I just don’t think life is worth living when you’re single

[GoodDayGood]

Taboo subject, I know.

But I don’t like being single.
Tired of doing everything on my own, tired odäf always going home alone, tired of no one caring about me, tired of making this life alone, tired of listening people in relationships complaining about stupid little stuff, tired of celebrating couples, tired of it all.

What’s the point of anything when at the end if the day I’m alone?

It is hard being alone but I don’t think it’s tripe to suggest it’s better to be alone than be in a shit relationship. Alone in a relationship can be more crushing than being single and alone. I have spent years single and years in a relationship so I get the loneliness from being single but I’ve actually found it worse to experience loneliness in a relationship because it wasn’t meant to be like that. In fact it left me feeling stuck because I couldn’t go back to being single because that’s even lonelier - it really wasn’t.

Tried to book a nice meal for a birthday and couldn't because the places I wanted to go to didn't take bookings from lone diners. Why would they when they could fill the same table with 2 people? I imagine 2 would probably drink more and order coffees too. Things like like that don't sound terrible but do make your life a tiny tiny bit worse and all of the little things add up and make you feel a bit rubbish over time.

But most relationships aren’t shit.
At least not from the start.
So it’s a false fallacy.
I doubt that any of us lonely single’s are dreaming of partners who would abuse and rape us, no one does in fact.

I also fon’t agree with the better to be alone and lonely than with company and lonely.
You still have some needs being met. And help. Even if they aren’t the greatest person.

I have no idea why make these comments, I’m assuming there are people out there who really don’t know what true loneliness is. And they think it’s just a quirky little fun choice for a little while and the jump into a relationship once feeling like it.

But imagine always actually being alone, no choices, no one ever choosing you, watching pretty much everyone else have it - easily - many times, celebrating them, soending money and time and effort on them - never to it happen to you, leaving you childless, no one saying to you or you saying to anyone good morning and night, wondering what’s wrong with you. Living and eventually dying alone.

I get that this is unusual, that adds to this loneliness btw. But if you can’t take even one second to think how horrible this is, why comment at all?

It possibly is easier to be alone than be in a really shit relationship, but so what? Would that be how you would respond to anybody goi g through something hard, by finding a worse situation? So what if you have post natal depression, better to feel blue after having a baby than to have died in childbirth. So what if your mum has cancer, better she gets cancer in old age than she died in a car accident and left you orphaned as a teen etc.

Obviously when single people feel sad about being lonely they’re not wishing to be in a shit relationship, they’re looking at the people who are in happy relationships with partners who love and cherish them, with partners they can have a laugh with and enjoy spending time with etc and feeling sad not to have that. Totally reasonable for people in shit relationships to feel sad they don’t have that too, but that’s not what this thread’s about. I’d also add that if you are in a shit relationship and unhappy at least changing the outcome and leaving the relationship is 100% within your control, not saying it’s easy but it’s doable. If being single is better than a shit relationship then anyone in a shit relationship can take solace in the fact they can leave the relationship and immediately better their situation. When you’re long term single the frustrating thing is it’s not in your control, there is an element of chance or luck when it comes to finding the right partner and so there’s not really any guaranteed way to get out of that situation.

I’d also add that you felt loneliness in a relationship crushing because it wasn’t meant to be like that but that’s how I feel about being single. I always imagined I would have a partner, get married, have kids etc, that was the life I imagined for myself. Now in my late 30s I’m realising that’s not likely to happen for me, being single and childless wasn’t the life I wanted or imagined for myself and it’s crushing knowing that this is the way it is.

It’s toxic positivity.
Would you say to someone struggling financially, well at least you’re not living an impoverished existence in a third world country.
Someone that really poorly, count your blessings it not terminal.
It’s all relative. Yes I’d prefer to be alone that be in a shit relationship, it doesn’t stop me feeling lonely that I’m not in a healthy one.
Being single is hard work financially and emotionally, you’ve got no one to share the mundane burdens of life and as another poster has said sometimes you just want someone to do nothing with. I’ve done all the travelling, hobbies, watched what I want on Netflix, done all the internal work, you reach a point that it’s becomes tiresome and you’ve got all that you can from it, we’re social creatures there’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship.

What are you all seeking from this thread though? A sounding board? Answers? Support? How to find a partner? Understanding?

Just acknowledgement it can be lonely and difficult . You don’t need to offer practical solutions. We know that you can’t magic up a healthy relationship.

