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Original poster

Is this a normal thing to do?

181 replies

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

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OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 08:51

I'm not worried about his reaction. I'd say my worry is more that there's something to worry about like I've thought all along, that he wants her. Me stopping her coming here won't stop that. I think being honest it's that

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 12/09/2023 08:59

baileys6904 · 06/09/2023 20:06

Going against the grain, wouldn't bother me.

Working from home can be isolating and it's easier bouncing off someone.

But any bouncing off someone should really be reserved to your partner, unless previous agreed.

Lennon80 · 12/09/2023 09:05

He misses her? Wtaf!! If you don’t have kids to him I’d be running a mile and fast!

Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 09:25

We do, a 3 year old daughter

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/09/2023 09:33

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2023 08:27

What MsDogLady says. A thousand times. Don’t think it’s too obvious, in plain sight affairs are a thing.

Again, you say he’s not controlling and that you” wear the trousers “ but your lack of action here suggests otherwise. If he wouldn’t do it if you said no, why not say no? Problem over. If it’s because you are worried about his reaction/consequences then there are issues within the relationship. Think very carefully.

I agree and also with @MsDogLady .

That you have a child with him is even worse.

He needs to grow up.

He's undoubtedly got himself a crush.

I think it is very strange that you are pussy footing around this issue.

Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 18:20

I think what I'm pussyfooting around to use your words is that I'm worried that if I say something, everything people are saying could be true. We've not had a romantic relationship almost ever, met online and we just got on, seemed to work and he's a great father and facilitates a lot of what I want to do looking after our daughter. So if he turns and says actually you're right, I'd rather be with her, all of that disappeares

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/09/2023 18:51

So you're worried he really doesn't care for you and so you're not saying anything about this to him?

Not saying anything isn't going to stop him from leaving if he really wants to.

Is she at your house now every working day?

Lennon80 · 12/09/2023 18:54

You need to be checking his phone - my guess is he’s up to no good with her already!

Lennon80 · 12/09/2023 18:57

Burying your head in the sand won’t help in the long run. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? I remember my husband was bringing a woman into my house helping her with her English - he met her on a bus. I realised how uncomfortable I was with it and said stop it - he did but I was in my 20s then - I should have realised then what a red flag that was.

Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 19:46

I'm 39. It's hard to explain. We were never madly in love and I like my life and I don't want anything to change, we still get on though he's described us as more friends than relationship when we've struggled in the past because of how we are together but I'm happy like that, it works, we don't argue. But whenever I've seen them together there's something whether he denies it to himself or not.

I don't want to look at his phone. Well I want to but I don't want to have to be that person, I know they talk most days.

OP posts:
TheGoodBanana · 12/09/2023 19:49

That's very strange behaviour, are you around during their working day or do you work out of the home?

Lennon80 · 12/09/2023 19:55

but why deny yourself a real relationship? I think you know something is going on - but you don’t want to find out and ignorance is bliss but then it’s not as it’s clearly bothering you. I think you deserve more than this living arrangement you have as it sounds like really that’s all it is.

Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 20:01

I'm happy with it, it works for me. I just don't want it not to be enough for him. I glanced at his phone earlier and saw her name and her sending him a fire emoji but I couldn't see the message clearly. I asked him when she was coming and he said she's not agreed to it so maybe I was worrying over nothing wuth this

OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 12/09/2023 20:02

My relationship is real, it's just not been some massive passionate love

OP posts:
smashedbanana · 12/09/2023 20:07

Hopefully she'll say no, he'll take the hint and you can move on for this. If she's not interested that would solve a lot of problems. I understand you don't want to rock the boat when you're generally happy in the relationship and for the sake of your daughter. Tbh as someone who happily works from home I can't imagine her wanting share a space in your home... using your kitchen/loo etc would just be strange I would think?
also, if there was anything to worry about I don't think he'd be so brazen as to suggest it/ have fire emojis from her on display to you etc.
good luck with it all, let us know if there's any progress on her answer x

Original poster
Fofum · 15/09/2023 23:34

Not the same thing but I just rolled over and he's sitting in bed texting her so I asked to see his phone and he showed me and it was just conversation. Which was a relief. But is that something or a red flag, texting her while I'm asleep next to him?

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 16/09/2023 00:08

Yes a massive ted flag. I don't understand why you are unable to say you are unhappy that their are 3 of you in this relationship & you don't like it & want it to stop. I wouldn't want to share my husband with another woman

Kat19899 · 16/09/2023 00:16

One of my friends is very into “body doubling”. If she cannot get a friend to work with her at her or their house she will Zoom them on mute. Some people concentrate better when they’re with another working person, some get lonely and need to see a new face.

He probably hasn’t asked you because you don’t have work to do and so you’d get bored. The only bit that would bother is that it’s in your spare room not an actual home office. Why not find some things you need to do on the computer and go and do them in the room with him? Sounds like he might enjoy the company of you both being quiet together

Kat19899 · 16/09/2023 00:20

Sorry just read your replies and that there are bigger issues in the relationship.

Original poster
Fofum · 16/09/2023 08:23

I'm very social and have lots of friends I talk to so don't know if I'm being paranoid but you say that's a red flag the texting

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 16/09/2023 10:10

@Fofum This is very strange. In my company where thousands and thousands are employed, all working from home half the week, I have never heard of anyone buddying up at home in this way. It sounds like he’s got himself a crush and he’s the one driving this “friendship” given that is clearly his idea to do this. It’s not even based around their jobs if they do different roles, and he’s admitted he misses her. I don’t understand why you are being so passive about it.

MsDogLady · 16/09/2023 18:00

@Fofum, his texting OW at night in bed next to you is absolutely a red flag. It’s one more intimate thing. They are building familiarity, closeness and reliance, even when their messaging is ‘normal’ conversation.

They talk most days and he misses her. You see the spark between them. He has described your relationship as a friendship, and has likely told OW this.

He feels their frisson and has figured out a way to be closer to his crush. He’s trying to normalize this outrageous scenario. By passively allowing it, you’re colluding to provide a time and cozy place for their connection to thrive.

The OW might decide that being together right under your nose is a step too far, and would prefer to see him on dates and at hers, as they have been.

It feels like you’re sleepwalking into an open or polyamorous arrangement.

Original poster
Fofum · 16/09/2023 19:28

But if he wanted to be with her and not me, wouldn't he just do that?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 16/09/2023 22:31

Fofum · 16/09/2023 19:28

But if he wanted to be with her and not me, wouldn't he just do that?

I think men are quite reluctant to jump ship until they're absolutely sure they're getting a better deal. Sorry, OP. I don't think he should be doing this to you.

Original poster
Fofum · 19/09/2023 16:56

I heard him on the phone to her last night and could hear her side a bit saying she loves him wanting to work together and him telling her he's made a makeshift desk for her at the end of his so I snapped and told him it's not happening. We argued as he says he doesn't get it and she's already told her employer. I think it was the word love that made me snap

OP posts:
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