Personality disorder(s)

[Cherrypop23]

Been with my bf a year and half, and we have recently discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future. Nothing immediate, but possibly over the next year.
As part of this discussion we have had some more serious conversations, and he did disclose that he has a personality disorder with a bad rep. I knew that he was seeing a therapist regularly, but I never pried since he hadn't volunteered any information about it.

Part of me is heartbroken that he never told me before, and I feel somewhat betrayed, but I also feel guilty for thinking this because that's obviously the reason why he didn't tell me. He is stable and reliable, has a very good job, and he is very self aware, incredibly intuitive and attentive most of the time. I know that he has done nothing wrong, and now I feel like a bitch for questioning his personality because of a label :(

He said he wanted me to know because he doesn't want to keep it secret from me, which I appreciate, but now I wonder if this is some sort of a test? Though he has never done anything like that before.

I really don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate that I do not have first hand knowledge on this topic. One of my friends is dating a guy with a PD and he is constantly threatening suicide etc and she is a wreck so maybe I am just tarring a whole group with one brush. I am talking cluster B here, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

It was me who said lamb to the slaughter. I work in the field of MH and can see why he chose you op. You are young and impressionable and you would ruin your life being involved with this man.

Continue this relationship at your peril.

You have been warned.

I agree that people whose narcissistic traits reach a level that would qualify for a PD diagnosis normally don’t seek therapy of their own accord, and if they do, are seldom able to stay with it. If this person is engaging with therapy it’s possible that his PD diagnosis is not the right explanation for his symptoms.

Also worth noting that people with ASD are sometimes misdiagnosed with NPD if they’re assessed by someone who doesn’t have experience and expertise in autism. Some similar difficulties with theory of mind, obsessionality, black & white thinking, need for control / total autonomy, etc - but the underlying neurology / psychology is different.

I’m an accredited therapist and I agree with her.

funny how those people who read about PD on the internet know so much more than those of us who are actually professionals who work with them 🤔

Ok, thank you all. I am taking it all on board but I am feeling somewhat disheartened. Surely it would have been easier if he hadn't told me. He mentioned it during our coversations when we discussed next steps and future plannings etc.

I could talk to his ex girlfriend who I have met and we got on well. I mentioned earlier that they were together for 6 years or so, and they remain friends. He has some long term friends, and he has a stable career. I have met his colleagues.

He admitted to having had a chaotic youth and early adult years and that he did have some assault charges then but that therapy did help him understand how he could control his life. I knew about the assault charges before he told me about his diagnosis but had put it down to his upbringing and family. It was a long time ago, and there is no chaos about him now. He is usually totally chill, even when others get super anxious or angry.

Yeah, I'll need to think about this, but I feel really down about it right now. He's such a great guy and I love him. I think I feel confused because I wonder if he has been putting on a show all this time, but I might be completely unfair here because I have met his friends and so.

Having said that, I would be very wary with entering a relationship with someone who any PD dx, actually probably the one I would struggle with most is Dependent, I find it very difficult to work with people with this as I have a slightly avoidant attachment style myself!

I wouldn’t be a therapist at all if I didn’t believe that people are capable of change, IF (and it’s a big if) they are willing and able to really work on themselves and go the distance.

I also think SOME people sort of grow out of PD, especially with EUPD/BPD we see this.

the types of therapy that can be effective are schema, CAT and DBT. I think psychodynamic/psychoanalysis would probably be pretty good too, although it’s not in the NICE guidelines like the others are.

Are you able to find out more about the type of therapy he has and what he’s been working on? I know it’s personal but it might tell you a lot.

Assault charges, as in multiple? These must be serious if he was charged for them. He might be 'totally chill' but have you seen him when he doesn't get his own way? And he's no contact with his entire family, not just a few members?

while it does sound like he is working on himself, the assault charges would have been a deal breaker for me.

Yes, people can change, but you are taking an enormous risk right there

What she was he when these things happened? Do you know what happened for each of the charges? What she did he receive the diagnosis.

Sorry what age.

Op, I'm diagnosed bipolar and have made some terrible decisions in my younger years. I've hurt people physically, treated them badly and broke the law. I was in total chaos until I was around age 26 when I started intensive therapy. It saved my life. I am a totally different person now to the person I was then. I now have insight into why I acted like that, I've worked SO HARD in picking apart my childhood with awful parents and then trying to become the person I should have been had I not had a traumatic and abuse background.

I now firmly believe that a majority of these personality disorders and mood disorders are actually just misdiagnosed complex ptsd. I'm certainly not "full time" bipolar. I cope very well on a daily basis and show no symptoms. But when under extreme pressure or if I'm Ill, the symptoms can come back.

In your shoes, with no red flags, I would not discount your lives expensive just because of a bunch of internet Peter that haven't got a clue about real life PDs or the people that can actually "heal" themselves and over come their trauma. In your shoes I would say that I would carry on in the relationship providing he remained in therapy for stylist 4/6 months every year. Or more if he needs it. He's not a monster, he's a man that was a C little boy raised in far from perfect circumstances that had been brave enough to face his demons as an adult and heal the trauma. He has long term connections and friends ships. He has a good stable job. He's doing brilliantly.

That's amazing Lookingforpurpose. Incredible hard work must've gone into that. I hope you have something like the life you dream of. I also believe people can turn the results of awful upbringings around. It takes the level of work you've decribed. Having experience with pd's from a number of perspectives I feel some elements of the extreme behaviours make life so difficult and sometimes terrifying for the person and the family around them. You wouldn't choose it if you could avoid it. That's not to write people off, but life with complex ptsd/ pd is harder/ chronic illness is way harder. It's like wearing a lead coat at times.

