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Original poster

Is this a normal thing to do?

181 replies

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

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OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 09/09/2023 09:49

Has he even got permission from his employer? Mine would absolutely forbid me to work alongside someone from a different company - it creates way too many potential issues, not least confidentiality, and insurance, and precedent setting.

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:50

Christ. If not batting an eyelid if my partner wants friends round makes me a mug I’ll take that over being insecure and seeing every woman as a threat any day.

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:51

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:42

He’s hardly moving her in if it’s a couple of days a week ffs. I have friends that I might miss if I haven’t seen them in a while, and yes, I have worked at other people’s houses before and them at mine

Show quote history

And your wife/husband/partner had no problem with this?

And you weren't mushy about the person you were working with?

I think you might be comparing apples and stair rods, @TedMullins

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 09:55

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 09:21

Nobody would be okay with this situation in your shoes. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you because he's infatuated with this woman. Even if nothing has happened, he'd like it to.

I'm not sure how your relationship can recover from this, OP. I would be very, very unhappy in your shoes.

^ this
Personally theres no way i would accept it. Would he allow it if it was other way round and you spending time with , in essence, a new male friend you've been out with to cinema/ meal ? I doubt it. They arent childhood friends, its been 3 year. OP i think youll allow it and thats your choice oc. I don't think it will end well. All the best

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:59

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 09:51

And your wife/husband/partner had no problem with this?

And you weren't mushy about the person you were working with?

I think you might be comparing apples and stair rods, @TedMullins

Show quote history

If my partner had a problem with me hanging out with friends in any setting they wouldn’t remain my partner for long. That’s one thing I’d never stand for in a relationship. Been there, done that once with an ex who had an issue with most of my colleagues being male.

I’m not convinced he is “mushy”. I don’t think it’s out of order to say you miss and enjoy the company of a friend.

My partner has recently moved into my flat and told me he’s invited a female friend over for dinner soon. By Mumsnet standards I should be kicking off and accusing him of fancying her. Instead I said ok cool and thought no more of it

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:03

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:34

Yeah sorry but the majority of you sound utterly bonkers. You’ve made this into a big deal in your head OP because this woman is attractive and you’re jealous. Her being pretty and getting on well with your partner does not mean he has a crush on her. I don’t think it’s weird at all that he wants some company from a person he likes once or twice a week while they both work remotely. It isn’t different from you having your friends round. Either you take him at face value and trust him or continue making your insecurities his problem.

They aren't childhood friends, theyve known each other 3 year. Also her OH stated he missed his 'friend'. I don't miss my friends that much and ive known them for eons, male or female and to say you miss her to your OH is just not done... and imho disrespectful . I was in a relationship for 25 year, i wouldn't have had a new male friend over, who doesnt work in my company nor would i have accepted my OH to bring another new friend woman in the house. When OH isnt there especially

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:03

I think you and I live on different planets @TedMullins. However, huge respect to you 👍

Life is all about learning, and I'll take what you say and have a think about it ✨️ 😊

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/09/2023 10:04

If that's true then I don't know if he's in denial himself because he repeats that they are just friends in the times I've brought it up

He's hardly going to say, yes our friendship has moved on and I fancy the pants off her and want to get closer to her, so I have decided I want her to work from our home a few days a week, so we can moon over each other.

You're OK with that aren't you?

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 10:04

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 09:50

Christ. If not batting an eyelid if my partner wants friends round makes me a mug I’ll take that over being insecure and seeing every woman as a threat any day.

But it's not every woman. It's a woman he 'misses' and goes on cinema dates with. A woman who felt 'uncomfortable' on meeting the OP.
And this pair don't even work at the same company or in the same field.
You would have to have a heart of stone to not feel uneasy about his obvious crush being shoehorned into your home without you even being asked.

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:10

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 10:03

They aren't childhood friends, theyve known each other 3 year. Also her OH stated he missed his 'friend'. I don't miss my friends that much and ive known them for eons, male or female and to say you miss her to your OH is just not done... and imho disrespectful . I was in a relationship for 25 year, i wouldn't have had a new male friend over, who doesnt work in my company nor would i have accepted my OH to bring another new friend woman in the house. When OH isnt there especially

Show quote history

Ok… I would bring friends round, male and female, and would be fine with my partner doing the same, whether or not I was in the house. I just can’t imagine thinking it’s ok to police someone’s friendships, regardless of how long they’ve been going on for. I wouldn’t put up with someone who was jealous or insecure. I’ve left a partner before for that reason and would do it again.

AgnesX · 09/09/2023 10:11

No, if he wants to be in an office with other people then he can go his company or rent office space.

I wouldn't be keen to have someone in my home all day, every working day, even if you have a huge house.

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:12

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 10:04

But it's not every woman. It's a woman he 'misses' and goes on cinema dates with. A woman who felt 'uncomfortable' on meeting the OP.
And this pair don't even work at the same company or in the same field.
You would have to have a heart of stone to not feel uneasy about his obvious crush being shoehorned into your home without you even being asked.

Show quote history

Going to the cinema isn’t a date 🙄 have you never been to the cinema with a friend? I don’t think I’ve ever been to the cinema on a date actually, what would be the point, you don’t talk for 2 hours! I’m freelance and many of my other freelance friends don’t work for the same company or in the same field but have met up to chat/have company while we work. Like I said I don’t think missing a friend is a big deal!

