Personality disorder(s)

[Cherrypop23]

Been with my bf a year and half, and we have recently discussed the possibility of moving in together in the future. Nothing immediate, but possibly over the next year.
As part of this discussion we have had some more serious conversations, and he did disclose that he has a personality disorder with a bad rep. I knew that he was seeing a therapist regularly, but I never pried since he hadn't volunteered any information about it.

Part of me is heartbroken that he never told me before, and I feel somewhat betrayed, but I also feel guilty for thinking this because that's obviously the reason why he didn't tell me. He is stable and reliable, has a very good job, and he is very self aware, incredibly intuitive and attentive most of the time. I know that he has done nothing wrong, and now I feel like a bitch for questioning his personality because of a label :(

He said he wanted me to know because he doesn't want to keep it secret from me, which I appreciate, but now I wonder if this is some sort of a test? Though he has never done anything like that before.

I really don't want to offend anyone and I appreciate that I do not have first hand knowledge on this topic. One of my friends is dating a guy with a PD and he is constantly threatening suicide etc and she is a wreck so maybe I am just tarring a whole group with one brush. I am talking cluster B here, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

Tbh I don't believe his diagnosis is correct if you haven't noticed in 18 months that he has a PD. Cluster B disorders are very destructive for both the person and those around them. I don't see how it would be possible to conceal this.

"I now firmly believe that a majority of these personality disorders and mood disorders are actually just misdiagnosed complex ptsd."

@LookingForPurpose I personally agree and actually think a lot of neurodiversity is probably this too.

In this case though, my main worry is he's been hiding this for so long from you OP. That's not good, and I'd find it very hard to trust him after this myself.

RUN, don't walk

Isn’t That mainly BPD that’s misdiagnosed due to cptsd and ND? And that’s why some therapies are effective.I’m not sure about the others? What the evidence for therapies for antisocial?

BPD I would be understanding of.

Its not discrimination. Its not prejudice. Its not a mental disorder. People with PDs are typically abusive and choose their victims carefully. They put a mask on in public and then reveal the monster in private. Its a choice to behave in this way, even if it is as a result of trauma.

I'm a victim of circumstance and I've worked damn hard to overcome many things. And unfortunately theyve left an indelible mark on me.

this is exactly why BPD is one I would overlook. I love a lot of people with BPD and I know the reasons they are why they are. They don’t directly hurt me, only themselves. A lot of their symptoms are soothers.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone with these traits? Especially as he has multiple assault charges. Are you young OP? 10 years is a big age gap.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/#:~:text=Antisocial%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,care%20for%20other%20people's%20feelings.

You keep telling yourself that @omgsally

Of course it’s discrimination!! You are tanishing every single person who has ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder in their lifetime with the same brush.

From minds website: ‘personality disorder and schizophrenia are controversial diagnoses. These labels can be stigmatising. And many people feel that they shouldn't be used at all.’

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/why-is-it-controversial/

It’s stigma and it’s incredibly damaging and unhelpful. Please use this as your sign to educate yourself. Even if you genuinely feel set in your views please have a read of the attached.

Personality disorders are controversial among doctors and health professionals. It’s hugely known that there is immense stigma towards them which is why many doctors won’t even diagnose people with them! That’s a fact - go and read about it before posting on mums net telling people they are wrong.

If I were you I’d find out an accurate offending history. As someone has already said an antisocial PD diagnosis usually comes via a not insignificant offending history, it’s not something your everyday therapist is going to diagnose you with. It doesn’t sound like you know the details of his ‘angry’ youth? It could mean lots of different things…

I'm sorry you had to read this, I didn't mean to upset anyone with this thread. I hope you are ok

@InternetE3plorer did we marry the same man??

@JustFrustrated, we're you diagnosed with ASPD or NPD as genuinely interested in hearing a success story. No amount of counselling helped ExH.

I did know about the assault charges in his youth, but I can see past them considering how long ago this happened. It would be a very different story if these had been more recent.
I have reflected and there have been signs when I have seen anger in him but it was contextual and he did not act on it. Obviously I'll talk to him but it's not like he lashes out, or treats people badly.

You're so wrong.

To start with, when I was in the grips of my PD, I wasnt abusive. Many people with them aren't.

Education helps. You're making yourself look like a predjudiced nasty human. I also have no victims.

I was the victim. From other people. And, from myself

Perhaps we're talking at cross purposes. I'm talking specifically about narcissists and psychopaths. If you are either of these and are also NOT abusive, then you're an anomaly.