For me it’s good to be able to vent in an anonymous forum and it’s helpful in a strange way to hear from other people in similar situations and to know that I’m not the only person who feels like that and that my feelings are valid. I don’t want answers or to know how to find a partner because I know there are no answers and I know it’s very unlikely finding a partner is possible for me, I know I need to accept that this is the life I am living and I’ll continue to live and in my ‘real life’ I try very hard to portray myself as somebody who is happy to be single, who doesn’t want a relationship or kids etc. I wouldn’t want anybody in my real life to know how lonely I am, I wouldn’t want anyone in real life to know my life feels pointless and mundane, I wouldn’t want people to feel like they have to worry about me or to be a burden, I want my friends and family to be able to enjoy their lives and spend time with me no more than they would any other friend. I don’t feel it would be fair to tell anyone in real life how I feel in case they felt any responsibility to try and fill the void left by being long term single so for me it is helpful to be able to share and articulate my feelings with strangers on the internet, just to vent and try and get them out I suppose. I’m not looking for anything else and am not expecting people who aren’t long-term single and childless to understand, it’s just helpful to be able to voice this somewhere.

If you are not neurodiverse and don't have any mental health issues - how do you end up in a position where you are all alone in the world with no one who cares you exist?

Wondering because my DSis is almost in your positions as he has alienated everyone who has cared about her and is an alcoholic probably with mental health issues . If she is wondering the same I can explain to her exactly how she ended up where she is ...... but she will never see it my way

There are so many of these threads and as a long time, mostly content with my lot, single person I find it very difficult to know what to say.

I’m 58, I’ve been single, apart from a few brief interludes since I was early 30s.
I spent a lot of time in my mid to late 30s, when my friends where settling down and having kids, utterly miserable, just existing, so I do recognise the feelings described here.
I have a very vivid memory of waking up one Sunday morning when I was 38 and thinking I have probably 40 -50 years more on this planet, I don’t want to be miserable any more, I want to really live those years.
So I shook my life up, I decided what I wanted - everything that didnt include a partner, and set about doing it.

It didnt happen overnight, it wasn’t easy. I remember feeling physically sick on a coach to Heathrow going on a holiday, which was the staging post to my dream trip. I had a great time, booked the next one, a three week trip across the Namib desert. Realised I could do stuff and got on with turning my life around.
Took redundancy, got a new career. Adopted my son at 47.
The point of this is not what I did specifically, but in the process it was the recovery of my self esteem and the realisation that the ability to be content with life lay within me, not other people, be they friends or a partner.

I say content. I don’t leap out of bed every morning shouting yippee its great to be single. I’m more likely to think I wish a cup of tea would appear. I have my moments, this last week has been hard as my son has left home to go to university. I’m adjusting but I miss him. I have a very challenging 12 year old foster child. I’m shattered. Yes sonmetimes I wish someone else would cook dinner, take care of that bit of DIY, put the bins out, clear up the cat sick.

But overall I am content with my life. I have my home, my allotment, my obligatory cat, lots of friends, some very special friends who have been with me through thick and thin.

I think I have quoted this before, a singer on America’s Got Talent called Nightbird who died from cancer in her early 30s, said in her audition, You can’t wait until everything is perfect to decide to be happy.

I have people who care I exist. If I died my funeral would be well attended and I would be missed. I dream about disappearing but know I couldn’t go through with it because people would feel sad and guilty that I was gone. Nobody wants to lose a friend or family member in their thirties and I am sure if I ended things I would be missed.

But if I moved to the other side of the world, so my existing friends and family knew I was safe, do I think anyone would really miss me? No. My friends and family are happy with their own lives, I’m somebody they enjoy spending time with and catching up with when we get the chance but I wouldn’t leave a gaping hole in anybody’s lives if I moved away and ceased to be in their lives anymore. I am not a central part of anybody’s life because all my friends are busy with their own partners and kids, they don’t have time for me to be someone they see or speak to every day or every weekend and that’s completely understandable. You can feel alone and like nobody would really care if you disappeared in non-tragic circumstances without literally having nobody, for me I guess the sadness is more about not being anybody’s priority.

@MolkosTeenageAngst yes totally get that. Huge hugs from a stranger..... yep can understand exactly what you mean . I love my friends - I really do. But they won't take priority over my immediate family .

I would imagine that you may have other friends who are also single and you may be a priority in their lives? But I know this is not easy to come by

Unfortunately (for me, not them!) I don’t have any single friends, all of my friends are in relationships. I have found the last few years especially lonely and I think that is because I am now at an age (late 30s) where my friends are all settled in long term relationships, many have young kids and weekends are for family time rather than friends.

