Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

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I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Possibly. Though it would depend on the situation, especially if this person is apparently feeling so guilty about it, I'd wonder how they'd be able to look the person they love in the eye, talk about having children with them etc without looking upset or acting a bit funny and the person cheated on wondering what was going on.

I'd be shocked if actual lies didn't also happen. In any case, lying by omission/lying would be pretty much the same to me about something as big as cheating.

Lying by omission is deceit. It's just as bad.

I would tell your husband he deserves to know, it will drive you insane to keep it to yourself

loooooooool 😄

So bisexuality is wrong but cheating is fine. Fucking he'll you need to sort out your priorities.

I never said it was wrong and I’m done with this stupid conversation

Sorry.

Bisexuality is deviant and a choice but cheating is fine.

You are not someone who should be giving anyone advice re sexual morality.

I've been through a similar experience, I would leave now if I were you tbh.

What ever

Firstly, I'm sorry. I know this is a hard situation to be in. Yes it's easy for us all to tell you that you did a silly thing but we know you know that. Your body is telling you that. The thing that also concerns me is this comment about him saying it was 'bound to happen'. I think (only assumption as I don't know him) but that sounds like a very toxic man. Someone who thrives in drama and destruction.

It's totally up to you if you want to tell your husband. If you believe he's the one for you, if you truly truly regret it and want to work on making it up to your husband by being completely loyal for the rest of your life and him never finding out, then that's your prerogative. However, this other man, I have a very big feeling he won't be as discreet as you're hoping for. So this brings forward another dilemma for you, what are you going to do if your husband finds out through him? He may have told colleagues, friends, there's always a way. Truth tends to always come out Nomatter how much you try to hide it. Do you want this to be a secret that you're constantly in fear of being revealed? That in itself can destroy a person. That in itself can destroy a relationship.

While your husband is away you need to take these days to flip the script. If it was your husband, would you want him to tell you? Would you forgive him? Would you be able to get over the thoughts and images of him with another women? What would you want if it was him?

Only you can make this choice. It's a hard one and a scary one but only you can know what's right. Until you've figured it out though, please don't try for a baby.

Take a step back, breathe and really really think. Panicking doesn't help in these situations, you need a clear mind. I think people suggesting calling Samaritans are very clever. Speak to someone and get input from sources that can help you moving forward.

Good luck op

The OP has been waiting for his chance and eventually he got what he’d always wanted. You confided in him about being unhappy about the lack of affection/intimacy in your marriage and he abused that trust. I wouldn’t be surprised if this OP has cheated on his wife before. Without going into boring details my wife did the same to me (but not for the same reasons as you) She confided in a work colleague who she liked and trusted when we were going through a bad patch.
I forgave her because we had 3 children under 10 years old. Unfortunately the trust I had built up with her over the years was destroyed through that one indiscretion and found it difficult to trust her again and we divorced a few years later which although was a difficult period in my life I’m far happier now.
My advice is you have to be completely honest with your DH even though it’s going to hard to have to admit what you’ve done. It’s his decision whether he feels there’s still a future for you both together. If you do stay together but the your DH still cannot give you the love and affection you need then it’s time to walk away
It’s easy to say but don’t be afraid of the future if your DH cannot forgive you.
The important thing is to learn from all this and never be tempted to stray again. If a relationship is struggling communication is the key, not warming the bed for another guy. I hope you’ll post on here and let people know whether your marriage survives or not

the more I read, the more it appears the OP knew exactly what she was doing.

Does anyone else for a moment believe that if she was on another work night out with this guy again, that the same thing wouldn't happen?! Of course it would!

Cannksy says, "what led her to this point", maybe telling the guy she wasn't getting laid?

The guilt is making her sick, so personally I think not.

Oh please, with this guy's overwhelming pheromones and her animal attraction to him, added in with some alcohol, I'm sure any lingering feelings of guilt would be easily overcome.

This happens all the time with workplace affairs.

I have an idea how it could all have been avoided, by not shagging that guy!
Alcoho lhad nothing to do with it, it's just an excuse.

@AintNoSenseInLove don't you think it's a two way thing- that OP was also wating for a chance to shag the animal pheromone producing guy, who she felt attracted to for some time and conveninently confided in him to show how unhappy she was? Of course that was an opening she did and he used that. If two people are on fire to have sex together, not sure we can talk about any abuse here.

I don’t drink and have been drunk just a couple of times in my whole life when my behaviour became wild (in a silly way) but very innocent - but I was very young. So can someone please enlighten me:: when you are drunk do you completely lose control and lose the capacity to make decisions? If so people could justify drunken assaults and killings etc.

inthink I have changed my mind. You have to tell your husband. And you need help.

No you don't. Many people get drunk and manage not to cheat.

I have an idea how it could all have been avoided, by not shagging that guy!

Whoa, ya think?

But she did. And it doesn't look like the kind of experience she would fancy repeating.

I think people do give in to temptation. They shouldn’t but we are all human.

Where this is different (and it mostly is) is that in the original post there is a lot of excuse making and even the suggestion of contacting the person she slept with to ‘talk it through’.

I think that when it is a one off, the person shuts up about it, blocks the other person, tells no one and gets on with their life and pays the price of carrying their guilt alone (and moved job if necessary),

Posts on here about how the attraction is ‘off the scale’ etc etc is just another form of mentionitis which, for obvious reasons, cannot be done with friends.

But the OP is long gone. My bet is that she has been in touch with the OM and arranged a meet up, or has already met again.

But the OP is long gone. My bet is that she has been in touch with the OM and arranged a meet up, or has already met again.

I did wonder why OP wanted to make contact again if it was "something terrible" and can only come up with they wondered if there was more to it and either wanted a repeat or wants to know if there's a chance of a full blown relationship before ending her marriage.

You were drunk. You liked this guy and had a random chatty relationship with him. He obviously liked/was attracted to you for quite sometime. You are not getting your sexual needs fulfilled at home despite your love for your husband.
You were tempted he is a dog and the rest is history.
Don't let this one drunken night ruin the rest of your life. Your OH is on a boys holiday heaven knows what they might get up to. Calm down and put it behind you.