First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

@Unrealnotunrealistic Scotland not Ireland www.edinburghfestivalcity.com/news/998-what-is-halloween-and-where-did-it-come-from#:~:text=Halloween%20dates%20back%20to%20the,evening%20before%20All%20Saints%27%20Day.

I doubt the “something” he has “planned” for the day after your birthday even exists OP. He’s having his big night out, so the next day he’ll be tired, maybe hungover if he drinks etc

Haha Halloween derail is funny. I just meant it's not a newfangled thing to celebrate birthdays, like when we talk about 'we didn't have prom, gender reveal blah blah in my day'.
I should have been more clear but tbought it was implicit, no wonder my relationship is such a train wreck 🤣: it's not like we started celebrating birthdays because we saw other countries go large on them , I don't know about how other countries do it, I was using the cliché of how people here tslk about those occasions , often based on what we see on American films etc with the whole house and street being decorated and everyone dressed up for trick or treat, and linking it to the posters comment about how people in their late 50s didn't celebrate birthdays...

It sounds like he's selfish. If this was an event that was on that day then fine celebrate the next day. But he chose to be busy on your birthday and didn't discuss it with you. It shows a lack of regard for your feelings. I'd probably have to tell him how I felt. Alternatively book a night away or a spa day on your birthday and see what he brings to the table birthday wise. It's not about money it's about thought.

I genuinely believe he just pulled that out of a hat last night.
It's just lazy back covering.

No way he'd have anything planned without telling me, he always tells me everything he's done, doing, plans to do etc

I meant trick or treat. not Halloween. I was responding when tired and emotionally dysregulated 🎃 🎃 🎃 🎃 🎃

And I should add: does not always listen or hear my plans, news etc, forgets things I'm doing and makes assumptions ref my availability .
These are the sort of thing I get annoyed about because he puts so much importance on his commitments and friends and family occasions that rightly or wrongly it makes me feel sad and unimportant.
Then other times, as stated above he makes me feel valued and loved and special.
Publicly he makes a huge fuss of me , there's no secret that he loves me and all our mutual friends always say how happy he is and what a great couple we are.
I do think out of sight out of mind with him, which is one of the reasons I wondered about nd but maybe he is just self absorbed.

He sounds very selfish to me, and either not that into you or not able to give his significant other the care and attention they deserve. I completely understand why you’re upset about this, I would be too, it’s the specific set of circumstances around birthday celebrations. It definitely seems to demonstrate where his priorities are.

I feel you are questioning yourself too much, and trying to find ways of downplaying your natural feelings (by blaming your ND) to allow his actions to be normal and not upsetting. But if this is how he prioritises his life now, why will this change? This might be just the start of it.

A close friend of mine has been married for nearly 20 years to someone who constantly prioritises others and his hobbies, over her and their children. But it hasn’t changed since their dating days, it was exactly the same then. It upset her sometimes then, and it’s been upsetting her ever since but she has built a life around it. This is kind of what you need to think about.

I hope you have a lovely birthday with your friends and kids!

Breakfastclub80 - agree with every word you wrote.

I hope you have a good birthday with your children. And a good time when you spend his birthday with them too!

I do question myself a lot and disregard my emotions partly because so many people through my life have told me that my responses are wrong, disproportionate , too sensitive , hard work etc.
I never trust my judgment hence coming here prior to saying anything else to him in case I'm completely out of proportion.

So he makes you feel loved and cherished and special... in public? Where he gets lots of praise for being such a wonderful, doting partner.

In private however, he is careless of your feelings, doesn't take your preferences into account, expects you to be available whenever he is free and/or to accommodate his plans and activities? How does he behave (privately) when you don't accommodate these behaviours? Does he accuse you of being ungrateful/difficult/impossible to please? Does he sulk? Does he get angry?

You should look up narcissistic behaviour. This is starting to sound worse and worse.

Also, if you have previously been told by family or friends that you're "Sensitive" or "difficult", it's far more likely that you'll fall for someone like this because the behaviours are not entirely outside of what you're used to. That's not to say it's your fault - it's not - but it just explains why you question his behaviour when someone else might tell him to get stuffed.

No he doesn't get angry, just more defensive than anything. It hasn't happened loads, when he'd promised me the same couple of things several times over a period of time but never delivered I called him out, he makes a snipy comment about my super memory skills or similar

I know he's busy, soI after this happened a few times i said I'd rather you just don't promise things you don't intend to do.

I've been a single mum for years and lived alone since I left school and never depended on anyone apart from in my marriage.