What do you need ‘translated’?

Anything psychological isn’t as simple as a physical diagnosis. All personality disorders are is grouping of behaviour traits together to try and provide some similarity between groups exhibiting these behaviours.

The reality is that every person is an individual. Their emotions and behaviour will likely be driven by things which have happened during their lives.

All personality disorders receive immense bad press and there is a hugely negative connotations of being diagnosed with one. This is why many health professionals are wary of putting a diagnosis on paper even if they agree that the patient exhibits those characteristics.

It’s hugely simplistic to say ‘I knew someone with NPD and he made my life hell - dump him’. It’s like saying I knew someone from the army who came back with ptsd and beat me up - therefore everyone should now avoid everyone who returns with ptsd. Or I know someone who experienced abuse as a child and they caused me issues so everyone should avoid.

Exhibiting the behaviour of a PD is just that - behaviour. If someone’s actively engaging in therapy, being open and honest and not showing any of the signs in their day to day life (for the year and a half at least) then perhaps they no longer fall into the PD remit at all. It could now be a thing of their past. Something to consider and be aware of especially if things are hard and there’s triggers in the future.

What exactly aren’t you understanding?

Meant to tag @Spopssas

Is it ASPD? This is a treatable disorder. His core personality traits (lack of empathy, reckless behaviour and numbed emotions etc) will remain but with therapy and any meds he takes to control any concurrent mental ill health, I understand while he’ll never be cured he can manage it. I personally think it’s really positive sign that he’s engaged in therapy as it shows he’s acknowledged something is wrong enough in his makeup to affect his behaviour and wants to change. There’s a blurry line between ASPD and psychopathy, some will argue they are the same thing. If he’s a psychopath be wary that his idea of love will be very different to yours, and if your relationship develops into marriage and kids and priorities, what you want is likely to bottom of the pile as his needs will always come first and drive his behaviour. He’s very unlikely to put your needs above his without resentment. Expect to be hurt, even tho things may be great now. He will wear a mask for regular every day life, but once you move in that mask will slip and you’ll likely see a very different side to him. It’s good that he’s been open and warned you, perhaps he is terrified you’ll run to the hills once you see how much of himself he has to fake to get by in life. Not all people with psychopathy are dangerous, either. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you were to move in and it doesn’t go to plan. I think if he’s still in therapy you might be wise to ask if it’s worth you coming along to help you understand the depth of his PD. Id also defo recommend speaking with a mental health professional yourself who can advise you way more than people on here on what to expect and what red flags to look out for.

I second other posters in that if it’s NPD run for the hills. There’s 99% chance if it’s that he’ll absolutely ruin you. Things are great now because he’s love bombing you. Once you’re living together you will become his possession and his plaything and he will use you in any way he wishes you keep his ego and power over you intact.

Yeah, it ASPD. I'll talk to him because I think he wouldn't have told me if he didn't want to talk about it. As far as I know he attends therapy quite regularly but I don't know any details.
He is nc with his whole family but I understand why.
Thank you, feeling a bit more hopefull and will talk to him!

There are some seriously ill informed, judgy and downright nasty people on this thread.

Also lots of conflicting information

"He told you because that's what they do"

And

"Why didn't he tell you sooner"

As someone WITH a PD, not either of those mentioned by the OP, the single reason I don't tell anyone I don't absolutely have to:

Because they'll judge me before they even know me.

And that's bullshit.

I'm a victim of circumstance and I've worked damn hard to overcome many things. And unfortunately theyve left an indelible mark on me. But 7 years relapse free, and now even medication and therapy free for over 4....and guess what...the therapy worked. I'll always have that diagnosis, and I'll always use the skills I've learned to prevent relapse.

How dare you people be so nasty?

I'd drop him like a hot stone within the next 30 minutes.

@JustFrustrated totally agree with you - it’s so shameful that people still speak this way and are incredibly bigoted.

There is so much ‘understanding’ of mental health struggles with depression and anxiety these days, however, personality disorders and people bring out the knives.

I just think many of the people on this thread are incredibly ignorant and have no understanding. I hope one day in the future PD’s won’t receive so much discrimination and stigma. I really wish that some of the people here actually look at themselves and consider what they are actually saying.

I am really sorry that you had to read any of this and please don’t let these people upset you or set you back. 🩷

OP the absolutely most worrying thing of everything you have said is his past offences for assault.

If you don’t care about that and that’s not putting you off I can’t understand why a label would put you into a panic.

A diagnosed cluster B personality disorder AND assault charges in the plural. I just wouldn't even go there. Not worth the risk. There are other men who don't have either so I'd choose one of them.

P.s Both my father and brother have pd. I speak with experience and my advice is to steer clear.

Exactly. Why are you being cagey? Personality disorders are either narcissism or psychopathy. Run a mile from either. No second chance, no being tempted back, no thinking he loves you so itll all be ok. It wont be ok. Therapy won't work. Protect yourself and drop him like a brick. You're already reading round it and trying to work him out and understand him. Do yourself a favour and quit whilst youre ahead.

I have a brother with ASPD and another who is very narcissistic. Having them in my life was like relationship Russian Roulette. Where was the next bullet coming from in between the nice experiences. My sister has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder now called DID directly as a result of the actions/abuse of the ASPD brother. I don’t have any of them in my life. I’d say run as fast as you can.

Not even remotely true.

Thats a mental illness. A personality disorder is not a mental illness. They are different.