Is this a normal thing to do?

[Fofum]

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

But if he wanted to be with her and not me, wouldn’t he just do that?

He may eventually do just that. He and OW are currently investing in each other, so he’ll want to see how it goes. He is enjoying a dual life: a friendship/co-parenting relationship with you and a developing romantic relationship with her. His agenda is segueing OW into your home so they can grow their connection. A non-monogamous scenario by stealth.

…she loves him wanting to work together…

Yes, we saw this coming. Kudos for putting your foot down. You’d be very foolish to allow it. It’s telling that he’s willing to humiliate you by bringing in his crush.

Long-term, though, the relationship you have together isn’t sustainable. He’s already investing in infidelity. @Fofum, don’t you deserve better than this?

I don't think I realised it was. Am I being really naive to think that if he wanted to be with her he would. She's been in his live for a few years so if it was going to happen wouldn't it already?

He said in the past when I've questioned him that she's encouraged him to work on our relationship so I said does that mean he's opened up to her about us and he says yes.

I didn't hear her agree, just that she loves he wants that and when I snapped her said he didn't see the difference between this and him going out for dinner with her next week. I'm not happy with that either but it's in public and I trust he loves our daughter more than to ruin her life

I’m so sorry OP you’re going through this.

Whenever you start to doubt yourself about their relationship just think to yourself ‘would he be doing this with a male friend?’ e.g my own DP wouldn’t be up late at night texting a lad most evenings and chatting on the phone and making him a makeshift desk and going for meals etc. individually he may do it as in, go for a meal and catch up with one of his mates. But he wouldn’t also be let night texting that same friend regularly if you get me.

I don’t know any platonic friendships between a man and woman that are this intense. Because they’re not. Not unless:

1. they are related.
2. one is going through a short term crisis e.g cancer diagnosis, house fire etc.
3. They are in the beginning stages of dating.

He may not have left you for her, because she doesn’t want him too? Most men don’t leave a stable relationship and home without another woman waiting with open arms. Id she’s encouraging him to work on your relationship then she may not want him like that, or she could be aware that if she encourages him then she’s committed herself to an entanglement/love triangle. She may like him, but not enough for her to enter into such a situation.

Either way, you shouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

On a slightly different note, you say your relationship is good/functional but not romantically passionate. Can this be sustained from his side long term? This female friend may brush him off, but the next woman may not. If he is aware of the lack of sexual spark between you both, and craves it, then sooner or later he will find it. You can’t spend your life looking over your shoulder.

I heard him on the phone to her last night and could hear her side a bit saying she loves him wanting to work together and him telling her he's made a makeshift desk for her at the end of his so I snapped and told him it's not happening. We argued as he says he doesn't get it and she's already told her employer. I think it was the word love that made me snap.

OP, you have to wake up. This is, at the very least, an emotional affair, and you're under-reacting. My advice would be to give him a choice: cut off contact with this woman, or you end the marriage. At the very least insist on couples counselling because there's no way any decent therapist would be fooled by his ridiculous excuses and justifications.

This thread still running.. like you should OP .. for the hills. You’ll have a lifetime of misery with him.

How are things, OP? Did it happen?
I don't often think about threads after they have run their course but this one stuck with me.
Hope you are ok.