When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think?

[Gardenerboo]

This is my ex husband’s narrative to anyone who will listen and it’s simple not the case.

We have 2 teenagers who have (at present) chosen not to see him following abuse.

Although my priority is obviously the children, I have moments where I feel angry at the injustice of what he is telling people. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard.

I used to think ‘Gosh how awful’ and now I think ‘Hmm I wonder what her side of the story is?’. I mean, my XH is a knob but he still sees our DD. IME where the Father is denied contact, it’s usually for a very good reason. The women to use contact as a manipulation tactic are few and far between.
Try not to worry too much about other people’s opinions that are based on his stories. Most of them will see through him (and if they don’t, they aren’t people you should have a relationship with).

That the starting point is always 50:50 shared care which a family court would support - so if one parent doesn’t see the kids at all there is a reason why not. He can present himself as a victim, I doubt anyone falls for it.

Usually that he’s been a prat and it’s never the full story. There’s someone on my fb who posts all these ‘I miss my daughter’ posts every Sunday and big long messages on her bday. But I know he beat her mum to a pulp and threatened to not return the daughter every time he had her when small.

That he is abusive. Without fail

I think , I wonder why? As in what really happened? If there are teens involved I'd think it was the teens choice.

My ex did this. It was both a way of him claiming sympathy and parading his apparent desire to be an involved parent. In truth, in the end, he never wanted to see them more than once a week for 3 hours. When they were there he had two activities: eat dinner and watch telly. Nothing else. I was desperate for him to play a larger share of the parenting but he only wanted the facade to others that because he was seeing them every Saturday, he was keeping up his relationship with the kids. Shameful really.

I think either he's an abuser who the courts have decided to keep away from his DC, or he doesn't actually want to see his DC or be bothered with them and it's convenient to blame his ex, or the DC don't want to see him and again he's blaming his ex, or his ex is punishing him for something - not paying maintenance, leaving her for another woman, some other reason. There are lots of reasons and I don't assume.

I always think, 'I'm not surprised, you seem like a complete nob'.

With teenagers, I would assume they are capable of contacting him themselves if they wanted to. I have teenagers and am separated and they make their own contact.

In 90% of cases they did something to deserve it. In rare cases the mother is the arsehole so I usually reserve judgement

I always wonder why I never ever hear a Dad say I couldn’t get my shit together , couldn’t prioritise my dc once a fortnight.

My D’s doesn’t see his Dad .. I have no idea how he explains the two kids he doesn’t see - nor do I care ..

I tend to wonder why he isn't seeing his kids when he could go to court and fight for access. If he's just passively accepting not seeing his kids, he's either run out of money fighting or can't be bothered. If he's done all that and still isn't seeing them, I assume there's another reason but I wouldn't ask.

Tbh i’ve met too many prick men (including my own dad) to not automatically think ‘good on her’

'There's probably a very good reason'.

Automatic red flag for me.

(In relation to the man I mean)

As I’ve grown older I’ve realised whilst the ‘my ex is crazy’ trope exists for a reason

However some women do weaponise acess to the kids

Pretty much all the women who hear that will think he's an abusive twat. The men who believe it aren't worth worrying about. BBC did a big investigation on the misuse of parental alienation in court cases, it certainly opened my eyes.

Instant red flag for me.

Without fail I immediately think he's abusive.

I assume it's bollocks and there's a reason he's not seeing them. Of course there are a tiny number of mothers who are manipulative and do block contact, but in my experience it's the man's fault.

I think 'unlikely. Chances are you're a bell end'

I never buy it.
Make a bloody effort.
I remember when I was at school, a Dad coming to watch his daughter for every sports day or school event. She refused to speak to him for years but he still came and you know what? She got over it and they became close again.

I think in any case where any man or woman says anything critcal about an ex who they coparent with, I assume there is a lot more to the story. He is this, she is that, he won't do this, she won't do that, he tells them this, she tells them that. I would just nod and smile and assume there is a lot more and another side to the story.

I always think, well that's a big fat lie, "she" can't do that, it has to be court-ordered.

If it's court-ordered, then great, the children are being protected.

If it's not court-ordered, why hasn't he consulted a solicitor to get access sorted out?

Either that he has done something which means his ex has reason to not let him see the kids, or (more likely) that he’s a deadbeat and has not bothered trying to fight for a proper custody arrangement. Both of which are a dealbreaker.