First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

it is just a day. Celebrate on a different day

He sounds selfish. Wouldn’t, be cor me, particularly if he is happy to make a big thing out of everyone’s birthday but yours

i wouldn’t be going to his, and would do something on that weekend with friends and let him crack on

It's not just day to me tho. Apart from my kids I have no family, he knows this.
And it's not just a day to him when it's his or anyone else's birthday.
He toldme he'd planned to celebrate my birthday the next day but no discussion it with me, I might have been more open to celebrating the next day had we discussed it , not just inviting me to tag along and drop in his next day plans for my birthday

It doesn’t sound like he’s taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Either that or you’re overthinking it. Maybe do your own thing for your birthday and then reevaluate the relationship.

That's kind of how I feel. His birthday is going to be so huge that it would look weird if I didn't go and I feel I'd look spiteful playing tit for tat.
But I'm disinclined now, he's also told me some hugely expensive things he'd like as presents, I am rubbish at buying for others.
I'm autistic and find it really hard to choose for people so asked him to give me ideas, they're well out of my range but I'd have bought one of them because I want to make him feel good on his birthday, currently I don't give a shit!

I think he sounds a bit full of himself and not very respectful of you. I actually think it sounds like he's not that into you, or the relationship, so isn't investing much thought into it.

Maybe step back, make plans with others and don't rely on him to make your birthday special. You'll have a great time, and maybe realise he's not worth it after all.

He genuinely does what he wants when he wants. We often agree and do things together but his friends and family always come first, I respect this and its fine, I'm the same but I think there should be compromise for something like this. I've already planned something for him on an extra day that he really wants to do ,on top of his big party.
I do think a lot because of my nd brain hence coming here for more balanced view before I say anymore to him about it.
I have said I don't want to tag along and I said its a shame , I think it will already make me look too needy but it's how I feel

I don't know him he can either be self absorbed or you are asking too much we don't know, but I find if you need other people to act and do certain things so you can feel better you (as in a general you) will always be disappointed

I would just happily celebrate it the next day but if someone tried to pressure me to do certain things or act certain ways it would turn me right off

Plus one of the people in his hobby group dislikes me because they had a brief thing which went nowhere plus her ex was into me a few years ago, nothing happened between us but she's super obnoxious every time I see her and has a real overbearing personality so I'm even les inclined to celebrate in her company.
I don't know what else to plan as already doing friends the night before .
I can't do two lots of friend events in a row and they are unlikely to want to do a second night!
I feel so sad about just spending it on my own, partly because of the fuss he makes about others' birthdays etc

Why does it matter? I just can't get my head around why this sort of thing matters to adults

Yah I agree with you which is why I feel I've already said too much ref the night to him and come here instead.

I think it's how he's said it as an afterthought 'you're welcome to come' and that 'I've planned totake you out the next night ' which is the first I'd heard of it.
He does have form for doing what he wants and usually it's fine and I can get on with other stuff and fit in around him .
I have plenty to get on with , it's just it means something to me and I know it would to him if it were reversed

Im always wary of people who try to erase your big days. Narcissists and similar have a habbit of downplaying or even ruining your birthdays, achievements or hobbies. They may also cause drama on holidays or occasions like Christmas. Basically, days that aren't all about them.

However, you say he has appeared to be good at celebrating exs birthdays (though...a big show on social media of it doesn't mean he really was decent in real life). So this may just be a one off fluke. But ...just be careful that he's not one of those sort, intent on ruining other people's days.

Lol it just does.
Most adults like to have it recognised by significant people in their lives.
It's not weird to want to spend your birthday or special occasions with loved ones.
As I said upthred I have no family apart from my kids so having a partner around on my birthday matters to me.
I'm sure you don't spend your birthday unacknowledged ? If you do and that's OK then so be it, but it's not the norm for it not to matter

more or less unacknowledged, on the actual day, if friends or children want to celebrate it, that is nice, but by the time we have sat down to find a mutually convenient time it is unlikely to be in the same week.

But I'm late 50s, and birthdays were not really a thing for my generation

I can’t get my head round the fact that some people cannot fathom others’ feeling differently to them.

Birthdays aren’t important to you. Grand, don’t celebrate them. However, unless you live in a vacuum, you must be aware that they are important to a lot of people. They are not wrong to feel this way simply because you do not.

Yes but there is a difference in 'I think birthdays are important to me' and 'I have decided birthdays are important and you have to it my way' (OP this is not directed at you)

I think you should say everything you’ve said here to him and see how he responds. At eight months in, I would be dumping him for this, personally. I can’t abide thoughtlessness.

Nobody here has said 'I have decided birthdays are important and you have to it my way', so why is that relevant?

I'm sorry. This is a really sad post. People in their late 50s do celebrate birthdays, nd did when they were younger.

birthdays isn't some new fangled thing we just adopted from America like Halloween, baby showers, gender reveal and prom .
Late 50s isn't old and I hope if you have adult kids you make a fuss for their birthday?

you think it's childish for me to expect a minimal 'fuss' , therefore Do you celebrate for actual children?
if your generation didn't really do birthdays then why do you think birthdays are just for children now
(from your previous post before the quoted one here)?

@Chubza
I think he is wrong and extremely thoughtless.

My younger self would have been very upset but put up with it.

My older self would definitely get shot of him.

To me it indicates that he doesn’t really care enough to put you first, sorry 💐

Hang on a minute. He isn't even seeing you on your birthday unless you do something you don't want to do. He has already given you a list of expensive things he wants for his birthday.

Honestly, this man isn't worth it. You should get rid of him. He puts himself first and you are actually nowhere near second place. I'm really sorry as I'm sure you like him, but he isn't good for you.

I would definitely be booking a trip to another city or a country town and relaxing. You don’t have to come back the next day either until late. Have you a friend living somewhere else who might want to go out the Saturday?

is his birthday after yours? If so see what he gets you. I’d get him a £50 Amazon voucher personally. Match his energy.

He deliberately arranged this when you'd had an argument and weren't speaking? That sounds particularly spiteful.

He's showing you that other people are worth celebrating and already making demands, or telling you that he expects high value presents and attention for his own birthday.

It really sounds as though you can do much better than this, without nearly so much drama. He has friends who make you feel uncomfortable, expects you to tag along to his hobbies without actually including you.

Go and do something that is actually enjoyable. Book a room by the sea, go to the theatre/concert, whatever it is you enjoy. Even lunch and the cinema. You will have a much better time alone!

Do you really like him? He doesn’t sound as invested in the relationship as you are. You should expect that he would want to spend your birthday with you. Make your own plans, don’t tag along with him. Honestly I would end the relationship.

He made plans for your birthday right after an argument, so obviously he was expecting the argument to be a relationship-ender or he did it as a punishment for arguing with him.

If you're having potentially relationship-ending arguments around the 6-month point but not breaking up, that's a red flag.

If you're having fairly trivial arguments after which he does something to punish you and then doesn't revoke it when you make it clear it bothers you, that's an even bigger red flag.

The super-expensive present suggestions would be a red flag for me too, as after 8 months it seems unlikely he won't have an understanding of your budget.

Saying he'd 'planned' a celebration for you without having discussed it with you in any way is an obvious lie.

He doesn't sound especially engaged or considerate so TBH I'd be calling it off and treating myself to a birthday spa afternoon with the money that might otherwise have gone towards his fancy birthday gift.