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:13

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:03

I think you and I live on different planets @TedMullins. However, huge respect to you 👍

Life is all about learning, and I'll take what you say and have a think about it ✨️ 😊

Fair enough - out of interest what would your reaction be if your partner said he was inviting a female friend over?

readbooksdrinktea · 09/09/2023 10:15

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 19:07

Because your home is not for randomers to use as a work space?

He sounds like a CF.

Yes, this! Wtf. I'd honestly put my foot down. This would not be happening.

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:18

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:13

Fair enough - out of interest what would your reaction be if your partner said he was inviting a female friend over?

Show quote history

I'd have no problem with it and never ever have had a problem with it.

However, if, as the OP suspects, he had a crush on said female friend with mentionitis and some mush thrown in, and wanted her over for 12 hours each week because he 'missed her' and needed to look at her whilst he worked...... I'd rip him a new one.

😎

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 10:22

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 09:48

Christ, these cool ones stick out like a sore thumb amongst the sensible, head-screwed-on, not being taken for a mug in their actual own home majority.

Show quote history

😂

readbooksdrinktea · 09/09/2023 10:24

Circumferences · 07/09/2023 05:19

One of his reasons is that "he misses her"??
Fuck that shit.
Let him have her. I'd be out the fucking door.

Honestly. That would have put me off him so quickly. Going to drinks with a friend and having them at my house several times a week for hours a day is not comparable, and he knows that. He most likely fancies her and wants her close in a way you don't feel you can question because 'they're working'.

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 10:29

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:10

Ok… I would bring friends round, male and female, and would be fine with my partner doing the same, whether or not I was in the house. I just can’t imagine thinking it’s ok to police someone’s friendships, regardless of how long they’ve been going on for. I wouldn’t put up with someone who was jealous or insecure. I’ve left a partner before for that reason and would do it again.

Show quote history

Not wanting a woman working in one of my bedrooms with my partner two days a week is not policing their friendships, for god's sake. Stop being so ridiculous.

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:30

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:18

I'd have no problem with it and never ever have had a problem with it.

However, if, as the OP suspects, he had a crush on said female friend with mentionitis and some mush thrown in, and wanted her over for 12 hours each week because he 'missed her' and needed to look at her whilst he worked...... I'd rip him a new one.

😎

Show quote history

That’s not what’s happening though, that’s a scenario OP has invented in her mind!

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:31

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 10:29

Not wanting a woman working in one of my bedrooms with my partner two days a week is not policing their friendships, for god's sake. Stop being so ridiculous.

Show quote history

What is it then? And it’s not a bedroom, it’s an office. It might have originally been built as a bedroom but unless there’s a bed in there it isn’t a bedroom is it?

Ladybug14 · 09/09/2023 10:32

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:30

That’s not what’s happening though, that’s a scenario OP has invented in her mind!

Show quote history

Are you the OPs partner? If not, how can you know?

Of course you can choose to disbelieve the OP

I choose to believe her

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:38

How can she know what’s going on in his head though? He says it’s platonic and denies having a crush, without reading his mind how can she prove he’s lying? Either she chooses to believe him or she continues to insist he fancies her which he will presumably keep denying so then they’re at something of an impasse

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 10:39

@TedMullins What the OP is describing is a series of red flags. Red flags do not mean there is definitely more to it than her partner is letting on, but they are signals that something may be going on, likely a crush on his part. What you're doing is saying to OP and others that you must trust your partner absolutely, ignore any red flags and her own discomfort. That is not good advice.

billy1966 · 09/09/2023 10:43

@TedMullins having a female friend of your partners over for dinner is in no way comparable to having a person he misses working in your home, sharing a room, several days a week because he misses said person.

A one off normal social gathering does not compare in any way to a regular multiple weekly occurrence in the OP's home.

It is highly likely he does have feelings for her, even if he isn't fully aware of them himself and has even admitted it to himself.

Up to you OP if you want to accept this.

I think you should tell him that he should have her call over after work to hang out but that a shared work space several times a week in your home is not on.

Let them meet for coffee during work hours if he is so desperate to see her.

It really is ok to feel uncomfortable and to decide that this relationship isn't for you.

He misses her and that is not something that a lot of partners would feel comfortable hearing.

He has deep feelings for her, to miss her, IMO.

RenoDakota · 09/09/2023 10:43

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 10:12

Going to the cinema isn’t a date 🙄 have you never been to the cinema with a friend? I don’t think I’ve ever been to the cinema on a date actually, what would be the point, you don’t talk for 2 hours! I’m freelance and many of my other freelance friends don’t work for the same company or in the same field but have met up to chat/have company while we work. Like I said I don’t think missing a friend is a big deal!

Show quote history

Ted, you are clearly very cool and I kind of respect that.
But, to me, this actual situation (not just about female friends generally) is about a lack of consideration for the OP, her feelings and her boundaries re her actual home. I wouldn't want anyone coming over to work in my home without me even being asked, let alone someone who feels 'uncomfortable' around me and who I have already expressed my doubts about anyway.
And I called the cinema thing a date because that is what the OP likened it to.
I have male friends and my partner has female friends but we don't behave like the OP's partner because we have more respect for each other. And don't actually want to spend all day hanging out with our 'friends' when we are supposed to be working.

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