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Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 10/09/2023 13:24

I have been cheated on, but honestly I would say don't tell your husband. He will be so incredibly hurt. I would speak to the Samaritans or a counsellor and I would definitely get a STI test even though you used protection. Don't offload this onto your husband, thinking it will relieve your guilt.

Catsafterme · 10/09/2023 13:27

If I was your husband it would hurt but I would like to know the truth. It would be way worse finding out some other way down the line and it had been kept a secret. Not only that it will eat you alive.

I would find it incredibly hard as I don't agree with cheating but I would appreciate the honesty which may weigh into it.

rileynexttime · 10/09/2023 13:28

You got drunk and did something you regret terribly
You haven't murdered someone.
Put it behind you try and move forward.
And forgive yourself . You're human, humans mess up .

Lastchancechica · 10/09/2023 13:33

I would see a counsellor and I would dissect your whole marriage, your feelings towards the other man. Why it happened, before you do anything else. You need to be clear in your own mind.

I have had the electric sexual attraction experience a few times. Inc with my dh. Since being married I keep myself well away from anyone that activates that feeling, I think you need to know why you didn’t do that this time. If you still want to connect with OM then that also speaks volumes. That the connection goes maybe beyond a one night stand.

Stifado · 10/09/2023 13:33

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AmazingSnakeHead · 10/09/2023 13:34

I don't know what I would do if I were you, but I think you need to tell your husband. He deserves to know and deserves the choice about what to do and whether to have a child with you.

dottiedodah · 10/09/2023 13:35

You say that you have a strong physical attraction to this man.Do you find your DH physically attractive? You say you are emotionally connected ,but is that enough do you think.Often Affairs are a symptom of an underlying problem ,you are not a bad person but you need to be honest with yourself .If you stay married will you be discontented ?

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 13:35

Change jobs and find a good psychotherapist. This has obviously been simmering for a while, you knew he was attracted to you. Work out why you did it. Validation maybe? He sounds very cocky “it was bound to happen”?? No, it really wasn’t! Being married doesn’t mean that you no longer find other people attractive, it means, or should mean, that you don’t act on that attraction.
As for whether or not you should tell your DH…..if your DH had done this to you, what would you truly and honesty want him to do?

Ladybug14 · 10/09/2023 13:35

It really really really really bothers me that you thought about reaching out to the OM

I'm way older than you and imo this is a massive red flag ...... MASSIVE

You haven't killed anyone and what you did was utterly stupid but not the end of the world. We've all done stupid things

You used protection. There is no need to tell your partner BUT you considered reaching out to the OM

I think, once all this has died down, you'll sleep with OM again

So I DO think, considering everything, that you SHOULD tell your partner that you've slept with the OM.

Why? Because I think he deserves the opportunity to escape

Canisaysomething · 10/09/2023 13:35

What do you want the outcome to be? If it's to break up with DH then tell him, if you've realised it was a massive mistake and DH is the man for you then don't tell him. You've already been selfish, telling him isn't going to change that.

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 13:36

If you want your marriage to survive don't tell your dh. It's too risky.

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 13:36

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:14

OM very unlikely to tell anyone else, he’s also in a relationship and is also not the type. I think the posts here have very strongly convinced me that I should not contact him so I will not

Why would you have even considered it? You’ve cheated on your husband already, why compound it by seeking solace with the man you slept with?

whyisitallsohard · 10/09/2023 13:37

Please get an sexual check and sti check and make sure you dont have any sti which can then be passed to your husband, because he will find out that way.

caerdydd12 · 10/09/2023 13:38

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 13:36

If you want your marriage to survive don't tell your dh. It's too risky.

If you want your marriage to survive you don't sleep with another man. At this point her husband deserves the truth and whatever his decision about staying/leaving that's something the OP will just have to live with.

ElleLeopine · 10/09/2023 13:38

You've already done it, and can't undo it or forget about it. Do you think that you can carry on with day to day life with your husband, whilst knowing what you have done?
The only way to go forward in a way that is true to yourself and will be able to live with is to come clean.
It would be so much worse if he found out from someone else.

GLORIAGloriarse · 10/09/2023 13:40

OM sounds a creep, telling you this was inevitable and laying it on that thick when in a relationship and you had knocked him back. Not that you are blameless but I don't think he would be a wise person to confide in at all even if not only for who he was.

