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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 14:18

Did you orgasm? Was it really really good sex or shit?
Don't answer this OP. Utterly inappropriate even to ask.

Epidote · 10/09/2023 14:19

You need to tell him. You have been together seven years and you are still in your 30s. It is not the end of the world if the relationship break and for me if will be better that live with the guilt.

There are several outcomes of what can happen if you tell him and only one if you not guilt and fear of him finding out.

Be brave, have a peaceful life single is better that live a lie with someone.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 14:19

It seems like you really have just made a mistake after getting too drunk. But you are feeling neglected in your marriage. I think if you decide to tell your husband you could come through this stronger than before

PenguinPete · 10/09/2023 14:20

Ah yes people are now trying to blame another man for having consensual sex with a willing party.

You can't claim rpe to avoid accepting responsibility. This wasn't rpe. This was OP fancing some strange.

Scienceadvisory · 10/09/2023 14:20

dawngreen · 10/09/2023 14:17

Get another job away from the guy. And why has your guy gone on a lads holiday. Can you trust him?

He's probably gone because he's not one of those weird people who thinks you have to stop doing things with friends when you get married. And she's got no reason not to trust him, she's the cheat here.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/09/2023 14:20

I know it's not me you asked, Trixiefirecracker, but "informed decisions" on the DH's part might include:

Getting an STI test
Whether to pause plans for children until things are more stable
Thoughts around if he can continue with the marriage at all
... and whatever else might matter to him personally

Right now he can't do any of them because he's being deceived, but never mind eh? To some, all that seems to matter is that OP gets to call all the shots

PrimalOwl10 · 10/09/2023 14:21

A year into your marriage and you broken your vows, you should be on a high after being married. I'd look at why you did this being drunk isn't an excuse. I think you should be truthful with him so he can make an informed choice before you have dc.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/09/2023 14:21

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 14:18

"My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him - this is why this hurts and I regret it so much - I honestly honestly do. My whole future and life is built around him".

Because of this don't tell him, talk it through with a counsellor or a the Samaritans. Get it all off your chest, learn from it and move on. Please don't totally fuck up your marriage for this one mistake. Block OM now.

How is that fair on her husband though? Doesn't he deserve to know she's cheated before he decides to have children with her?

MariePaperRoses · 10/09/2023 14:21

The right thing to do would be to tell your husband that you are unable to commit to just him and to give your husband the opportunity to dump you or forgive.

From the sound of it the fact you made sure there was protection means you realised exactly what you were doing and could have said no or stopped but you didn't.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 14:21

You need to tell him for his benefit because he deserves to know that you've cheated and he deserves to make the choice himself if the marriage should or should not continue.

If you don't tell him, everything will be based on a lie which is unfair to him, not to mention any future children.

Okaaaay · 10/09/2023 14:23

OP, I know this feels awful for you, excruciatingly so. But, in the grand scheme of life, it’s not the worst thing ever. It happens (a lot), you’re absolutely not the first and won’t be the last and, whilst you can’t change what’s gone, don’t let it eat up what’s to come. Try get some support from the Samaratains or somewhere, have a stern word with yourself about how to stop this from ever happening again. But then try but then stop with the self loathing.

On the relationship front, I would seriously consider having a conversation with your husband about the sex drive mismatch. From bitter experience, this can be a show stopper - it doesn’t have to be if it’s not that important to either partner, but if it is to one and not the other, then it’s a huge problem.

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 14:24

Delpf · 10/09/2023 14:12

Slightly appalled by the people saying not to tell him. If your husband had sex with someone else, wouldn't you want to know?? If she doesn't tell him, the relationship from this point onwards is based on deception. Any future sex she and her husband have is sex by deception - he's not able to make any informed decision because she's deliberately withholding facts about their relationship from him.

Imo that's almost worse than the cheating. I could maybe forgive the cheating; lying about it is unforgivable. Give him the right to make a choice, OP!

No I bloody would not, not for a one night stand.

Fifireee · 10/09/2023 14:27

Don’t tell him.
Move on.
Stop drinking.

If your marriage is not what you want then end it.

Confessions88 · 10/09/2023 14:29

I did the same with a previous partner, it wasn’t right but after I realised I wasn’t happy in the relationship and ended things, I didn’t tell him but it was clear we was sexually incompatible and weren’t well suited.

menopausalbloat · 10/09/2023 14:30

Why do people assume that because of a one-night stand, the relationship with the dh should end?
Relationships are hard and full of ups and downs. They're complex and are never black and white.
An infidelity doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. I do think your h should be told so that you can try to fix whatever it is that's broken. You at least owe him that.

sparkleshin · 10/09/2023 14:31

he will probably cheat on the boys holiday if he hasnt already

Flakey99 · 10/09/2023 14:31

I think you should tell your DH and suggest you try some couples counselling, because it’s clear that your marriage isn’t as great as you thought it was. Getting steaming drunk and having sex with a guy that you have a work based flirtation with, is unusual behaviour for a supposedly happily married woman.

You’ve no kids and have only been together for 6 years, yet only have sex about 8 times a year!

Maybe your husband is secretly gay or trans?

MrReflection · 10/09/2023 14:31

sparkleshin · 10/09/2023 14:31

he will probably cheat on the boys holiday if he hasnt already

That's a bit unnecessary

EVliving · 10/09/2023 14:31

If I was your DH and you told me what you had done I would contact the OM and his partner. It would be a shit storm. So I suggest you dont.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 14:31

@Fallingthroughclouds

You would be perfectly ok if your husband had slept with someone else, not told you, and continued to lie about it for the rest of your lives together?

Do you feel you have an honest, open relationship with your husband, and if so, do you value it?

PenguinPete · 10/09/2023 14:31

He should be given the opportunity to end it if he wants too.

You are talking about another person's feelings. Don't be so selfish.

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 14:32

@Fallingthroughclouds i can see where you are coming from. If my previously loyal and faithful DH had got shedded whilst away from home and had shagged a random stranger, whom there was no possibility he would see ever again, I probably (maybe?) wouldn’t want to know. He could live with the guilt as his punishment, rather than try and absolve himself by telling me. BUT…this isn’t the situation here. This has been building for a while and op will definitely see om again…..

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 14:32

@Flakey99

Maybe your husband is secretly gay or trans

What? Because he has a low sex drive? Big leap, there.

PenguinPete · 10/09/2023 14:33

menopausalbloat · 10/09/2023 14:30

Why do people assume that because of a one-night stand, the relationship with the dh should end?
Relationships are hard and full of ups and downs. They're complex and are never black and white.
An infidelity doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. I do think your h should be told so that you can try to fix whatever it is that's broken. You at least owe him that.

My previous post was aimed at you.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 10/09/2023 14:33

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 14:18

"My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him - this is why this hurts and I regret it so much - I honestly honestly do. My whole future and life is built around him".

Because of this don't tell him, talk it through with a counsellor or a the Samaritans. Get it all off your chest, learn from it and move on. Please don't totally fuck up your marriage for this one mistake. Block OM now.

Exactly This OP @branchscreen

recover, get support and move on its was a mistake as you've said and focus on the life & partner you actually love.