When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think?

[Gardenerboo]

This is my ex husband’s narrative to anyone who will listen and it’s simple not the case.

We have 2 teenagers who have (at present) chosen not to see him following abuse.

Although my priority is obviously the children, I have moments where I feel angry at the injustice of what he is telling people. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard.

I would think Deadbeat Dad who has been awful with regards to seeing his children, and someone who doesnt enhance their lives at all

If the children are young I think the Dad is not good for them otherwise the mother would want him to be in DC lives. If the children are older then I think they have chosen not to see him. Again, if the father was any good then they would have a good relationship.

Court wrongly orders DC to see toxic/abusive father's all the time despite mother's wishes so if they really aren't seeing their DC it's not simply because the mother is refusing contact.

My ex does this. The truth is far from it.
I rarely believe it now and I think very, very poorly of the man.

I think: "yeah right, I'd love to hear which part you're NOT telling me"

I think there’s obviously more to it than that. I assume there’s been a horrible falling out at least. I don’t believe everything I hear.

I don't judge as I know its may not be as straight forward as I am being told. The law is on the side of the resident parents in the UK and often that's the mother and contact does not start at an automatic 50/50 and work down depending on working hours, main carers roles, children's needs etc like some countries which I think is wrong.

I know dead beat mum's and dad's (more often dad's), Disney dad's and mums and dads that have been the victims of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is more common than a lot of people realise and incredibly damaging to the child and the parent who have been alienated. I have met nin resident parents that have bankrupted themselves to see there child.

Equally it's also damaging to a child to have a non reliable drunk parent regardless of if the parent is the resident or non resident parent.

However as your kids are teenagers they are old enough to decide what they want that should be respected.

I am divorced from the father of my children. He told all kinds of lies about me and the breakdown of our marriage/ access to the children to the 17 year old he left me for. She is now 44 and has just divorced him. She has started asking questions about the time she got together with him. He told her I was mentally ill, that he divorced me, that I wouldn't let him see the children etc etc. I sent her a photo of the decree absolute. I divorced him. Everything he told her was a lie. Our children are adults and choose to have no contact. The teenage daughter of his second marriage chooses to reply to his texts with one word answers and to not see him. My judgement of men who say they aren't allowed to see their children is obviously tainted by my experiences but I would always wonder what the other side of the story was. My exhusband is now dating again after his second divorce. He's on Bumble. Our adult children found his profile. His name is true ,as is his age. Every other detail is a lie. Every single one.

That at best he is a lazy shite who expects women to do all the emotional labour in his life and hasn't quite got over the fact he's now divorced and has to, ya know, call his kids all by himself.

That at worst he is an abusive shit.

It's more red flags than a May Day parade for me.

Oh that and Limmy: She's turned the weans against me. But that's probably quite niche if you're not Scottish

I always assume deadbeat or abuser.

I've never ever - literally never ever - seen with my own eyes a case of a man being genuinely kept from his children without good cause. I've seen mothers weaponise their children, don't get me wrong, but the dads who are "kept away" from their kids always seem to have the time and cash to start new families, take their girlfriend on holiday, take up expensive hobbies etc. Or even just go about their normal business and largely accept the situation, whilst also moaning to anyone who will listen about their crazy ex etc.

I just think about my own family and my husband. He is a completely involved and equal parent who loves our children every bit as much as I do. If we split up and I stopped him seeing the kids, he would live in a ditch, find a second job (and a third job and a fourth job) and spend every penny on lawyers before he would walk away and admit defeat. He wouldn't be throwing his hands in the air and saying "well I'm just not allowed to see them 🤷‍♂️" and carrying on with life.

I'm sure there must be some very extreme cases, probably involving things like international law and parental abduction etc, where dads are genuinely kept apart from their kids. But we're talking such a miniscule proportion of cases. I just don't believe these kind of extreme circumstances apply to every average Joe who makes this "not allowed to see the kids" claim.

I would think you never know the whole story from one side. He could be a deadbeat, or there could have been parental alienation.

