad rep as they are so complicated and it's such a mixture of who someone is and also trauma response etc.. not as clear cut as people view biological mental illness
But I personally know many lovely people who have personality disorders

Do you regularly socialise with these many lovely people you know personally? Are they good friends? How come you personally know many people who have PDs? Have you befriended them through being their therapist? Or just bumped into them

"ALL personality disorders can be treated and managed as long as the person is acknowledging they have the issue and are accepting treatment.. and also accepting this is something they will have to manage their entire lives to some extent."

Those with NPD are rarely diagnosed and enter treatment - which is futile.

I hope you are not an accredited therapist.

If he falls in the cluster b section - run.

I know borderline pd gets more sympathy than the others in that sector but speaking from personal experience...the two borderlines I met were far worse than even the narcissists! I dont think that means it's fair to generalise to all of them of course but personally I would take the escape now.

Bpd is the only one that therapy has shown improvements for apparently though so I guess that's something if you intend to stay... but do not move in with him!

That’s simply not true. Lots of men with NPD or with narcissistic traits are highly successful in their careers, especially in business.

Their core traits of high entitlement, low empathy, arrogance and willingness to step all over other to get their own way means they can rise to the top in many jobs.

OP you asked for experiences. I unknowingly married a man with narcissistic traits. He was successful in his career and older than me. He told me he has been in therapy for years, to help him deal with the breakup of his first marriage where his wife left him for someone else. He presented as very self aware. ( I later discovered that it was counselling not therapy , which he simply used for supply ).

My marriage was horribly unhappy and abusive, he lied and cheated and stole an LOT of money from me . He gradually cut me off from all my family and friends and forced me to leave my job. I was completely isolated and dependent on him.

It took me 5 years to get away from him after I decided to leave and another 3 years to divorce him . Our divorce was high conflict and cost a great deal of money because he was so unreasonable at every turn.

Our teenage children choose not to see him as he treats them so poorly - they are very damaged by it. And he pays no child support whatsoever despite earning over £250,000 a year. He married wife number 3 a few weeks after our divorce was finalised.

My advice is run like the wind.

NPD get bad press on MN as a lot of us have had bad experiences & want to warn others

Until I met my ex I feel like I lived in a bubble & had no idea there were people out there who would intentionally abuse you mentally, emotionally & psychologically. They want to destroy you. It's hard to believe unless you've been through it

My relationship with a NPD nearly killed me. Please read the threads on here detailing people's experiences. I have no advice other than end it now firmly, block him & don't look back. He won't respect you for accepting him

What do you mean by 'bad'?

I'd run a mile seeing as it's narcissistic personality disorder or anti social personality disorder. They're behaviour/personality traits so I don't think they're illnesses like bipolar, depression etc. I doubt he's seeing a therapist. You'll always be walking on egg shells and doing everything he wants in order to keep the peace. He'll control you.

You say he's 10 years older than you. Are you in your 20s? If so, if you want children then don't waste your fertile years on him.

Excellent advice

The ten year age gap as well as the PD is worrying. Are you ten years older or younger than him? Lol- as if he'd choose an older wiser woman- no disrespect but he probably love bombed you and being that much younger would make that easier to achieve.
Sadly I agree from experience with others. Life is hard enough without living with someone who you can't trust, don't know if they're going to have your back in times of stress or lash out at you, and even the good times can be ruined from some tiny imagined slight.
Your future children don't deserve that uncertainty and heartache- parents should be stable and reliable to give them the best chance in life.
He's already lied to you for 18 months and that's him in his best most convincing behaviour mode.

"That’s simply not true. Lots of men with NPD or with narcissistic traits are highly successful in their careers, especially in business.

Their core traits of high entitlement, low empathy, arrogance and willingness to step all over other to get their own way means they can rise to the top in many jobs."

How do these men get diagnosed ? If they are functioning so well in life and don't have a criminal history, that would indicate that they sought after treatment and a diagnosis, which to be honest I would imagine is vanishingly rare. I don't even think you can get a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder without having a criminal behaviour background, it's criminal acts that show your disregard for society.

What has he actually been diagnosed with OP? Even his comment about therapy was chilling!

Absolutely this. People who experience ASPD are characterised by having a chaotic disregard for authority and the law. I dated a vile criminal who I once saw held down and locked in a police van that he managed to rock from side to side just by moving his angry body. He was absolute chaos, and in my unqualified view, met the criteria for ASPD having been in and out of prison, crime being a way of life, limited empathy and comfort with violence. He was also exceptionally violent and controlling towards me, and actual child when we met (15). He could not function, couldn’t hold a job or a home, nor any meaningful relationships.

Someone above said lamb to the slaughter. That was me, 20 years ago. It broke a part of me that has never recovered.

RUN

Do not move in with this man.