Page 6 | Is this a normal thing to do?

Fofum · 2023-09-06T17:49:01+00:00

Hello My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:47

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:38

How can she know what’s going on in his head though? He says it’s platonic and denies having a crush, without reading his mind how can she prove he’s lying? Either she chooses to believe him or she continues to insist he fancies her which he will presumably keep denying so then they’re at something of an impasse

I hear you, but for me, I'd always go with my gut

Also, as the OP is SO uncomfortable with this potential situation, and i assume doesnt make a habit of being a neurotic jealous loon, I think her partner should acquiesce

Maybe the OP will be kind enough to come back in 12 months and let us know how the friend working situation has panned out, should partner decide NOT to acquiesce?

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:52

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:10

Ok… I would bring friends round, male and female, and would be fine with my partner doing the same, whether or not I was in the house. I just can’t imagine thinking it’s ok to police someone’s friendships, regardless of how long they’ve been going on for. I wouldn’t put up with someone who was jealous or insecure. I’ve left a partner before for that reason and would do it again.

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And that's fine, for you. Not everyone.
Suggesting someone is jealous or insecure because they object is a generalisation.

Id like to see where this goes if the friend who found it uncomfortable to be introduced to his wife (OP) is to work with OP husband at their house...on top of meeting him for cinema dates , meal dates etc.
We should agree to disagree i think.

Yettisrus29 · 09/09/2023 10:55

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:03

They aren't childhood friends, theyve known each other 3 year. Also her OH stated he missed his 'friend'. I don't miss my friends that much and ive known them for eons, male or female and to say you miss her to your OH is just not done... and imho disrespectful . I was in a relationship for 25 year, i wouldn't have had a new male friend over, who doesnt work in my company nor would i have accepted my OH to bring another new friend woman in the house. When OH isnt there especially

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I've been on the receiving end of the jealous partner who hated all my male friends. He kept making little comments whenever I went for drinks with one "are you having an affair with him". I'd known the guy since I was 16. He said he was joking but it just came across as jealous. My best friend(who happens to be male) was actually told "she's mine now and I'll make sure she never sees you again." In the end I was so worn down by the constant jealous digs that those friendships slid.

Thankfully my best friend didn't hold it against me and after getting back in touch some years ago we're as solid as ever.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:55

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:59

If my partner had a problem with me hanging out with friends in any setting they wouldn’t remain my partner for long. That’s one thing I’d never stand for in a relationship. Been there, done that once with an ex who had an issue with most of my colleagues being male.

I’m not convinced he is “mushy”. I don’t think it’s out of order to say you miss and enjoy the company of a friend.

My partner has recently moved into my flat and told me he’s invited a female friend over for dinner soon. By Mumsnet standards I should be kicking off and accusing him of fancying her. Instead I said ok cool and thought no more of it

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Would you be so accommodating if he hadn't moved in with you and it was at his flat without you around at the time? X

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 11:08

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:55

Would you be so accommodating if he hadn't moved in with you and it was at his flat without you around at the time? X

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Yes. He had a female friend stay over once as she was in the city for one night with work.

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 11:08

That was at his old flat before he moved in, I mean

TheWayofBeing · 09/09/2023 11:35

I'm also in South London. That's weird as fuck. I love my colleagues but if we wanted to work together we'd go to the office or a coffee shop.

But then when I work from home I'm in my pants half the time.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 09/09/2023 11:51

I totally missed the fact that they're not even colleagues!?

In that case this is a BATSHIT thing for him to suggest. Hard no!

Original poster

Fofum · 09/09/2023 12:25

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:52

And that's fine, for you. Not everyone.
Suggesting someone is jealous or insecure because they object is a generalisation.

Id like to see where this goes if the friend who found it uncomfortable to be introduced to his wife (OP) is to work with OP husband at their house...on top of meeting him for cinema dates , meal dates etc.
We should agree to disagree i think.

