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Original poster

Is this a normal thing to do?

181 replies

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

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OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 21:22

Fofum · 08/09/2023 20:49

I don't know what the freedom program is but he's not controlling in the slightest

I work at womens aid and we recommend the freedom programme. Its £12 and well worth it. It teaches you about identifying red flags in relationships and being self aware etc. Xx

Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 07:21

I don't need that but thank you, I don't have issues in my relationship like that if anything people have joked that I'm the one who wears the trousers lol its just this specific issue that I wanted to know if it was just me or not

OP posts:
Billslills · 09/09/2023 07:32

Sorry, but you clearly don’t ‘wear the trousers’ as you’ve expressed to him multiple times that their friendship makes you feel uncomfortable and he now has the cheek to bring her into your family home so they can work together - even though they don’t work together.

Also, it was very disrespectful of him to tell her that it was you who insisted on meeting her.

This is all mind blowing to me.

itsmyp4rty · 09/09/2023 07:44

So first he had mentionitus of her, then they go out for meals and to the cinema, then he says he misses her and now he wants to move her in to work at home with him. Fuck that shit OP.

Tell him you're concerned that he is attracted to her and that he would like more than friendship and you're not comfortable with their friendship being outside work any more and definitely don't want her at your house twice a week.

Biscuitsandpizza · 09/09/2023 08:24

I think there's a big difference in you having your friends round for coffee @Fofum, presumably in the main living areas of your home vs him having a friend over to work in the office, which is actually a bedroom, and therefore away from the living areas.

And when they don't work for the same company, let alone the same team, it's odd - they're working completely independently, not socialising....unless it's actually just an excuse to spend extended periods of time together....

Gwenhwyfar · 09/09/2023 08:55

Fofum · 06/09/2023 19:22

I think because if you're working your working. He doesn't ask me to come and sit looking at him while he works lol

Plenty of people have jobs with downtime where they can chat with colleagues. I regularly co-work with friends. Even if busy, we can at least chat over lunch.

I get that it might be weird if you think he fancies her, but I don't understand people who think it's weird to invite ANYONE over to work from home. People go to co-working spaces for exactly this.

Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:01

Biscuitsandpizza · 09/09/2023 08:24

I think there's a big difference in you having your friends round for coffee @Fofum, presumably in the main living areas of your home vs him having a friend over to work in the office, which is actually a bedroom, and therefore away from the living areas.

And when they don't work for the same company, let alone the same team, it's odd - they're working completely independently, not socialising....unless it's actually just an excuse to spend extended periods of time together....

I think the end bit is my concern, that it's only an excuse to spend time together because I cannot see what other reason there is?

With respect to those saying I don't wear the trousers though that was tongue in cheek, this is only a tiny snapshot of my relationship described on here. He goes along with whatever I say 95% of the time and I make most big decisions so I'm not some doormat that's walked over. I feel so weird about this because I do have lots of people over, like hosting and he doesn't so I've encouraged him to make more friends as his friends are just mine. But now I've got myself I a situation that I don't like. I dud bring it up again and he said he doesn't understand the big deal (our spare bedroom is downstairs), he gets very little free time as I arrange lots so why do I have a problem with him seeing his friend in what little time that he has

OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:03

itsmyp4rty · 09/09/2023 07:44

So first he had mentionitus of her, then they go out for meals and to the cinema, then he says he misses her and now he wants to move her in to work at home with him. Fuck that shit OP.

Tell him you're concerned that he is attracted to her and that he would like more than friendship and you're not comfortable with their friendship being outside work any more and definitely don't want her at your house twice a week.

They don't work together, so there would be no friendship outside of work. They've just been friends

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 09/09/2023 09:08

I don't know any woman who would be happy with this.

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:09

Fofum · 06/09/2023 23:22

Sorry its not 5 days a week its once or twice a week but still. I don't know why he wants to spend 12 hours a week with her

It can be easier to work f 2 f on some projects

Which is why some people prefer working at the office because its easier to bounce ideas than on Teams

  1. Why don't they work at the office for those 12 hours?
  1. Why her? Is there no one else (male/older female) in the team who he can work with?
  1. If you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason why is he ignoring your feelings?
OrlandointheWilderness · 09/09/2023 09:09

Hopefully she will think this is crossing a line and refuse anyway. He isn't listening to you OP, you've mentioned a couple of times it makes you uncomfortable (it would me). It's intrusive and crossing boundaries.

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:11

Sorry?

They dont work together at the same company?

