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Original poster

Is this a normal thing to do?

181 replies

Fofum · 06/09/2023 18:49

Hello

My partner works from home since covid and has now invited a female friend to come over and work with him here in our spare bedroom officeI. We're south of London so plenty of spaces to work if it was needed elsewhere. Is this something other people would be comfortable with or is it not normal? I don't know if it's just me and I feel too silly to say it out loud. She has space in her house to work and they don't do the same job or work for the same company, he works in it and she does something with insurance so I'm at a loss as to the point

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OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 06/09/2023 20:09

He just said he asked her to, she's got space at her own house she works in now

I didn't actually say I was uncomfortable, he said it then carried on making dinner and I didn't really feel anything at the time but I think I said that that's weird. He used to work with her for about a month or so when they first met about 3 years ago so. I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Fofum · 06/09/2023 20:09

Bailey, I'm here?

OP posts:
LetMeEnfoldYou · 06/09/2023 20:11

Me and my colleague worked in each others homes when we lost our office space. I'll admit it did bring about a kind of intimacy we didn't have before that.

Dery · 06/09/2023 20:17

As posters observe on here, it’s never their male friends or OAP women they want to do this kind of thing with.

Sharing an office space can really create a degree of intimacy, especially over time. I developed very strong feelings for a colleague I shared an office with for a couple of years. Fortunately, i still loved my partner very much and had no desire to leave him but it was awkward and painful and after 2 years I jumped at the chance to move out of our shared office. My feelings soon calmed down after that and we’re just comfortably friends now.

But no, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/09/2023 20:42

I've worked from home for 10+ years and I'd never do this. Why? Because it's one room that's my office, but the rest of the house is my families home and personal. I'd not want a work colleague in my families personal space.

If they want to work together then they go and rent an office or sit in a cafe

Original poster
Fofum · 06/09/2023 21:07

It's making me feel better that the majority agree it's not normal. I think that he said it so casually made me question that

Ive said to him that I find it weird again and he said why, he misses her enjoys her company and we have the space so if I have no issue with him going out with her every so often what's the issue now and I didn't have anything to say. I don't particularly like him going to hers or put but I've kept that to myself

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/09/2023 21:23

My goodness but he has you right where he wants you.

It is your home and No you don't want someone there 5 days a week.

End of.

Have a hard think about this "relationship" of yours because the dynamics are really off if you can't just say no to someone in your house 5 days a week.

EthicalNonMahogany · 06/09/2023 21:37

Yeah, I think it's less about whether he's having an EA or more, and more about how unreasonable it is to bring a random person to work at your house. One day sure, but not ongoing.

Original poster
Fofum · 06/09/2023 23:22

Sorry its not 5 days a week its once or twice a week but still. I don't know why he wants to spend 12 hours a week with her

OP posts:
Daffodil63 · 07/09/2023 00:40

I think it's nuts absolutely nuts! I don't suppose you could try the same and invite someone over to work with or start "working" at a guys house? See if he's ok with that? Could you speak to the woman? If they were working in the same company I'd understand it a bit more but they don't so it's really really strange behaviour OP

TedMullins · 07/09/2023 02:04

baileys6904 · 06/09/2023 20:06

Going against the grain, wouldn't bother me.

Working from home can be isolating and it's easier bouncing off someone.

Agree with this. I’ve gone to work at friends’ houses before for company and we don’t work at the same place. It’s no different to meeting up in a cafe to work imo. Also I’m not sure what the issue is with him wanting to spend time with a friend in the absence of colleagues. Would it be better/different if they rented a coworking space together?

FictionalCharacter · 07/09/2023 02:06

baileys6904 · 06/09/2023 20:06

Going against the grain, wouldn't bother me.

Working from home can be isolating and it's easier bouncing off someone.

They do different work though and they work for different employers. So it’s not like they can discuss work and share ideas. And he isn’t isolated, his partner is in the house.

@Fofum I think the general discomfort is because it’s not considered usual or ok for a man to be alone for extended periods with a woman who isn’t his wife or partner. And if a man wants to be alone with a woman and they’re not actually working on the same task, it certainly appears that he’s attracted to her and interested in some kind of relationship. Which is often the case.

TedMullins · 07/09/2023 02:13

I think the general discomfort is because it’s not considered usual or ok for a man to be alone for extended periods with a woman who isn’t his wife or partner

says who?

this is going to be one of those threads again isn’t it.

EBearhug · 07/09/2023 02:15

Not normal. Might be understandable if they're collaborating on the same project, but they don't work for the same company. Might be okay if she's having a new bathroom or kitchen fitted or something. But otherwise, if I had a friend close enough to share a space with like that, I would probably want to chat (or something) rather than work.

Sally2791 · 07/09/2023 02:25

Just feels off. I expect she’s not old or unattractive. Does he push other comfort boundaries?

Mrsmulhern · 07/09/2023 02:30

If he was attracted to her, surely it’d be a secret he enjoys her company? Having a friend of the opposite sex isn’t a crime/cheating.

MamFran · 07/09/2023 04:31

I think it’s very odd. I wouldn’t like it myself

Giggorata · 07/09/2023 05:01

There are a number of small reasons why this feels off, which add up to something bigger:

They don't even work together in the same company
They presumably don’t share offices at work
They don't need to collaborate
It crosses a boundary
It implies a level of intimacy already.
It enforces intimacy and proximity on you, encountering her in your house, on the stairs, on the way to the loo, making tea, etc
It's a bit cheeky just to assume it is OK

I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Circumferences · 07/09/2023 05:19

One of his reasons is that "he misses her"??
Fuck that shit.
Let him have her. I'd be out the fucking door.

LightSpeeds · 07/09/2023 06:02

He hasn't included you in the decision about what is happening in your own home and you don't feel you can easily challenge it (without it making you look unreasonable somehow).

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Doingmybest12 · 07/09/2023 06:18

What does 'missing her' mean, he doesn't work in the same company as her. Does he see her at other times socially, were you aware of the good friendship. TBH on the face of it , friends wanting to work together sometimes from the same space I can see is ok. After all a large part of going to work is a social thing, now lost by WFH. Not saying I'd like it though in these circumstances.

GrumpyPanda · 07/09/2023 06:20

TedMullins · 07/09/2023 02:04

Agree with this. I’ve gone to work at friends’ houses before for company and we don’t work at the same place. It’s no different to meeting up in a cafe to work imo. Also I’m not sure what the issue is with him wanting to spend time with a friend in the absence of colleagues. Would it be better/different if they rented a coworking space together?

Show quote history

Yes it would be different. A co-working space wouldn't impose a random stranger on OP in her own home!

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/09/2023 06:30

he misses her enjoys her company

This takes it from I'd feel a bit uncomfortable with it, to hell the fuck no. I don't think you need to have a reasoned argument and a debate with him about it. Telling him it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want it to happen really should be enough.

LyricalGangsta · 07/09/2023 06:39

He misses her 😕

Nope.

(I'm def not a "cool" wife)

baileys6904 · 07/09/2023 07:41

Of course it is.

Because men can't help falling over desks, getting their pants entwined in the stapler for them to fly down around his ankles and his dick to get wodged in the nearest recpticle which happens to be a woman who's suffered the same recent fate.

OP if he's going to cheat, he'll do it anyway and it's more likely to not be in the marital home.

Just because you're in the house doesn't mean it's not isolating. Think of all the relationship problems during covid cos partners only had each other to speak to. 🤷‍♀️