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Sorry I'm skin reading but she didn't find it uncomfortable meeting me, he had told her I insisted on meeting her which I wish he hadn't but she was uncomfortable at that

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2023 13:06

I think all women and girls should do the Freedom Programme regardless of whether or not they rate problems, or indeed regardless of whether or not they are in relationships. Nothing to lose by doing it online

As I said for me it wouldn’t be a goer regardless of the sex of the person. It’s your house to relax/work etc in and that’s compromised in this situation. It’s not the same as inviting friends round in leisure time.

You say he’s not controlling, but he’s pretty much doing what he wants to here. I He knows you don’t want it to happen. He’s messing with your head asking you to justify why not, and suggesting it’s the same as you having pals round in your free time. It’s not, and he is gaslighting you suggesting otherwise. He may not realise, or be planning it but that’s what’s going on. If you just said No to this one thing, and said that’s your final position what would be the outcome. If you don’t want to do this ask yourself why not?

Good relationships are about negotiation, but also about reasonable boundaries.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2023 13:08

Have problems not rate.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/09/2023 13:30

I’m assuming an affair. This is so not normal.

Even if perfectly innocent, I think it would be naive. I wouldn’t want a second woman getting more and more comfortable in my home.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 14:57

Fofum · 09/09/2023 12:25

Sorry I'm skin reading but she didn't find it uncomfortable meeting me, he had told her I insisted on meeting her which I wish he hadn't but she was uncomfortable at that

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If she was a sound woman she would understand that request.

SpamPie · 09/09/2023 15:04

I could understand it if they worked together, but if they don't even work for the same company what is the point?

Original poster

Fofum · 09/09/2023 15:19

Well that's what my point was, I didn't see the point other than to spend time with together

Lou, to be honest I think even I'd feel uncomfortable if it was like I was being taken to show and tell. She wasn't uncomfortable or hostile to me or anything, just looked a bit why am I here

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:42

Fofum · 09/09/2023 15:19

Well that's what my point was, I didn't see the point other than to spend time with together

Lou, to be honest I think even I'd feel uncomfortable if it was like I was being taken to show and tell. She wasn't uncomfortable or hostile to me or anything, just looked a bit why am I here

Ive put myself in that position tbh, met male friends partners so they know its cordial..but ive never gone into their home alone with said male. Id feel uncomfortable.
Everyone's different.
I cant add any more to discussion.
Take care OP

Yettisrus29 · 09/09/2023 15:55

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:42

Ive put myself in that position tbh, met male friends partners so they know its cordial..but ive never gone into their home alone with said male. Id feel uncomfortable.
Everyone's different.
I cant add any more to discussion.
Take care OP

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So you've never gone to a male friends house at all? Where do you see them? .

I always go to my male friends houses why wouldn't I? I'm not going to jump into bed with them, just like I wouldn't with my female friends. We chat, we have coffee or a beer, we talk shit for a few hours then we go our separate ways. I love my friends they're the family I've chosen.

Any woman who is so insecure about a friend needs serious help with their self-esteem and insecurities.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 18:46

Yettisrus29 · 09/09/2023 15:55

So you've never gone to a male friends house at all? Where do you see them? .

I always go to my male friends houses why wouldn't I? I'm not going to jump into bed with them, just like I wouldn't with my female friends. We chat, we have coffee or a beer, we talk shit for a few hours then we go our separate ways. I love my friends they're the family I've chosen.

Any woman who is so insecure about a friend needs serious help with their self-esteem and insecurities.

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No i havent. Its coffee, or a glass wine in the afternoon, walk in park, lunch, library, night classes, meetup groups( I've met ALL my male friends partners/wives if they had have one) and when i was attached they'd meet my OH. Theres many places to meet that's not at home .. i would go to male friends house if his partner was there. Never go out at night OR anything intimate.
That is me. Im not insecure, just aware that i want everyone to be comfortable with me, including friends OH. I find it offensive that because you are fine with having OS friends in your house that anyone else who doesn't is insecure!

