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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 01:22

OLD THREAD

@neilyoungismyhero

Did you realise this thread is from September?

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 01:37

PenguinPete · 10/09/2023 14:11

Did you orgasm? Was it really really good sex or shit? As a man, this would make things worse imo. It would make me feel as If I've failed and another man gave you the pound of your life. Please consider this when you formulate the next steps. You need to be honest with yourself and with your husband.
Not that it particularly matters. You did a disgusting thing.

The guilt might be punishment enough. Personally if your relationship with your husband is as strong as you say, it may be worth sitting him down BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN and letting him know. Apologise. Tell him you'll find a new job and you'll do anything it takes to prove that this was a big big mistake. Tell him that you love him more than life itself, and that you are ridden with guilt.

People don't like suggesting this, but maybe suggest he gets a night of freedom. He might not go through with it. But if he does, let him enjoy it and you can both drop your guilt.
Who knows, maybe it'll be a positive and a kinky start to a new sex life for the two of you. Does he enjoy being cucked? Believe it or not many people do... but that's consensual.

You need to be honest with yourself and your husband. You need to give him permission to be mad at you and leave if he wants too.

Maybe write a letter and leave it in the home for him to find, while you stay at your mother's or something. Make it incredibly clear that's where you are. Post new photos of you doing stuff with your parents. He will want to know you're actually where you say you are.

You've fucked up OP. You've dug your own grave. The only hope now is he either forgives you, accepts a night on the town, or he finds it kinky.

But whatever you do. DO NOT TELL HIM WHO IT WAS.

You'll cause even more problems.

Ugh, do we really have to put up with this?!

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 01:53

Gah, it's a zombie 😡

nc43214321 · 22/12/2023 20:48

I did a similar thing a long long time ago. Looking back, I know my marriage was crap and I did nothing about it mainly because my husband at the time just ultimately didn't give a shit about me and I was young and didn't know how to handle it. I slept with some else as I missed being wanted and enjoyed the attention. EX husband just went out with the lads/ lads holidays not caring about how I felt or my needs. He ended up having an affair and leaving. So I would strongly advise that whilst he's away really think if you want to be in this marriage.

Wantosleep39 · 26/12/2023 21:36

OP please come back and tell us if you are ok

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