As per DH- how do you actually feel about him and your marriage if you have such strong attraction elsewhere and have been considering contacting the OM? That point is looking for an affair, not a one off mistake. You may be able to answer this yourself or may benefit from therapy but why are you seeking an affair? Have you considered looking for a new job even?

After one year of marriage (I know you were together longer), cheating with a known party you have feelings for is really not 'shut up and don't destroy the marriage' territory which it may be if it was a long time and a genuine drunk mistake with no preamble. I think you need to really think through what you want and be honest with yourself and DH. Don't just keep quiet and try to fix this inwardly by starting TTC.

zeibesaffron · 10/09/2023 13:40

I am in the minority I think, but I would try and get some counselling/ emotional support this week from a professional- and take some time to calm down, think and breathe! I probably wouldn’t tell your DH I have not been in this position myself but you are already in a massive amount of distress, and if you totally believe this is a lesson learnt - and it will never happen again - keep this to yourself this time.
You did however do this for a reason I think that if people are happy in a relationship and all is well - emotionally as well as other the other stuff - its less likely they will stray - even with a good offer! So you need to look at this and do everything you can to not make this awful mistake again.
I would also start looking for another job! I am very sure this OM has probably used the same ‘lines’ on other women too! So get yourself checked out if there is any chance the protection used could have failed.

reallyunderstandsometimes · 10/09/2023 13:42

Can you move job?

So don't tell a soul, don't contact the other man, deep breaths.

But be very self aware as guilt can make you feel quite sick, it's a very odd emotion, so talking it through knowing someone else knows will help you.

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:43

Caveat that nothing I’m about to say I’m using as an excuse for what I did. But DH and I don’t have sex often, not never but not often. Maybe once every 6 weeks. I’d like to have it more and have raised that with him a few times. It also often feels to me like he sometimes sees it as a chore. this is probably one of the reasons over the past years I’ve flirted with OM from time to time, it made me feel attractive and wanted. I never thought or wanted for it to go this far though ever.

I didn’t think sex was that important to me and I’m aware that in all long term relationships sex dies down

OP posts:
Dropthedonkey · 10/09/2023 13:44

He sounds like a douche though - she "resisted" the temptation, was "extremely drunk" and eventually "gave in".
Any gentleman would have put her in a taxi no cheated on his wife and imploding his colleague's life like that.

Ladybug14 · 10/09/2023 13:46

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:43

Caveat that nothing I’m about to say I’m using as an excuse for what I did. But DH and I don’t have sex often, not never but not often. Maybe once every 6 weeks. I’d like to have it more and have raised that with him a few times. It also often feels to me like he sometimes sees it as a chore. this is probably one of the reasons over the past years I’ve flirted with OM from time to time, it made me feel attractive and wanted. I never thought or wanted for it to go this far though ever.

I didn’t think sex was that important to me and I’m aware that in all long term relationships sex dies down

Interesting. This opens up a whole new topic

You definitely need counselling. Couples and alone imo

I think you MUST tell your partner about OM because if he wants the marriage to work, after hearing your news, he needs to have help to work out more about sex and his relationship

IncompleteSenten · 10/09/2023 13:46

If you have any respect at all for your husband you will tell him that you betrayed him. He has the right to make an informed decision about the future of your relationship. You don't get to see yourself as a victim here.

gamerchick · 10/09/2023 13:47

How drunk were you? The fact he used a condom says he wasn't as drunk as you. We're you sober enough to consent or did he take advantage?

I wouldn't say anything. I would confront the issues in your relationship though. You have unmet needs and they need to be dealt with before you start to pop out kids is this marriage going to be enough for the long haul?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 13:50

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 13:43

Caveat that nothing I’m about to say I’m using as an excuse for what I did. But DH and I don’t have sex often, not never but not often. Maybe once every 6 weeks. I’d like to have it more and have raised that with him a few times. It also often feels to me like he sometimes sees it as a chore. this is probably one of the reasons over the past years I’ve flirted with OM from time to time, it made me feel attractive and wanted. I never thought or wanted for it to go this far though ever.

I didn’t think sex was that important to me and I’m aware that in all long term relationships sex dies down

Why does he not want sex more often? It is really quite infrequent sex in a relatively new marriage. Maybe things aren’t as great in your marriage as you thought?

Stay away from the OM and stay away from alcohol at work events as I bet you wouldn’t have done it sober

saxamaxa · 10/09/2023 13:50

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