What the fuck?

Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:14

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/09/2023 09:09

Hopefully she will think this is crossing a line and refuse anyway. He isn't listening to you OP, you've mentioned a couple of times it makes you uncomfortable (it would me). It's intrusive and crossing boundaries.

Yes maybe. He did say she hadn't agreed yet

Lou, they don't work for the same company or do the same thing so it's not a colleague thing

He isn't being horrible or dismissive when I've said it, it's like he genuinely doesn't see the difference in what I do with my social activities, he sees this as the same

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:18

""He isn't being horrible or dismissive when I've said it, it's like he genuinely doesn't see the difference in what I do with my social activities, he sees this as the same""

It isnt the same at all and I'll wager that he knows that, but is playing it this way to gaslight you

I'm afraid I wouldn't put up with his shit but if you don't want to rock the boat, then I guess you will

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 09:19

Circumferences · 07/09/2023 05:19

One of his reasons is that "he misses her"??
Fuck that shit.
Let him have her. I'd be out the fucking door.

Totally agree. So would I, and never look back.

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 09:21

Nobody would be okay with this situation in your shoes. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you because he's infatuated with this woman. Even if nothing has happened, he'd like it to.

I'm not sure how your relationship can recover from this, OP. I would be very, very unhappy in your shoes.

Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:23

We have a 3 year old daughter so it's not as straightforward as that. I think it's a bit dramatic to leave an otherwise good relationship because of this one issue

I think the majority wouldn't be comfortable with it and that's made me feel better so thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:26

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 09:21

Nobody would be okay with this situation in your shoes. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you because he's infatuated with this woman. Even if nothing has happened, he'd like it to.

I'm not sure how your relationship can recover from this, OP. I would be very, very unhappy in your shoes.

If that's true then I don't know if he's in denial himself because he repeats that they are just friends in the times I've brought it up

Thanks all

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:29

Fofum · 09/09/2023 09:23

We have a 3 year old daughter so it's not as straightforward as that. I think it's a bit dramatic to leave an otherwise good relationship because of this one issue

I think the majority wouldn't be comfortable with it and that's made me feel better so thank you

Well.....it really does depend on how far he's going to take this crush/emotional affair , doesn't it?

If he's just going to drool and moon over her as she busily types away on her Mac.....is that OK?

If he thinks about her during sex with you....is that OK?

If they have some fumblings and snogging during said busy typing time....is that OK?

If they have sex??.....

I've never ever heard of a partner inviting his crush/emotional affair into the home where his wife and child live ..... but perhaps in some homes this is perfectly normal ???

Colourfulponderings · 09/09/2023 09:31

I don’t think it’s particularly weird. It’s nice to have company and replicates working in an office without the commute. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:34

Yeah sorry but the majority of you sound utterly bonkers. You’ve made this into a big deal in your head OP because this woman is attractive and you’re jealous. Her being pretty and getting on well with your partner does not mean he has a crush on her. I don’t think it’s weird at all that he wants some company from a person he likes once or twice a week while they both work remotely. It isn’t different from you having your friends round. Either you take him at face value and trust him or continue making your insecurities his problem.

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:36

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:34

Yeah sorry but the majority of you sound utterly bonkers. You’ve made this into a big deal in your head OP because this woman is attractive and you’re jealous. Her being pretty and getting on well with your partner does not mean he has a crush on her. I don’t think it’s weird at all that he wants some company from a person he likes once or twice a week while they both work remotely. It isn’t different from you having your friends round. Either you take him at face value and trust him or continue making your insecurities his problem.

How many 'friends' do you have that you miss so much that you have to move them into your home to look at whilst you work?

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:42

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:36

How many 'friends' do you have that you miss so much that you have to move them into your home to look at whilst you work?

Show quote history

He’s hardly moving her in if it’s a couple of days a week ffs. I have friends that I might miss if I haven’t seen them in a while, and yes, I have worked at other people’s houses before and them at mine

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 09:48

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:34

Yeah sorry but the majority of you sound utterly bonkers. You’ve made this into a big deal in your head OP because this woman is attractive and you’re jealous. Her being pretty and getting on well with your partner does not mean he has a crush on her. I don’t think it’s weird at all that he wants some company from a person he likes once or twice a week while they both work remotely. It isn’t different from you having your friends round. Either you take him at face value and trust him or continue making your insecurities his problem.

Christ, these cool ones stick out like a sore thumb amongst the sensible, head-screwed-on, not being taken for a mug in their actual own home majority.

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