Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

But maybe OP's DH isn't from Eastenders, so it might not be the shitstorm that you envisage...

@PenguinPete
Not sure what you mean?

Practicalities first @branchscreen

1. Std test*
2. Pregnancy test/map

*Hopefully you haven't slept with your partner since sleeping with this OM? Either way STD test very important.

I guess the results of the above will drive your next actions.

You aren't happy with your sex life with your DH.

You've an incredible sexual chemistry with OM.

You slept with OM.

Any one of these would be sufficient to consider the future of your marriage. I think you need to get some counselling. Quickly.

Maybe they are possibly thinking about what it would mean for their own marriages? I would absolutely want to know if my husband had a one night stand because I would want to end it and I would be even more furious if it was kept from me and I was living what would feel like a lie for months or even years.

Oh come on. You deliberately lied to your husband because he was going on a ‘boys holiday’ and you didn’t want him to spend the week getting over you.

How’s your reputation at work after your actions on Wednesday?

What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. Don't tell him. Talk to a councilor if you need someone to talk to about it. People make mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it too much.

Please please op ignore the moral puritans on here saying that "lying" by not telling your husband is as bad as, if not worse than, the once-off and highly regretted drunken infidelity. This post in particular is, in my opinion, melodramatic nonsense.

"If you don't tell him, every part of your relationship from now on is based on a massive lie".
🙄

The urge to confess is a natural response to feelings of guilt and shame. But ultimately it's a selfish urge, driven by a subconscious need to be punished in order to purge your guilt. All you would be doing is unloading the burden from yourself and onto your husband, you would destroy his peace of mind and both of you could potentially lose what sounds like a lovely relationship, all over a silly mistake. Telling him serves no good purpose whatsoever.

You already feel guilty, you are sorry and you wish it never happened, you have no intention of repeating the mistake. As someone up-thread said, you haven't killed anyone. You are no different to anyone else - we are all only human, we all make mistakes.

If, after reading some supporting messages on this thread, you are still feeling so devastated, I would urge you to seek some private counseling to help you work through your feelings of guilt and regret and to help you move on and forgive yourself.

Btw I would give the same advice to a man who found himself in the this situation and was feeling as guilty and regretful.

Best of luck OP

Why? It’s pretty common with the type of man who is confused about his sexuality to get married but not make a huge effort in the bedroom with his wife as he’s not really sexually attracted to her.

In some cases, the children have grown up and left home before the man admits it was a sham marriage and he’s more interested in other men or wearing women’s clothes etc. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have been in your situation in regard living in a ‘sexless’ marriage. It really messes with your head, especially if you want more intimacy, or to feel desired. It is a big deal, but not a dealbreaker, at least for me. Sex in my relationship has been very infrequent since the early days, but it’s workable, we’ve been married for 20 years next year. You so get used to the lack of sex, and it is by no means unique. Plenty of relationships still flourish with little sex.

As for the ONS, I’d strongly suggest you keep that to yourself. Telling your DH serves no purpose than to relieve yourself of the emotional burden. It really isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, so don’t beat yourself up too much. You’ve learned some tough lessons. I’ve been on both ends of infidelity and survived both. Like you, long before it happened, I knew I wouldn’t end my relationship for a ONS, or similar. In my view, people attach too much meaning to sex, but the real issue for me would be the betrayal of emotional attachment and lust requires little other than base desires. Take care of yourself, you are not a bad person, by a very long stretch.

It’s done , if it was the other way, ask yourself would you want to know?

Secondly this person has ‘charmed’ you into bed, you went willing all in the same night. If you were actually happy in your marriage a few words whispered and instantly in a night you slept with him. I would ask yourself whether you’re actually happy in your marriage.

I’ve been in a similar position before, OP. In a previous relationship (years ago) I got extremely drunk and slept with someone else. What I couldn’t see then, or rather knew but didn’t want to accept, was that the relationship I was in wasn’t right but I wasn’t brave enough to face up to it and end things. I’m absolutely not saying this is the case for you too but please take a step back and think about it.

