When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think?

[Gardenerboo]

This is my ex husband’s narrative to anyone who will listen and it’s simple not the case.

We have 2 teenagers who have (at present) chosen not to see him following abuse.

Although my priority is obviously the children, I have moments where I feel angry at the injustice of what he is telling people. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard.

I assume he's a wanker.

Unfortunately, I do understand your worries as I am always a bit surprised at how often people are taken in by these stories. You know, mutual friends (especially thr men) who are sympathetic etc.

Usually, if you point out to.sympathisers thay courts don't usually refuse access and ask them what the poor sd.man has done to sort the problem they do tend to have a bit of a wake up. But you are right that the default is often to believe the man.

I know a couple of blokes who spin this narrative.

One claimed he didn't want to disrupt his child's ballet classes on a Saturday so "couldn't" see them then (not sure why he couldn't have driven them there?) And "worked all week so there's no quality time is there?", meanwhile the mother was stuck with quality AND quantity time and then he made a new family so was "busy".

The other repeatedly didn't turn up for the school run, got so drunk he pissed himself, left 8 year olds in the house unattended and bought a massive boisterous dog and his "bitch" ex - for reasons unknown -reduced contact.

It tends to mean they haven't really tried, and don't really care.

Teenagers at the time of split? I'd presume either their choice or that he doesn't make the effort.

Younger kids... id want to hear both sides. But the phrase "she won't let me see them" sounds a bit suspicious.

Two sides to every story but parental alienation is a common occurrence as is using access to the children as a bargaining chip. Both mothers and fathers play these games and the children suffer.

Individually there may be good reasons either way but at a more general level, at a society level children suffer because their parents who (quite legitimately) don't like each other any more and can't see past that to put their children's needs ahead of their desire for revenge or moving onto a new relationship and forgetting about their kids needs.

It is reassuring to hear these replies. To hear that people are reasonable and consider there are other sides of the story.

My ex is very charming and no one would believe what he put us through and no one would believe the way he behaved behind closed doors. I am sure that has explained that I am manipulative/denying contact/controlling, that’s easier to believe than ‘the children don’t want to see you’ isn’t it?

The children have phones and email accounts, could walk to his house it’s that close. They are choosing not to.

Massive red flag - most likely not true, and he just can’t be fucked (red flag), or it’s actually his kids who don’t want to see him (red flag), or it is true, and he has either done something to warrant that (red flag), or he hasn’t just bothered fighting it (not very impressive).

I don’t know why men think this is going to be a point of sympathy, when it is like a “not good relationship material” klaxon going off. I’d see it on a par with “I’ve just declared bankruptcy”, and “I’m in the process of being deported” in terms of me running a mile.

I think the person is likely to be full of drama.

Same as everyone else: what's really going on there? With teenagers I'd assume they didn't want to see him.
The men I've come across over the years whose exes did actually make it somewhat difficult to see their children did what they could to change that, including taking legal action - and still didn't go round broadcasting a story of victimhood.

My stepfather is an interesting case in point. My mother is his third wife and behind closed doors I can see why. He's a manipulative weirdo who engineers situations to seem like the victim. He asked her to help him lose weight because he has heart disease, so she doesn't cook dessert every day and avoids red meat, and now he tells his kids "she tells me what I can eat". He keeps putting her down about the fact his pension is bigger and gets his kids to express concern about her getting half the house when he dies. It's him with the "concerns". Wanker.

My order of thoughts are

She must have a good reason…
And then maybe he doesn’t make the effort and knows how shit he is. Hence the lie.

i don’t think I’ve ever taken this at face value until I’ve seen their interactions for myself.

Unless it’s followed by “…and the delay in getting into court is killing me” I assume they don’t bother.

Like most people I know/have met several men who don’t see their children. I only know of one who has repeatedly gone to court to actually fight for access to his children.

