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Original poster

Is this a normal thing to do?

181 replies

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

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OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/09/2023 08:51

He misses her?

He wants to spend time with her under your nose.

Find some respect for yourself and leave him to her.

He's making a fool out of you.

Outdamnspot23 · 07/09/2023 10:06

I miss some of my colleagues too but I’ll be buggered if I want to have them round to work at my house for days every week. If I announced to my husband that I’d be having a one time male colleague round to the spare bedroom with me for days a week he’d certainly raise an eyebrow and he’s the most relaxed of men. This IS fishy OP so don’t let him try to “logic” you out of it.

nonmerci99 · 07/09/2023 10:21

So intellectually I don’t think this is weird, in that WFH (have done it since Covid as well) can definitely be isolating and company can be nice. If you’re in the house but doing random stuff and in and out, it’s not quite the same as having another person sharing the 9-5 experience. 1-2 times a week also isn’t that much, so I can see why your partner thought this wasn’t a big deal, since you say you’ve got plenty of space etc.

Emotionally though, if she’s young and attractive I deffo wouldn’t be comfortable with it, but that’s because I’m a bit insecure as a partner. I also wouldn’t want some rando in my house because I’m a very private homebody, so if it were a male former colleague I’d also be anti for those reasons alone. You’ve definitely got every right to nix the arrangement, but the weirdos saying your husband is trying to cheat should be ignored.

Original poster
Fofum · 07/09/2023 20:20

Thanks for the responses. I think it's partly like some of you have said, she's attractive and around his age. She isn't a randomer, I have met her as I insisted on it when they met and he kept mentioning her. Its embarrassing to admit but my not liking it is a lot based on how well they get on. He's never done anything inappropriate in my presence or I would of said something at the time but there's an easiness watching them together that we don't hsve

I asked him how often he plans on having her here and he said she's not actually agreed to it yet

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 08/09/2023 08:08

You seem very diffident about this OP. Aren't you just plain old angry? If you can I would stop rationalising your feelings, work out what they actually are, and just express them as they actually are. It will, I suspect, come out as a furious ultimatum, which I think is what you are feeling. Your DH is exploiting your fear of your own anger, and believes that you will not challenge him. A horrible thing to do, and if you tolerate this, it will get worse.

It is going to be unbearable for you to have this woman in your house. You know it is. Think carefully how you actually feel, and deliver your ultimatum. I have done this, it is exhausting, but I have always got my way. I don't think it is a good sign for your relationship however. He does not care about your feelings. He is gaslighting you about what is 'normal'. It's not normal to ride roughshod over your partner's feelings.

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 08:12

Definitely not, largely as I’d feel uncomfortable in my own home if someone else is there all day a couple of times per week. I get he missed his colleague but I don’t think it’s fair to you, and that would apply to another male too.

Original poster
Fofum · 08/09/2023 13:06

I should say I do have friends here a lot so that's why I feel more uncomfortable with an ultimatum

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 08/09/2023 13:07

Hi OP,
I suspect you would end up feeling like the third wheel in your own house!
Just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable - he should respect that!
Good luck and don't let him bullshit you!

TedMullins · 08/09/2023 14:46

Captainfairylights · 08/09/2023 08:08

You seem very diffident about this OP. Aren't you just plain old angry? If you can I would stop rationalising your feelings, work out what they actually are, and just express them as they actually are. It will, I suspect, come out as a furious ultimatum, which I think is what you are feeling. Your DH is exploiting your fear of your own anger, and believes that you will not challenge him. A horrible thing to do, and if you tolerate this, it will get worse.

It is going to be unbearable for you to have this woman in your house. You know it is. Think carefully how you actually feel, and deliver your ultimatum. I have done this, it is exhausting, but I have always got my way. I don't think it is a good sign for your relationship however. He does not care about your feelings. He is gaslighting you about what is 'normal'. It's not normal to ride roughshod over your partner's feelings.