If you are sure your relationship with your husband is the right one, you need to address why this happened to make
sure it doesn’t happen again. If you tell him then you risk your marriage ending but by not telling him you are tipping the relationship on its axis massively by keeping this huge secret he doesn’t know about. Either way isn’t an attractive prospect, I know. Good luck, OP.

On what basis do you say that? And dont say all men cheat but they really dont. Also boys weekend doesnt mean getting their rocks off with other ladies.

@SouthLondonMum22
This is why I said she should tell him. to give him the opportunity to fix this marriage if that's what they both want.
It does not, on the other hand, mean that it can't be fixed.
Many marriages and relationships continue after affairs.

@rob38

What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him

So, do what you like, as long as you keep quiet about it? Is that how you think healthy marriages work?

This thread is incredible. So many people think it's ok to lie to your partner about something that would really matter to them. I wonder what people think honesty is, and whether they value it at all.

"What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him" - really?

We have instinct built into us a humans. Believe me, he will know something is wrong at some point after seven years together. And it's that unknown that actually hurts people far more than knowing the truth.

Deceit is a terrible trait.

This was not you getting blind drunk, blacking out and behaving completely out of character, in which case, I'd say don't tell him. Make amends. Stop drinking.

However, this was not an isolated incident. This was planned by both of you. The alcohol was incidental. You turned a flirtation into a possibility and then transgressed into infidelity. You had years to stop it, but you and the OM manoueuvred yourself into this position. Sex might have happened only once, but the disloyalty lasted for years.

I feel that your husband deserves to know, so he can make an informed choice as to whether he wants to stay married to someone who doesn't have his back.

What the fuck, all these people saying don't tell your husband, would you be happy knowing your partner slept with someone else but didn't tell you?
My worst fear is my husband cheating and not knowing about it, the fact that you can physically have sex with someone else speaks volumes and you need to leave for the other person's sake not yours.
How selfish.

What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.

Tell him that when he catches an STI.

I’d rather not know

You can't say that with any certainty at all. You're incredibly biased now; which is why you'll be automatically drawn to all the posts that tell you not to tell him.

I'll say that I'd rather my DH didn't cheat on me; but if he did, the lying afterwards would be the nail in our coffin. I would not want to build a life with someone who could lie to me that easily. Our emotional connection would be gone in a second as soon as I found out, regardless of how long ago it was.

You have issues with your DH. You can try to paint over them; and say that this is one bad night, but you admit that you've been flirting with the OM, so this has been growing. Then you got drunk and had sex with him. There's an element of premeditation there, however you paint it. Flirting with danger, if you will.

People are right that perhaps your DH will decide that he doesn't want to be married to you; or that he can never trust you again, but those are valid responses to what you've done, and they aren't likely to be better if he finds out down the line. And these things have a habit of coming out somehow.

You have to make a call here but not telling him builds a house of lies. It could fall down at any moment. The only "get out of jail free" card here is telling him and him saying he's willing to try again. Anything else is hugely risky; and it'll be difficult to convince him that you weren't just continuing to prioritise yourself if he found out.

What the fuck, all these people saying don't tell your husband, would you be happy knowing your partner slept with someone else but didn't tell you

Exactly. Fucking sexist bullshit.

@Donttellhim

It really isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, so don’t beat yourself up too much

But if it's not that big a deal, she can tell her husband and that's what he'll say, right? Otherwise, it is a big deal, to him. This 'It's not really a problem' mindset doesn't logically make sense. Either it's a big deal, so it needs to be out in the open, or it's not a big deal, so OP might as well tell her husband. Either way, she tells him.

Same with me. I blacked out drunk and woke up in bed with someone. I was so devastated and ashamed at the time but looking back my relationship was tearing me up inside. It continued for a few more months then I walked away and I’m better for it

Op. I think you should picture the shoe on other foot for a moment. Would you be understanding of your husband if he got drunk and slept with a colleague? Could you be sure you'd be able to work it out. You sound incredibly remorseful, I'd be inclined to only tell him if you're sure you and him can work through it.

Many don't as well but you are right, it is of course possible to move on from.

I agree that the ball should be in his court and not giving him that option to someone you are supposed to love after already betraying their trust is awful.