Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 12:50

Why did you do it?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 12:52

Oh dear. I’m not sure anyone is going to be able to say anything to make this any better I’m afraid.

if you tell him it’s possible that it will be the end of your marriage but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t

HelenTudorFisk · 10/09/2023 12:53

Look, I’m not going to lay the boot in. You know you’ve fucked up. You should tell your husband, because he deserves all the information ESPECIALLY before you try to conceive a child - because if this comes out afterwards it’s not only your husbands life you have potentially blown to pieces.
And before the chorus of people arrive saying ‘it was only once, you feel terrible, keep it to yourself’ you need to imagine how you might feel if you discovered that he had cheated on you, say, before you married, and you didn’t enter into the marriage with all the information available to you, to make an informed choice.

BranchGold · 10/09/2023 12:54

the fact you’re considering reaching out to the colleague for your own support is the biggest red flag I think. You say it was a one off, not an affair. What’s your communication with the colleague before? Friendly? Did you chat at all on messages etc? What lead up to you sleeping with him?

heldinadream · 10/09/2023 12:56

I'm not going to advise you to tell or not tell. I think you should try and get some emergency therapy support. Phone some therapists in your area and see who you can see first and if they can see you for maybe three or four sessions this week and who - over the phone - you feel most comfortable with. You can say it's an emergency without saying what it is. It'll cost you a bit but you need help processing this before you act in any way.
Best of luck OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 12:56

Why don't you call the samaritans to talk it through- confidential.

Did you use protection or take the map?

NerrSnerr · 10/09/2023 12:59

If you contact him you'll be into affair territory. You need to work out why you did it. You'll probably need to consider a sexual health check too.

WaitingfortheTardis · 10/09/2023 13:01

Echoing above, can you remember if you used protection? This is a difficult time for you and only you can decide what to do, but it doesn't make you the worst person in the world or anything. You will move on from this moment in time, though some things may change as a result of it.

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:02

in the working day - rarely come across each other, when we have, strictly professional.
However we have chatted a bit at after work events for literally years and it’s always been very clear to me that he’s been attracted to me. We have a very strong mutual physical attraction I’m not sure I’ve experienced with someone else in my life. This was the line he fed me on Wednesday, I originally resisted but then gave in. he told me this was always bound to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:03

Thank you, this is a good idea. Used protection

OP posts:
Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:03

Thank you - this first line was what I needed to hear - I will not contact him

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/09/2023 13:03

Absolutely do not contact OM. But it could be telling that you are considering talking to him still.
There's probably a reason you slept with him other than being drunk. Take the time to look at what's been wrong that lead you to it. Have you felt a lack of attention from your DH, are you maybe annoyed on some level that he has gone on a lads hol? If you can't work out why, you can't stop it happening again, so you might as well split.
What's churning you up most? Is it what you did, or that how hurt your DH would be? If you keep it to yourself and carry on as was, you'll have to accept living with the guilt. Offloading to your DH only helps to deal with the guilt if you split up, draw a line under it and move on. If your aim is to tell him, but talk him round to sticking with it, the guilt will be worse going forward will be worse than if you'd not said anything.
So it depends what outcome you want how you procede.

SameToo · 10/09/2023 13:06

Have you considered that you’re not happy on your relationship?

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2023 13:10

You need to have a check for STD. You need to decide what to do, and start making plans. Is the man likely to tell anyone else?

You alone need to decide what to do. You absolutely shouldn’t tell your DH simply as a way to deal with your guilt imo. You won’t feel better, you’ll still have the guilt . That doesn’t mean don’t tell him, it means look at your motivation, and be prepared for the consequences.

Contacting the other man is pointless, won’t make you feel better and is entirely likely to lead you into doing it again. The fact you are considering it is something you should probably think about too.

shiningstar2 · 10/09/2023 13:12

I would advise no telling your DH. The hurt will be massive the potential fall out will be massive. Lack of trust going forward, maybe bitterness leading to him doing the same to punish you, divorce. You did something very wrong ...no getting away from that You have been disloyal and unfaithful to your husband . You are young ...you made a stupid mistake. If you love your husband and want to keep your marriage, what is to be gained by telling him? Deep hurt for him and potential massive life changing fall out in everybodies lives. Keep well away from this other man, don't confide in anyone you know in real life, never get that drunk again and move on with building your marriage. 💐

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:14

OM very unlikely to tell anyone else, he’s also in a relationship and is also not the type. I think the posts here have very strongly convinced me that I should not contact him so I will not

OP posts:
ScottishIceCream · 10/09/2023 13:16

I think you need to consider looking for a new job so that temptation will never come your way again with this man.

Opentooffers · 10/09/2023 13:17

If you have experienced more attraction for OM than anyone else in your life wtf did you marry your DH? That was a sign right there that you should not have. Sounds like you are coasting with your DH, do not add DC to this mess.
There we have it, you may well think you love your DH, but you've been flirting with this OM over a long period of time. How do you feel about OM? Got him out of your system? Was it a hot night like you expected? Would he want any more? You've got tonnes to consider and possibly a way out could be to end the marriage without mention of OM - at least it sets him free to find someone who does feel deep attraction for him.

Yellowflower47 · 10/09/2023 13:17

You need to tell your DH. It’s not fair to lie to someone after you’ve already decided to be unfaithful and break your marriage vows. You then have to just take what comes regarding your marriage.

makeminealargeoneagain · 10/09/2023 13:20

You were stupid. If you tell him you'll still have the guilt. You will then risk your marriage ending and destroying any trust going forward. If you are certain it won't happen again and have no STD then I wouldn't tell. I'd be absolutely certain never to put myself in the situation where it could happen again. You need to talk about it with somebody, often a stranger is best eg samaritans or counselling, then park it and move forward. Young and foolish, but learn about why you did it and then get on with your life.

noselfworth · 10/09/2023 13:21

If you truly love him & it's a mistake I wouldn't tell him & that comes from someone who has been recently cheated on.
It's destroyed me I would have rather not know, but in my case he didn't love me, if you truly do love him & he loves you I would give it some serious thought before you confess

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:22

probably did not explain this well - am attracted to my DH and have also been attracted to many other men in my life obviously but this man in particular sets off a magnetic, pheromone type response. I’ve not really experienced something like it before. I do not confuse this with an emotional connection or say this makes it OK just answering your question. Up until weds, I rarely thought of him other than when I was literally speaking to him which was maybe 4-5 times a year

My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him - this is why this hurts and I regret it so much - I honestly honestly do. My whole future and life is built around him

OP posts:
LovingMyLiver · 10/09/2023 13:23

You haven't killed anyone OP x

MaryJanesonabreak · 10/09/2023 13:23

Book yourself some counselling sessions so that you can a, unburden yourself and b, work out why you did it. You need to lay this to rest for your marriage to remain viable, and your mental health.

nobodysdaughternow · 10/09/2023 13:24

Our actions tell us about our emotions.

You were aware of OM's attraction to you and felt the same, for quite some time before this happened.

I would tell your dh because you both need to talk about what's missing in your relationship.

If you don't tell the truth, he won't listen when you say that something's wrong.

Life's too short to spend it with the wrong person.