In my 20s I didn’t find being single so difficult as at various points some of my friends would also be single or they were in less serious relationships and childfree so they were still up for going on holiday, to festivals or weekends away etc with friends. I find at this point in our lives my friends only really want to do all those things with their partners, even when I do see my friends their partners and/ or kids are often brought along too so there isn’t so much opportunity for one on one time. Nights out are a every-few-months thing rather than every weekend, especially for those who need childcare. That’s not a criticism as I understand the dynamic, their children and partners should be the priority, I also expect it might change in another decade or so when their kids are older etc but right now I am definitely missing having friends who are at a similar point in life to me.

I don't know. I've been single most of my life, now in my 50s. I've not lived with anyone since i left shared houses. I've had some relationships, but they've mostly been LDRs, so in many ways, I was still single.

There have been times in my life where I've wondered what's the point, because I could collapse and fie here, and no one would notice for a while. I'm not even working currently, so there wouldn't be concern because I didn't turn up for that.

There are things which are tiring about it, but there would also be things tiring about living with a partner, just different things. I like being able to do my own thing. I long ago decided that not having someone else with me wasn't going to stop me doing things, be it travelling, going to a restaurant or the theatre or the beach or whatever. I enjoy my hobbies, I enjoy meeting up with friends, even the married ones. I miss sex, but I'm okay with casual sex, and Tinder is there. I do have a sort of partner at the moment, but his job is very busy, so I don't see him often during term time, and in practical ways, I am single.

My parents always did their own things as well as things together, so I always expected grown-ups to have their own Iives and some independence, and I think that helped mum a lot after Dad died; my sister's PiLs only did things as a couple, so he was really lost when his wife died.

I don't think life is pointless if you're single, but I do know it can feel thst way at times. It's prompted me (along with redundancy) to change career to something where I think I'll be making more of a contribution to others. Maybe if I were married with children, I wouldn't have felt the need to do that, but I think all areas of life need to give you some meaning - family, friends, work, pastimes, all of it. It also means if one part isn't currently doing it for you (like being single when you'd rather not be,) then at least not everything else should feel empty too. If you rely on a relationship to give you all your meaning in life, that's rather a burden on the other person - you need to bring something, too.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I made a decision that I would involve my self with my friends lives when they had kids.
That didn't mean I gatecrashed all there family time. But I did offer to help out with birthday parties, if the only time/place I could see them was in soft play or child friendly pub or whatever, I did it.
Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was tedious, but I stayed invested in the friendships and they have survived.
Incidentally that time also served to clarify what I really wanted from motherhood.
So when I was debating what routes to go down to have a child on my own I realised I didn't really want to experience pregnancy or giving birth. I didn't want to change nappies, go through teething or potty training. In short I realised I didn't actually like babies that much. I still wanted to be a mum though.
Alongside working in an environment with many excluded young people I also realised I could make a huge difference to an individual child.
That led me to adopting an 8 year old.

I totally get it OP.
Being single has its perks of course but life is extremely lonely and I feel like I've missed out on so mucb on life because I don't have someone to do things with, share life with and in todays climate can't afford to do it on my own :(

I do try and do the same with my friends/ family who have kids. I genuinely love my friend’s kids and my DNs and I do take an active role in their lives. I always offer to meet up with friends at soft play and farms and parks etc. I’ve found this was easier when friends were on maternity leave, I’m a teacher so in school holidays I could meet up with friend and baby, but now all my friends with kids are back at work with kids in childcare and I find they don’t really have the time to see me much at weekends as they want to keep them as family time. Somewhat ironically I find that it is my offers to babysit so they can go out with their partners which are what they really take me up on, I’m glad I can be that support for them but obviously it is also kind of sad that this largely just means sitting alone in someone else’s house with a toddler asleep upstairs rather than really spending any quality time with anybody!! Maybe it will change again once their kids hit school age, or maybe I will just be a good childcare option for the school holidays 😂

I have wanted to adopt since I was in my teens and I did think that would be the most realistic route to motherhood for me, I do love babies but hate the idea of pregnancy and having a child from babyhood wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. I teach children with complex learning disabilities and always thought I could give a disabled child a good home as I know they can often be harder to place, it is something I have seriously looked into however unfortunately I don’t think I would meet the understandably rigorous criteria to adopt. I have a long history of mental health issues and diagnoses of autism and adhd which I think would stand in my way, I also don’t think I have a strong enough support network to adopt as a single person and am not sure I would get the references I need. Maybe one day in the future if I am able to get on top of some of my current mental health issues and put them properly behind me it would be an option though. Now I’m in my late 30s I often think time is running out to have children as I know my fertility is dropping, but actually perhaps I should focus on the idea that if I continue to work on some of my issues maybe adoption is something I would be ready for in a decade. I think it’s great that you were able to adopt your son and give him a loving home; was the adoption process difficult as a single person? You mentioned upthread that you are currently fostering - is fostering something you did before or after adoption? I have wondered whether fostering might be another future option for me if adoption were no but admit I don’t really know so much about what the criteria would be and whether they are possibly even stricter than those for adoption?

