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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
canyon2000 · 10/09/2023 13:51

I didn’t think sex was that important to me and I’m aware that in all long term relationships sex dies down

Why do you think this? I am 50 and have been with my husband since I was 17 and we still have plenty of sex. I think your relationship with your DH isn't as great as you like to think it is.

Ascendant15 · 10/09/2023 13:52

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:14

OM very unlikely to tell anyone else, he’s also in a relationship and is also not the type. I think the posts here have very strongly convinced me that I should not contact him so I will not

You clearly are both "the type" because not only did this happen but you have both been sneaking around the edges of it for years - you've also admitted that. He "knew it would happen one day" (how original that particular line is!) and you knew the attraction was there, it was a risk, and still played with fire.

I'm conflicted about the right thing to do here, but I think I'd probably have to say that adding dishonesty to your relationship, no matter what else happens, isn't helpful. If this were the other way around and a women found her bloke had been unfaithful, it's a huge round of "LTB", and no amount of being sorry about it makes any difference. You also seem very badly affected by it anyway, so I am not convinced that you can live with the lie, so maybe you do have to tell him.

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 13:54

gamerchick · 10/09/2023 13:47

How drunk were you? The fact he used a condom says he wasn't as drunk as you. We're you sober enough to consent or did he take advantage?

I wouldn't say anything. I would confront the issues in your relationship though. You have unmet needs and they need to be dealt with before you start to pop out kids is this marriage going to be enough for the long haul?

Always the man’s fault here isn’t it? She cheated on her husband, but the other guy is to blame, even though she’s considering getting in touch with him for some emotional support.

JustACountryMusicLoverInCowboyBoots · 10/09/2023 13:55

If this was a man posting you'd get your arse handed to you and rightly so. You're even starting on the script 🙄 If you don't tell your husband he's living a lie. He doesn't deserve to be married to an unfaithful woman. If this has wrecked your marriage then so be it. It's his choice to make if he wants to stay married to you.
OM's partner is also being cheated on and that makes him just as bad. Neither of you can be trusted. You might not even be the only one he's telling shagging him was inevitable.
Have the ovaries to tell your husband and let him make an I formed decision on whether or not he can move past this and continue with the marriage.

Oldsoldiersfadeaway · 10/09/2023 13:55

I agree with seeking counselling, having sex once every six weeks as a relatively newly married couple, pre-kids is a bad sign. I’m not excusing your behaviour (as I know you’re not either) but I can understand why you’d seek desire and intimacy elsewhere if its lacking at home

TrackerBar · 10/09/2023 13:57

Sorry if someone has already said it, but you should take the MAP anyway as you stated you were very drunk, so can't be sure that your contraceptive worked.

Edit: Sorry just saw that it was a few days ago, so prob too late now.

cheezncrackers · 10/09/2023 13:58

If sex is almost nonexistent in your marriage after only a year of marriage and you haven't even had kids yet, and you're so deprived of physical affection that you've already gone and got it elsewhere, I'm afraid I agree with @canyon2000 saying: 'I think your relationship with your DH isn't as great as you like to think it is.'

Think long and hard in the next four days OP, but forever (as in the rest of your life), is a REALLY long time to go with very sporadic sex - seriously mismatched sex drives, such as you and your DH have, can be a relationship killer for many.

My advice would be to come clean to your DH (since I don't think you can live with the guilt and he's going to figure it out for himself if you don't), and also think about whether you really want to stay in your marriage, regardless of how he feels about your infidelity and your future as a couple. Marriage is about more than just being buddies - what sets marriage apart from friendship is sex.

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 13:58

Agree with others. Don't speak to other man. Don't tell him. You'll have to live with the guilt.

But omg, sex every 6 weeks? Why? Has it always been like this?

Ime this is not normal (unless you have a new baby or something). Yes, it gets less, but if you're already down to every 6 weeks, where will you be in a few years? How will you resist temptation in future?

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 13:58

I think it’s more likely that the OP will repeat the act in the coming weeks than tell her husband. All the clues are there, aren’t they?

usedtobeasizeten · 10/09/2023 13:59

Yes! Definitely don’t tell your husband…unlike all the other threads where everyone screams ‘tell him/her, if it was me, I would want to know!’ Has anyone suggested your DH get an STI test yet??

Delpf · 10/09/2023 14:00

IncompleteSenten · 10/09/2023 13:46

If you have any respect at all for your husband you will tell him that you betrayed him. He has the right to make an informed decision about the future of your relationship. You don't get to see yourself as a victim here.

This. OP, your husband deserves to know about the relationship that he's in. By not telling him you're kind of manipulating the trajectory of the relationship.

andthat · 10/09/2023 14:00

MaryJanesonabreak · 10/09/2023 13:23

Book yourself some counselling sessions so that you can a, unburden yourself and b, work out why you did it. You need to lay this to rest for your marriage to remain viable, and your mental health.

This is good advice.

K8ate · 10/09/2023 14:00

gamerchick · Today 13:47

How drunk were you? The fact he used a condom says he wasn't as drunk as you. We're you sober enough to consent or did he take advantage?

I wouldn't say anything. I would confront the issues in your relationship though.