TheTrustedOne · 11/09/2023 00:30

I work from home, 100% remote. I find myself missing the social aspect of the office. My wife is a housewife, after retiring at 36. I could see myself doing this, just to have someone else with me in a pseudo working role. It could actually really help. Is your only problem with it because she is female?

MsDogLady · 11/09/2023 07:44

@Fofum, I too would feel uncomfortable. And in my view, this is not akin to your having friends over.

You’ve picked up on verbal and nonverbal cues that indicate your Partner’s attraction to this woman. They have an easy way between themselves that you and P don’t have, and you sense their closeness. They’ve been 1:1 at the cinema, out to eat, and at her home. When you wanted to meet her, he created an awkward dynamic by telling her you’d pushed for it, which embarrassed you. Without consulting you, he has asked her to share space with him in your home office for approximately 12 hours each week, even though they share no work commonalities. Lastly, he acknowledges missing her, which sheds a new light and concern to all of the above.

@Fofum, you’ve told him that you’re uncomfortable and he has dismissed your feelings and boundaries. That speaks volumes. I would put my foot down that this will not be happening in your home. He is attracted to this woman, they share emotional closeness, he misses her, and wants to spend extended hours alone with her under your roof. He’s setting up an ego validation triangle, and I wouldn’t be a part of it. In fact, I’d be moving on and leaving them to it.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 11/09/2023 10:30

TheTrustedOne · 11/09/2023 00:30

I work from home, 100% remote. I find myself missing the social aspect of the office. My wife is a housewife, after retiring at 36. I could see myself doing this, just to have someone else with me in a pseudo working role. It could actually really help. Is your only problem with it because she is female?

So you will be inviting Bob, John and Simon to your house?

Or the young female woman, who doesn't work for your company or do the same job as you, but who you do fancy?

Pandajane · 11/09/2023 14:22

This is a hard no.
This is your home, your private space - by inviting any person into that space on a daily basis for many hours a day, your husband is denying you your privacy - the woman won't just sit in the office the whole time so you'll have to be more careful about how you're dressed and what you're doing. What will they do for lunch/tea breaks - bet she isn't bringing any! No, this is an unacceptable liberty for your husband to take with your private space.
I also think it is extremely unprofessional for your husband to invite a friend who doesn't even work in the same organisation to work in a smallish space with him. He's meant to be working not socialising after all.

Original poster

Fofum · 11/09/2023 21:29

Thank you

I asked him again and he said age still has not said yes, just that it sounds lovely. I don't know if that's a discreet brush off or whether she means it.

I've nit explicitly said no, if I did he wouldn't do it but I don't know why i don't know if part of me is curious to watch what happens and see if I was imagining things. I don't think he'd ever actually cheat on me because of our daughter, he loves her too much to do that

Someone mentioned a bedroom comment, there's a bed in the room but it's a sofa bed

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 12/09/2023 04:49

With respect, you are doing yourself a disservice by underreacting here. It’s best to take action before the horse bolts.

@Fofum, you know what you’ve witnessed. These two are close, share a mutual attraction, and he has been missing her. Affairs begin/escalate via proximity and opportunity, and this would be the perfect storm. If you wait around ‘to watch what happens,’ their emotional intimacy can flourish right under your roof. How will you know what their dynamic is behind the closed spare room door?

You’re fooling yourself that he wouldn’t emotionally or physically cheat because of your daughter. He is already infatuated with this woman and is attempting to act on it.

I believe you are playing with fire and will bitterly regret it.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2023 08:27

What MsDogLady says. A thousand times. Don’t think it’s too obvious, in plain sight affairs are a thing.

Again, you say he’s not controlling and that you” wear the trousers “ but your lack of action here suggests otherwise. If he wouldn’t do it if you said no, why not say no? Problem over. If it’s because you are worried about his reaction/consequences then there are issues within the relationship. Think very carefully.