When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think?

[Gardenerboo]

This is my ex husband’s narrative to anyone who will listen and it’s simple not the case.

We have 2 teenagers who have (at present) chosen not to see him following abuse.

Although my priority is obviously the children, I have moments where I feel angry at the injustice of what he is telling people. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard.

I would think yes there is probably a reason for that!!!

When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think

I think 'drama to be avoided'. I dont even want to know the ins & outs of the story, Im not inclined to have anything to do with men who spin that line. Too many women fall for it tho, wanting to prove they're the better woman.

My ExH told his new partner at the time, the same thing. She hated me. Until, many years and 3 children later, he left her and doesnt have anything much to do with their children at all. I dont see or have anything to do with her although I'd be civil if I came across her. But both her children and mine, now grown, are very close. & her children stay at mine whenever they're in town. None of the children really bother with their dad.

I don't decide anything. I can't possibly know what the real situation is. If I had no other information and didn't know the guy it's IMPOSSIBLE to know. It's crazy how many posters assume that because it's a man then he must be guilty.

I know plenty of dead beat Dads but I also know a couple where the woman is the huge problem. Posters who think that it is never the woman to blame are deluded.

I know someone who was forced by the courts to let her X have their child even though he was not only seriously violent to her, but has violently assaulted their child as well. The courts didn't care. So, if I heard a man say this, I would immediately regard him as a liar AND I would be wondering what one Earth had he done that he wasn't allowed to see his children? Either that, or I'd think he was the one who just couldn't be bothered with his own kids, and was twisting the facts to gain sympathy and was a toxic, possibly personality disordered man!
I would be really angry in your shoes too OP, but don't react, because anyone who believes him or accepts his lies is either woefully naive or dodgy themselves. Those who know you and your kids and care about ye won't believe him for a second!

I have heard this sentence used so many times. Mostly by men on dating websites. As soon as I see it I think its never so simple but you can navigate quite quickly by how men speak of their ex. Most of the time its that the man showed abusive behavior towards his DC and the children, if old enough, will have decided to hold off communication to a minimum.

So the man will use this as I have never come across a man that has free willingly admitted to being an abuser. Also, men who claim this are also the victims, and this sentence is also used by them, when finding a new mate, to see who takes the bate, as a team of two morally bankrupt people will always try and find a way to manipulate the truth.

Personally I instantly get the ick if this sentence is thrown about and I pay huge attention what is said next. Its a good indicator to what sort of persona they hold.

I know that sounds judgmental, each to their own.

Unless the woman is just a horrible and vindictive person (and there are some who can falsely accuse) then i'd assume the man is a scumbag.

I think my ex is saying this about me at the moment. It's not the truth.

1- I have limited contact as he is abusive and a gambling addict who I also fear could turn into an alcoholic. He's made some extremely poor choices. However I have not stopped contacted. He can see ds 1 day every other weekend if he wants too. He could have more contact if he actually started to build up the trust again.

2- he isn't bothered. Never rings or texts to see how ds is. Battling with him at the moment to pay maintenance as he won't.

I did decide to try the dating scene again and started talking to a guy that had 2 daughters. Eventually he said he wasn't allowed to see them - his ex fault. Apparently she used to call the police about him daily though he was never charged for anything. The police told him he could get her in trouble for harassment.

He then went on to give me advice on how to handle my ex as he believed his ex was also abusive and using the kids as a weapon blah blah blah...

Didn't believe a word of it and that was the end. Never spoke to him again. It's not worth it. Something isn't right and there is absolutely no way I'm getting involved in anything like that again.

Either: he's abusive so she tries to keep the kids away to protect them OR its horseshit, he's just too lazy/cheap to see his own kids and blames her for it in order to play the innocent victim and abandon all responsibility.

I think there are some mothers who intentionally alienate their Ex H and make it very difficult to see their children.

This

Always wonder about the other side of the story.

Abuser.

A million years ago I used to do divorce law. If the client was a man after hearing what he had to say I almost always felt so sorry for him. Poor men!

Then I would get the particulars from the other side…

I would think the mother was using hers kids as pawns against her ex

I would think he was lazy, abusive or generally shit. Because he wasn't prepared to do anything about getting to see them.

Do you have details on that BBC investigation?

Before making judgement I’d ask the simple question “have you sought legal advice or been to court?” as certainly with my exh the answer would be no he fucking hasn’t.

Every six months or so, my EXH sends me a rant about me keeping his kids from him. I always wonder if he’s doing it in front of someone/for someone’s benefit as when I respond and ask him to communicate through mediation or respond to court docs, he goes silent again. Never in the meantime does he even ask how his children are, or send birthday gifts/cards or communicate with me on any level. I last heard from him in this way in April ‘23 I’m sure he tells people I don’t let him see his kids, but I don’t care. I’m more concerned that my children will suffer permanently from abandonment issues because of what he’s done. Anyone foolish enough to believe him will soon get to know what he’s like.

I have someone I used to work with on Facebook who is regularly posting about how evil his ex is and that she is withholding contact, and getting lots of sympathy. I can see why she might have decided to keep it to a minimum though as he keeps publicly being extremely rude about her, he gets really argumentative about the arrangements or the way they have contact about the kids (and has posted about it publicly thinking he is in the right!). He doesn't seem willing to do any compromising with her whatsoever.

I used to think he was quite a nice person but this has made me totally reconsider as he can't stop being angry long enough to get out of his own way.

Err well I have the link? https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-66531409

@Switcher Thanks!

My exh tells ME that I won't let him see them, them. Despite him never taking me up on the offers for him to see them. He works, you see. (So do I)

I would wonder what he had done and why he didn’t pursue contact through the court. Usually there’s a good reason for women to protect their children from an abusive father.

I empathise... Seperated spouse told his family I wouldn't permit him to see child.. this was when we first separated.. reality son did not want to see his dad... He still needs lots of encouragement to see his dad..I think he'd rather not..he no longer trusts him ..

Still got a lot of agro from husband's family..I'm made out to be the bad guy.. he's spun a different story... To be honest in the early days I wanted no contact with spouse ideally but felt it important to keep his relationship with dad...except my son doesn't want it...even now nearly two years on he rarely wants to see his dad

I know someone like this. I've known him for a while and he's a very heavy drinker. Used to see his kids a lot until his ex stopped him. He says it was because of an arguement/fight he had with another man whilst he was looking after his daughters.

I think it's more to do with the drink than anything else. I think that's the reason she left him. I'm not sure if he'd been drinking before he drove them home.

Point is he paints himself as a total victim, but he did used to see his kids all the time and she was obviously happy with that. But now it's been about 7 months since he last saw them. He took up court proceedings etc, but I don't know whether he tries to keep in touch with them still, send them money etc. And I don't know whether he's any closer trying to see them through the court.

He did pay maintenance but when she stopped access he stopped the money and then CSA stepped in, so now he has to pay anyway. He obviously didn't think that one through.

He was heavily involved with his kids at one point but now I'm not sure whether he's just given up. I don't know her but I do know him and can see why she stopped access if it was the drink that caused an issue, along with everything else.

So, yes, to answer the OP, I think 80% of the time there must be a good reason for it.

I think it's rare for single parents to want no help whatsoever from other parent. Although it does exist sometimes.

I always think that they either can't be arsed to see their children, or there is very good reason why he is not allowed to.