My poor soul of an ex now has three crazy, evil exes who prevent access to his children… I’m the worst apparently. My daughters are desperate to see him, but I prevent it because he’s not allowed to come near my house. My daughters spend most of the year in another city 300 miles away where they are both at Uni, but that is irrelevant apparently.
His latest ex made it impossible for the poor soul to see his youngest. He wanted to see him every Friday from 8-10pm and she had the nerve to say that was quite late for a 3yo so he’s taking her to court. At some point. Not yet though as he has a couple of holidays coming up, but definitely after that…

I assume it’s a line to justify why he doesn’t bother to see his kids. I accept there might be more to it (either way) but that would always be my starting point.

My ex doesn’t see our children and has no trouble meeting women so I’m not convinced that many women irl are put off by it

I’d assume that one way or another he was a shit dad.

There aren’t many single parents in the world who wouldn’t like a break occasionally, so I’d assume there was a definite reason.

My ex does see the kids but he tells anyone who will listen that he’d like more time but I’m a bitch who won’t let him. This isn’t true - I’ve said yes loads - it’s just that I won’t agree to picking them up from school, changing clothes and feeding them, minding them till hes ready and then letting him pick them up from me when I’m working. I expect him to do that (he can’t because he’s working, like me) or pay for childcare (like I do on my days).

I've thankfully never needed a solicitor but aren't they quite expensive and therefore prohibitive if you're trying to restart your life or you aren't well paid?

If I hear it I do imagine there's a wider story but I don't think as easy as going to court to gain access as some are suggesting

I'm always suspicious . My ex tells everyone this but it was him who couldn't be bothered to see them but wants an excuse . I have no doubt he tells everyone I'm mental but if that's the case why didn't he take me to court to see the children to protect them from me then ?
I've single parented since my youngest was one , she is now 19 and we are all still recovering from his psychological , financial and physical abuse and abandonment ( he lied to his family and they refused to see the children also ) We are a surviving family but it's been very hard but he knew that it would be for me as I have no family to support us . The children struggle with loss as a result . So yes I would be suspicious however I'm aware there are 2 sides also

I think probably a good reason

It’s easy enough to represent yourself, especially at the start of court proceedings for access.

And all the Dad support style sites/groups have very good guides for fathers to do exactly that.

I'd wonder why.

There are some, but very few, women who will punish an ex by saying this or controlling who he dates and moving on by restricting access to the children. But it's very few.

Most women who do this do so with very good reason. I'd wonder what that reason was.

But mainly I'd just assume he was lying and a dick.

I wouldn't he thinking, "God, what a bitch!" anyway.

Could be anything- abuse, a lazy man who isn’t bothered about seeing the children but lies about it to sound like a nice guy, or a genuine case of the mum trying to prevent the dad having access for no good reason.

I’d probably assume the second one unless I had other evidence. Lazy men are ten a penny.

My ex SIL kept the kids at time from my brother but she had significant mental health problems. It was a really messy and complicated sitaution. Her being a woman did mean the courts kept giving her custody even though she wasn't really a competent parent and the kids wanted to live with my brother (this was awhile ago - might be different now). His child support was at one point her only income and so she didn't want to give that up. Took him ten years, his entire life savings, and lots of unnecessary trauma for the kids but he eventually got custody.

Most families that break up are messy and complicated. I rarely think anyone is all good anyone all bad. And both men and women can have good or bad intentions or want to hurt the other or be selfish or meanspirited. Sex of the parties doesn't play into it for me.

It depends, some people do use their dc and access to get at the other parent, some men are just shit

Ds is having to go back to court again as exdil seems to think the court order is optional

‘Bullshit, bet he’s an absolute prick’

I always thought yep there is nearly always a good explanation around it now this is my reality I see it, my ex & his gf say this about me,his gf has even gone as far to put it on FB (why I have no idea,FB is her diary it seems she puts everything on it) that I apparently stopped him having the kids on one particular weekend when he had actually messaged me an hour past pick up saying "not getting kids this week" that was it no explanation etc but yet it's me that to blame 🫣🤷🏻‍♀️