Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him

In that case tell him and work through this and any other issues you have together - if he wants to of course, and naturally that's his decision to make

It's too late for this. If the truth is too much for someone to bear in a relationship, they need to know it all the more. It matters.

@branchscreen

What would you want your husband to do if the same thing had happened the other way around? Would you want him to tell you, or lie to you?

dont tell him, you are trying to absolve yourself of guilt and will make it worse.

Why though? What would be the aim here? I am in a very limited number of cases sympathetic to this view if the marriage is solid and the poster made a genuine, one off and much regretted lapse, say involving alcohol or grief or something.

Instead, this flirtation has been brewing for a while, the couple have mismatched sex drives and until posting here, OP was considering getting back in touch with the OM.

She and DH are considering having children soon but the marriage doesn't sound that great and they're only a year in.

I am honestly not sticking the boot into the OP (or your opinion) but if she just covers this up then what next? She feels atrocious, is still drawn to the other bloke and feeling rejected at home. Throw in a pregnancy. Maybe this could be the time for a very honest conversation about the condition of the marriage.

I appreciate my judgement couldn’t be more clouded but it’s something I’ve idly thought about in the past as well as obviously a lot in last few days but i think for a one night stand I’d rather not know, I know that’s not the answer you’re looking for though and there will be people here who have experienced it and their experiences are more valid

So, despite being strongly attracted to this colleague, you married your unsuspecting husband?
I suspect you would, given the chance, cheat again with him.
Tell your DH and leave the marriage, it’s a sham.

Relationships are built on mutual trust and honesty is one of the greatest assets you can have as a person.

We all screw up and I take the very pragmatic view in all areas of life that we are all human and mistakes can happen.....but only once. Twice? That is something different.

Being cheated on is one of the worst things in the world, it just is. A single indiscretion is something a cheated person can come back from, manage mentally and compartmentalise, meaning they can forgive, trust again and the relationship survives. But it is a very deep wound that never properly heals and you never forget it. Some people can mentally manage this single indiscretion, others cant. We're all different.

There are one or two others on here who have suggested some counselling. I would suggest that too otherwise, judging from your posts, this will eat you up. Do it on your own first so you can make sense of everything and openly ask your counsellor about the way forward in terms of telling your DH.. And only you know your DH. 6 years is long enough to have a decent understanding of what sort of person he is. He may well be unable to forgive you and call time on things.

That aside, you do need to remove yourself from an obvious temptation and move jobs. You owe that at the very least to your DH and it is a very important part of rebuilding your own morals, which are clearly in pieces.

My reservation though is your recent post - sex every 6 weeks at this stage of a relationship is just odd - you both seem mismatched in your sex drive. That problem will undoubtedly resurface unless you get that sorted together as a couple (that may well need future joint counselling) otherwise you'll just be tempted to stray again.

Did you orgasm? Was it really really good sex or shit? As a man, this would make things worse imo. It would make me feel as If I've failed and another man gave you the pound of your life. Please consider this when you formulate the next steps. You need to be honest with yourself and with your husband.
Not that it particularly matters. You did a disgusting thing.

The guilt might be punishment enough. Personally if your relationship with your husband is as strong as you say, it may be worth sitting him down BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN and letting him know. Apologise. Tell him you'll find a new job and you'll do anything it takes to prove that this was a big big mistake. Tell him that you love him more than life itself, and that you are ridden with guilt.

People don't like suggesting this, but maybe suggest he gets a night of freedom. He might not go through with it. But if he does, let him enjoy it and you can both drop your guilt.
Who knows, maybe it'll be a positive and a kinky start to a new sex life for the two of you. Does he enjoy being cucked? Believe it or not many people do... but that's consensual.

You need to be honest with yourself and your husband. You need to give him permission to be mad at you and leave if he wants too.

Maybe write a letter and leave it in the home for him to find, while you stay at your mother's or something. Make it incredibly clear that's where you are. Post new photos of you doing stuff with your parents. He will want to know you're actually where you say you are.

You've fucked up OP. You've dug your own grave. The only hope now is he either forgives you, accepts a night on the town, or he finds it kinky.

But whatever you do. DO NOT TELL HIM WHO IT WAS.

You'll cause even more problems.

If you don't tell him, every part of your relationship from now on is based on a massive lie. If he finds out later on it will be far worse. You made a choice, there are consequences. Allow your husband to make his choice with all the information, he deserves that much respect from you.

Don’t contact the OM and don’t tell your DH.

Slightly appalled by the people saying not to tell him. If your husband had sex with someone else, wouldn't you want to know?? If she doesn't tell him, the relationship from this point onwards is based on deception. Any future sex she and her husband have is sex by deception - he's not able to make any informed decision because she's deliberately withholding facts about their relationship from him.

Imo that's almost worse than the cheating. I could maybe forgive the cheating; lying about it is unforgivable. Give him the right to make a choice, OP!

I wouldn’t be happy with sex every 6 weeks. No way am I excusing the one night stand but this is giving alarm bells as pre-kids you should be ripping each other’s clothes off and intimacy is so important for bonding/feeling loved and cared for. I wouldn’t tell him in this instance but I would have a good hard think about what I wanted/needed from a relationship because I think long term you will feel very unsatisfied with your intimacy levels with your partner.

I wasn't looking for an answer; this isn't about me. I wouldn't be happy to lie or be lied to, and neither would my partner, but if you are, and you think your husband would prefer it, then do that. It's your marriage.

But if you think the truth wouldn't be important to him, then you might as well tell him, no?

I mean, the only reason you feel you can't tell him is because it would matter to him so much?

Don’t tell, it will destroy your marriage, if you do. DH will never trust you again. You will need to live with the guilt, and make sure you are never put in this situation again.

I think you should tell your husband. Then he can decide if he still wants to try for children with you or not. It's not fair on him otherwise.

‘ What informed decisions’ do you mean?!

I would just try and forget it and move on. If you don’t want your marriage to end don’t tell your husband

It is abusive to cheat on your husband. It is abusive to not be honest.

If this was a man we would be telling his wife to throw him out.

No difference.

You know you need to tell him.

DH will never trust you again

Because she has proven herself not to be trustworthy, and moreso if she can't be honest about it.

You cant be lying and expecting an honest marriage at the same time!

The thing is that I suspect you do want an affair, but you won’t admit it to yourself. Sad to say, it is pretty much ‘the script’.

As you said upthread, you are thinking about ‘reaching out’ to the OM to ‘talk it through’. This is just building up the furtive relationship and will, again, ‘accidentally’ lead to you sleeping together. You say you have been persuaded not to contact him but, for how long, and what if he contacts you?

If you really care for your husband, you will not only tell him but have a trial separation and get it out of your system, or not. If, after a few months, you haven’t contacted the OM and you both want your marriage back, that is a good way to rebuild.

Get another job away from the guy. And why has your guy gone on a lads holiday. Can you trust him?

Too drunk to consent but not drunk enough to tell her dh…..

Thank goodness a jury consists of 12 people and not just 1 person.

OP, do you find the thought of cheating hot? Like I do. I really do. But I wouldn't ever act on it.
This is something you need to consider. If the answer is yes, and since you've already cheated, you need to end your marriage.

Knowing that he’s having sex with a woman who chose to let a colleague ejaculate into her relatively recently because she was sexually aroused by him, and who is statistically likely to make a habit of doing so again.

"My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him - this is why this hurts and I regret it so much - I honestly honestly do. My whole future and life is built around him".

Because of this don't tell him, talk it through with a counsellor or a the Samaritans. Get it all off your chest, learn from it and move on. Please don't totally fuck up your marriage for this one mistake. Block OM now.