Generally think they are dodgy. If its true usually its obvious, like if the mum banned him, usually shes banned other people too, its almost never a woman that way inclined only targets one guy, if shes capable of that it shows in her relationships with others too. If a guy says that but she has other friends or family it really doesnt add up.

I would think they’re the problem not the mum

Tbf though im on a lot of single parent groups and one thing I've noticed is a lot of women don't want their exes involved, surprisingly more than people imagine so there may be some truth to it but obviously I would wonder why he didn't try harder. But there is a lot of women who clearly don't want their exes around.

A few people have commented on parental alienation or the women not wanting the man involved for whatever reason. I suspect this does happen. The difference is that good dads in this situation don't go around bitching about their crazy ex. They usually can tell you what they are specifically doing to maintain contact.

ExBIL claims sil is keeping him from their dc. Because 1) she has asked him, repeatedly, to tell her when he is going to see them (and not just turn up) and 2) has told that he cannot continue to use her house as his contact centre, and most definitely can not sleep over and 3) has told him that if he chooses not to arrive when he is supposed to, she will make other plans.

That he's a pain in the bleep.

Anyone who rants and moans publicly about their kids 'being taken away' or 'not being allowed to see them' is a knobhead.

My dad has bleated this for 40 odd years. The truth is he's never actually wanted to know me. Total arsehole.

I wouldnt believe it. If anybody tried to stand between me and DD i would be using every resource and moment i had to stop it. Most dads, incl DDs just cant seem to be bothered or would rather keep their money. I know a dad with a genuinely horrible manipulative ex and he has really put the effort in to maintain contact with his son, fight her in court etc so it can be done if theres a will.

It's a big red flag for me - if she genuinely wouldn't let you see the children for no good reason then you could go and get a court order and force her to let you, so either there is a very good reason he can't see them or he can't be bothered to change the situation.

Well if that happened then it would have already become a legal situation, so there would be official access arrangements in place. The point I’m making is that I would never give up, ever. Obviously I can’t comment on the perspective of a violent abuser, because I’m not one!

I think massive red flag and wonder what variety of bastard he is.

Sure there maybe a few men who are hard done by with wives who use the children as a weapon but far more try to preserve access unless he's abusive, or visits become damaging to the children.

Four years ago, my husband and I split - never for one second did i think he wouldn't want shared custody of our two boys

But no, insisted he could only see them every few months. Every visit was a trauma for one reason or another. Eventually, he asked to see them one weekend when it was arranged, he told me he intended to keep them for a year.

Needless to say, my solicitor advised that I should not hand them over. We've never heard from him since ! An occasional birthday card with the pitiful how much he loves them and misses them.

I have no doubt he tells everyone that i deny him access - threatening to take them for a year was a ploy to manoeuvre me to tell him he couldn't have them so that he has it in writing that I denied him.

Nothing on this earth would keep me from my children, so when I hear anyone say that they don't get to see their their kids … It's their fault, their apathy, and they don't deserve them.

Agree, there are some women who will make things very difficult, but you fight for your kids and you never stop.

He’s been denied contact by the courts or he’s a deadbeat who is all talk and no actual fathering.

My own husband has children from a previous marriage. His ex hates him and has moved all over the country with the kids in pursuit of various fellas. My husband still manages to see them very regularly and has a fantastic relationship with them. Parenting is about putting the kids first and putting in the time. You’ve either got it or you haven’t.

Claims of parental alienation are increasingly used by abusive men

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66531409

Before I understood the system - I would have thought how awful.
Now I know I’d think he was a bullshitter and I’d keep my distance. If he really wanted to see kids he could go through court and have it court ordered. Unless kids are old enough to decide not to in which case he still isn’t being honest and pointing the finger. I’d assume he must be quite horrid if even his own kids don’t want to see him….!

I wonder, "how hard did you try?"

I don’t automatically believe he’s wrong. There’s a lot of woman who are toxic and prefer misery chaos and scoring points instead of putting their kids first