Really upsetting to read some of these replies. I was neglected as a child and suffered emotional abuse. At 17 I saw a psychiatrist who said I had a personality disorder. I've never hurt or abused anyone.

Like I said OP, it’s really positive imo that he’s addressed/addressing it with therapy. And I imagine it’s took so long for him to tell you because there is such a stigma and many would run a mile. Some things you might want to address with him/his therapist are boundaries, what’s acceptable behaviour, relationship expectations and clarity on where you’ll stand with him. He’s been honest in telling you but you need full disclosure if you’re going to be taking your relationship further. It sounds like he might know already what might happen once you live together, how he might be different. Which to be fair is something to consider in all relationships. Lots of couples don’t get on once they move in together regardless of any mental health illness/PDs. But definitely speak to your GP and see if they can refer you to a professional for proper input x

I don’t think anyone on this thread thinks all personality disorders are the same. NPD and ASPD are a nightmare to deal with. BPD I personally believe is much closer to C PTSD. As I said my sister was diagnosed with MPD but that was largely because she was a decades long victim of the ASPD brother. Some PD are heavily correlated with traits that lead them to be abusers, BPD for example not so much. All PD are not the same.

BPD I personally believe is much closer to C PTSD.

Absolutely agree. The behaviour is a learned coping mechanism, and I’ve found that DBT in particular has helped my family member.

@Thmssngvwlsrnd this thread is incredibly toxic and has really brought out the prejudiced people who have very ill-informed views.

Please don’t let these people upset you. It must be horrible to read. You’ve suffered trauma in your past and that has led to struggles later on. That is completely understandable. I really hope you are ok and haven’t let this chat get to you. 🩷

I actually think this thread should be taken down. Not the OPs fault at all, she came for advice and support. However, some of the views it’s churned up are just so damaging and discriminatory.

Name changed for this. I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago because I self harmed since childhood and went through recurring bouts of depression in adulthood. I'm not getting upset by the people discussing personality disorders on here, and to be honest am not understanding why others are either, as it is very clear that when a comment mentions antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic PD they are not referring to all PDs, Also, like others have mentioned, some PDs are much closer to cPTSD than anything else.

Life is shit sometimes and some of us ended up dealing with it in ways that turned out to be very self destructive. That is very obviously not the same as ASPD or NPD, which is what the OP was alluding to at the beginning before confirming that her boyf has ASPD. I don't think the post should be taken down, a lot of people have given good insight for the OP, who honestly sounds like she's at the edge of making some life choices that could very severely impact her down the line.

Please don't be upset. I'm talking specifically about narcissists and psychopaths. Anyone who suspects they're involved with either of these types of people should run a mile but I'm assuming that's not what you were diagnosed with.

Wide range of messages here, and I don't want to generalise too much but my only question is whether you're thinking about having children? That's when my DHs condition properly emerged and the lack of sleep made it harder for him to cope. So just be aware that he may well need extra support if that's your path, and that you're willing to be the main coper? Mine is a great dad at times but if I'm honest I wish I'd listened better to the clues that I dismissed and had a more stable partnership. I had no idea how unstable he was, and he didn't really know either.

@JustFrustrated

I completely agree with you and echo what you say.

OP, I'm in a similar length relationship and I have told my partner I have therapy, have had extensive therapy in my youth and had quite bad mental health problems. I have been honest about what my issues were, but I have never used the word "personality disorder" (different one to you mentioned) for fear of freaking him out and him suddenly perceiving me completely differently.

There is so much judgement and misinformation about personality disorders, which are very treatable. And by your own account, OP, your partner has worked very hard to overcome his issues.

I do feel for you OP and I have sympathy for your partner. I hope what you have together and your knowledge of each other means more than a diagnosis which it sounds like he has worked hard to overcome.

That said, of course don't stay with him if he treats you badly/you don't love him! But it's sad if you are happy together and the label pulls you apart.

The thread is valuable and should absolutely not be taken down. There are some sensible, well-informed posts on here.

NPD is probably the one I would run from. ASPD I would generally run from and sadly I have experience of both. With ASPD it will be like masking forever. It isn't the perpetrator's fault exactly it's just that the wiring is askew. I actually admire people who engage with therapy because it's usually a traumatised individual descended from a long line of traumatised individuals.

You might want to search for 2 threads by firekitten on relationships. I commented several times on them as did others with experience of ASPD. Worth a read. Good luck OP 👍