It’s normal to have friends of both sexes though and to want to spend time with them in your own home. He isn’t saying every day, just once or twice a week. OP has friends over. She has admitted in her previous post that this is purely down to her own insecurities and jealously. If a partner issued me an ultimatum because they couldn’t overcome their own issues I’d tell them where to shove it.

TedMullins · 08/09/2023 14:47

Fofum · 08/09/2023 13:06

I should say I do have friends here a lot so that's why I feel more uncomfortable with an ultimatum

So you’re allowed friends over but he isn’t? Hardly fair is it?

EBearhug · 08/09/2023 15:41

There's a difference between someone coming round for a coffee and someone coming round to work for the day.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 08/09/2023 15:46

I worked in a previous colleagues' house a few days and his wife wasn't impressed, and had a whispery go at him about it out in the hall. Which was awkward.

In hindsight she was a bit right. We got far too close in the months following that.

It's a slightly unusual blurring of norms and it feels like something that friends would do, not just your usual colleagues. Which might fine! But also might not.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 15:48

EBearhug · 08/09/2023 15:41

There's a difference between someone coming round for a coffee and someone coming round to work for the day.

A massive difference.

BeyondMyWits · 08/09/2023 15:51

Ah well, next it will be "you're not happy with her being here, so I'll work over at hers..."...and that will be "your fault"... have heard it before. Usually feel uncomfortable for a reason.

Original poster
Fofum · 08/09/2023 19:46

Exactly, I don't feel I can say it and use that reason when its something I do all the time. I have lots of friends and he has very few so I feel like I'm being hypocritical. We've had 2 conversations in the past about her that I've says I didn't like it. They went to the cinema and I told him that's a date thing to do and not to do it again and his point was why would that bother me if he goes for meals out with her or other activities as he sees it all as the same. I think I'm sensing his closeness to her and that's the discomfort but again, feel hypocritical as he's not actually done anything

OP posts:
TedMullins · 08/09/2023 19:49

Honestly if I was him this baseless jealousy would be seriously offputting. Have you never gone to the cinema with a friend? It’s only a date if the people involved want it to be a date and fancy each other. Location/activity doesn’t automatically make something a date!

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 19:58

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

HI OP
How long has he known this woman and how? Xx

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 08/09/2023 20:01

Ask him how many of his male colleagues has he invited to work at your house? And if he hasn't, why not?

The whole point of WFH is that you get to roll out of bed in your PJs, 5 mins before you start work. If she's going to commute to yours in the morning, she may as well commute to the office.

Original poster
Fofum · 08/09/2023 20:05

I think if I'm being honest that's why it does bother me, because I can see that he is attracted to her and how well they get on and don't like it. But he's not actually done anything disrespectful and she's been here and socialised for my benefit so I could meet her. He did tell me she thought it was odd and made her uncomfortable but did it as he asked. I wasn't happy he told her but if anything was going on, I'd at least think he wouldn't be so obvious or cruel. So km left with this silly feeling

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 08/09/2023 20:06

I work from home to escape colleagues and to be able to just get on with work. Occasionally my male colleague who works in a nearby office pops in for lunch... but it really is a work lunch and I'd feel uncomfortable if he suggested working from my home.

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 20:08

If hes known her for eons thats fine , up to a point. If he hasnt, it a no way are you cray cray!

Original poster
Fofum · 08/09/2023 20:11

About 3 years

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 08/09/2023 20:34

He’s making you feel uncomfortable. Your feelings are perfectly valid. You’re not saying he can’t be friends or that she can’t come to the house. You’re saying ( or you should be) you don’t want her working from your home for hours at a time on x days a week. The fact that you’re uneasy or unable to articulate this to him, and/or he doesn’t care shows how dysfunctional this relationship is.

Please have a look online at the Freedom Programme. It will help you in this relationship or any others going forward.

Original poster
Fofum · 08/09/2023 20:49

I don't know what the freedom program is but he's not controlling in the slightest

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 21:20

Fofum · 08/09/2023 20:11

About 3 years

Then its definitely a big fat no!! Absolutely not. Too close for comfort.

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