————————————————————————

Don’t tell her dh and put all the blame on the om……..
Why not just go the whole way by suggesting it was rape??????

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 14:00

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 13:58

I think it’s more likely that the OP will repeat the act in the coming weeks than tell her husband. All the clues are there, aren’t they?

It seems likely.

OP, as a very minimum, if you don’t intend to do this again then you should likely move jobs to get away from him.

goingtotown · 10/09/2023 14:01

If you can live with the guilt through out your marriage don't tell your DH. You need to look for another job.

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 14:02

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:43

Caveat that nothing I’m about to say I’m using as an excuse for what I did. But DH and I don’t have sex often, not never but not often. Maybe once every 6 weeks. I’d like to have it more and have raised that with him a few times. It also often feels to me like he sometimes sees it as a chore. this is probably one of the reasons over the past years I’ve flirted with OM from time to time, it made me feel attractive and wanted. I never thought or wanted for it to go this far though ever.

I didn’t think sex was that important to me and I’m aware that in all long term relationships sex dies down

‘Not looking for excuses but the missus doesn’t put out enough. Of course I’m going to look elsewhere ain’t I?’

Allwelcone · 10/09/2023 14:03

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 13:58

Agree with others. Don't speak to other man. Don't tell him. You'll have to live with the guilt.

But omg, sex every 6 weeks? Why? Has it always been like this?

Ime this is not normal (unless you have a new baby or something). Yes, it gets less, but if you're already down to every 6 weeks, where will you be in a few years? How will you resist temptation in future?

Agree with this.
Also going against the grain, I'd say think very carefully about whether or not you tell your DH. Be prepared to lose your relationship.

Montydin · 10/09/2023 14:03

If it was a woman posting here that her husband had done what you’ve done, the replies against him would be SO different!

I think that almost all affairs or cheating stems from issues within the relationship that might be deep rooted or scary to confront. Throughout marriage you may be attracted to different people but the point is that you don’t act on this, for the good of your marriage. It’s also very telling that you’ve been speaking to this man, even if on and off, and that your first thought is to reach out to him? That is making me think there’s more to this than you’re letting on. It doesn’t sound like a one night stand or drunken one-off mistake anyway.

I would be using this time away from your DH to seriously reflect on your marriage and what it may be lacking. I also think you might be foolish if you think there’s no way your affair will ever come out.

gamerchick · 10/09/2023 14:04

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 13:54

Always the man’s fault here isn’t it? She cheated on her husband, but the other guy is to blame, even though she’s considering getting in touch with him for some emotional support.

Show quote history

Being too drunk to consent is a thing and men do take advantage of very drunk woman.

Like it or not, I'm not arsed

Maatandosiris · 10/09/2023 14:04

heldinadream · 10/09/2023 12:56

I'm not going to advise you to tell or not tell. I think you should try and get some emergency therapy support. Phone some therapists in your area and see who you can see first and if they can see you for maybe three or four sessions this week and who - over the phone - you feel most comfortable with. You can say it's an emergency without saying what it is. It'll cost you a bit but you need help processing this before you act in any way.
Best of luck OP.

This is excellent advice. It’s happened, nothing you do is going to make it not happen, you need help exploring what will happen going forward

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/09/2023 14:05

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:03

Thank you, this is a good idea. Used protection

What kind of protection and who suggested it?

Somanycats · 10/09/2023 14:05

You should tell your husband and leave him. You are infatuated with this other man, which is a ridiculous state to be in when you are 'happily' married.

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 14:05

Thanks

i was very drunk and although difficult to tell I think likely more drunk than the OM - but was capable of consent.

Believe me one rule that I’ve taken from this si whatever happens I’m never getting that drunk again for the rest of my life.

im not trying to give a ‘script’ or excuse my behaviour. I honestly have to be extremely clear how awful I feel about this. I have not felt one emotion other than guilt since it happened and it’s literally made me unable to sleep or eat and made me physically vomit. I know what I have done is awful, and everything I’ve said is in response to questions asking why I think I could have done this, not supposed to be justifying it. I feel like the worst person ever and if I could do ANYTHING I’d turn back the clock so this didn’t happen.
I don’t want an affair with the OM. I guess I just needed someone to talk to and he was the only person in the world that already knew about it. This thread in itself has helped a bit with that in terms of having someone to talk to.
I think people are right that he is not necessarily a good guy. I was devastated afterwards by what I had done, he did not seem that distraught by what he had done to his own partner

OP posts:
Dancesaideveryone · 10/09/2023 14:06

rileynexttime · 10/09/2023 13:28

You got drunk and did something you regret terribly
You haven't murdered someone.
Put it behind you try and move forward.
And forgive yourself . You're human, humans mess up .

I agree with this. If you're sure you're committed to the marriage and it was a mistake not to be repeated, I'd advise keeping quiet. You'll just cause needless hurt to him which he won't thank you for. Ever.

But be sure you want this marriage

chachaching · 10/09/2023 14:06

Would all the people saying not to tell her husband give the same advice if it were a man who had been unfaithful to his wife?

You need to take responsibility for your own actions OP, as much as you regretted them. It will be a difficult conversation but one that needs to happen. Being deceitful will only bring more hurt.