That's really mean of them.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

Nothing you have said would automatically rule you out of adoption.
Adopters are not perfect people, we all have a past, we have all experienced challenges and problems in our lives.
What matters most to Social workers us how you have overcome those challenges.
If you are a teacher working in special needs I'd suggest you are a very resilient person. If your mental health is stable the it wouldn't necessarily stand in your way.
You would need to choose your agency carefully.
It might be helpful for you to go to a few information evenings and talk to a social worker about your specific circumstances. That doesn't commit you to anything.
I am a very new foster carer. I waited until the time was right and I'd paid off my mortgage.
The process is very similar, but there are many different types of fostering. You can do short or long term fostering, emergency or respite fostering. I have friends who have a young person one weekend a month to give the parents a break and time with other siblings. I have another who just fosters babies until they are returned to the family or adopted, another who only takes primary age children.
My fosterling is intended to be long term until they are 18 but they are extremely challenging so we will see how that goes.
Support networks are important but any adopter will tell you that your support changes completely when a child arrives - you gravitate towards other adopters or like I did people with children with ASD. I discovered a whole new set of people at work this way.
Initially you do have to think a bit laterally. One of neighbours has unexpectedly turned out to be an absolute godsend. Think about people in your professional networks. If you joined a forum for adopters (there is a very active group here) you automatically have support. The best support I had in the early days was one or two people phoning me in the evening to check I was OK. Support comes in many forms. What also matters is that you can demonstrate that you know how to access support should you need it.
Adoption and fostering are very different things. As much as I am committed to my young person, it does feel much more like a job, but it's early days, I may feel differently in a year.
Come along over to the adoption board. Ask questions, no such thing as a silly question - we are a very diverse bunch and very supportive to each other

Somewhat ironically I find that it is my offers to babysit so they can go out with their partners which are what they really take me up on, I’m glad I can be that support for them but obviously it is also kind of sad that this largely just means sitting alone in someone else’s house with a toddler asleep upstairs rather than really spending any quality time with anybody!!

You are better person than me.
I could never do this.
Seems unfair too, to have to do so much extra work, when they are the privileged one’s.

I’ve actually dobe the opposite from you and taken a little distance coupled-up/family people.
That helped me a bit, that way it’s not so in my face and it all hurts a little bit less.

I totally understand what you mean about it being in your face and how much it can hurt to be around others who have the thing you don’t, I have distanced myself a bit from some of my friends who are in very loved up relationships, especially the ones who don’t ever seem able to see me without bringing their partner along, but it’s hard because then it means my social circle is smaller and there are even more days spent alone. It’s so hard to find that balance!

Personally I don’t find it as difficult being around my friend’s children because I do genuinely love spending time with their kids and it’s something which does bring me more joy than it does sadness, most of the time at least. I don’t think I’m being a good person really, selfishly a large part of me probably does it because at least it gives me an opportunity to feel useful on evenings and weekends and I think it makes me feel at least I’m giving my friends reasons to keep my around. I don’t know if you ever worry that as a single person you might be more indispensable to your couple/ family friends than their other couple/ family friends? I worry because I can’t bring a +1 or share in parenting experiences/ join in play dates etc and am often socialising with them as a ‘third wheel’ I would be easy to drop and I feel like my life is boring compared to most people’s and so I don’t bring much to the friendship and so I guess selfishly I at least try to be useful so I can hold on to those friends I do have. I recognise that probably isn’t a very healthy viewpoint though!

NearlyMonday, that's correct. I did enjoy my time with friends and the weekend..

I’ve been single for so long I’m not even sure how long. I also don’t really have any real friends, just a number of casual friends, but none really close. Currently I have my family, my parents mostly and my siblings to a greater or lesser degree. I don’t have children, health / disabilities have limited / made that impossible, and also made it too difficult to get out and actually meet anyone I might have a relationship with. I get by at the moment, and have my dogs; but im coming more round to the idea that when I no longer have my parents, that it’ll then be time to end my life as will no longer have much to make staying worthwhile.

Afternoon, everyone. We can see there are quite a few people here finding life as a single person very hard. Just in case it's of help we thought we would add a link to our Mental Health Webguide.

"the sadness is about not being anybody's priority" - I think that literally sums up everything I feel.