I can do things myself or pay someone else for most things but these were things he was insistent on, one of which was a really disruptive piece of DIY work that I kept putting off paying for as he kept promising.
In the end I paid someone else.

Privately he's also very loving and romantic and kind, generous etc but he definitely checks out at times and I feel a bit like we might as well be doing our own thing separately on those occasions.

He always spends most of his free time with me but this is worked around his hobby / social life as well as his work and family commitments.

This is pretty much the same as me really although my hobbies are nowhere near as Time consuming/ all encompasing.
Iam learning though from being here that I need to claim some of myself and time back from him.

I really make time for him on top of my gruelling work and family schedule, my social life has definitely taken a back seat even before he came along so i am really fitting him in .

Most of my social events tend to be with groups of women and I sometimes bring my friends to his hobby events for company plus we share a lot of friends so it can be easy to just tag on to his or my stuff.

many of our dates have been with multiple other people but I wanted my birthday to be different.
Anyway it will now because I'I'm now having it for me and the kids instead of just partially with them

No he doesn't get angry, just more defensive than anything. It hasn't happened loads, when he'd promised me the same couple of things several times over a period of time but never delivered I called him out, he makes a snipy comment about my super memory skills or similar

Sorry OP, but this isn't good. What he's doing here is making it so that he gets to feel good about making the grand gesture and then, even though he doesn't do it, YOU are the baddie. This has two long term effects: 1. over time, you don't question him or ask him to accommodate you ever. and 2. he gets to play the "loving and supportive boyfriend who is underappreciated by his callous girlfriend" card with his friends and family.

To be very clear, it's very likely he doesn't do this on purpose and isn't aware of it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's happening.

I think the issue here is that you make yourself available for him, and he expects that, but it's not recipricol. So I agree, you need to claw that back. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate him. And yes, actually, there are times when you do get to demand that he does accommodate you.

Go and have a pamper day on your birthday. Get booked in somewhere for a massage, nails, hair whatever. Get your favourite tea and have a selfish day for you. I wouldn’t go to the arrangements he had planned and as you are already out with your friends the night before use your birthday to have a lie in . You might need it. See what he offers for the following night but for me it would be a deal breaker. I think it’s just really selfish behaviour and would feel like an after thought. Why would anyone want to feel like that? I hope you have a lovely time whatever you do.
also don’t dare buy him the expensive presents!! Tell what he has led for and we will help you think of something more reasonable:-) x

He manages to remember the things which are important to him though?

I think it's 'out of sight out of mind'. Some people are very good at making whoever they're with feel important and are charming company. But only for so long as they are actually talking to that person. When they aren't with them, that other person ceases to exist - they just aren't important enough to prioritise or to remember the details of their lives.

'Qwerty111
I doubt the “something” he has “planned” for the day after your birthday even exists OP. He’s having his big night out, so the next day he’ll be tired, maybe hungover if he drinks etc

I genuinely believe he just pulled that out of a hat last night.
It's just lazy back covering. '

Absolutely he did. My ex was master of this, and now that I'm emotionally detached from him, it's so embarrassingly easy to see it. He called it 'telling people what they want to hear.' Another name for this is lying. Constantly. By omission and vagueness. Avoided conflict at all times. Another name for that is cowardliness.

So...

'Can I have x?'

His response would be something like 'we'll sort that out next week.' Delivered with a smile.

His meaning is 'no'.

Or 'shall we do x?'
'That's a good idea, we'll see.'
Meaning 'I've got golf to play on that day.'
Two days later 'are you still up for x?'
'I can't, Bobs asked me to play golf now. I should be home by 4 though, maybe we can have a bbq'

He doesn’t love you. Sorry but this story screams it. You’re bothered and he knows it and he celebrates birthdays enthusiastically … but not yours.

If you go to his event just because you feel lonely on your bday are you likely to just feel more lonely that it’s your day and the event is not for you.

This is a red flag for future disappointment and where you stand in his priorities.

sorry but as a parent myself i never even think about my own birthday. seems quite childish to me. If he's not bothered either it seems your relationship is not so serious to him.

Pamper day sounds lush and doable.

He's mainly asked for designer clothes and items.
I'd already decided this week I'm not buying any of them, unless they go into the sale quite drastically.
I can't have them neither can my kids, I'm not going into debt for him.
He only likes high end stuff, my ex husband was the same, it's made present buying so stressful and I hate buying for men anyway.
I have thought of a few other bits he would like that won't bankrupt me.

He originally said he didn't want anything and has everything he needs so it was me insisted on giving him a present and then getting the list of what he actually wants threw me!
Especially when I see him buying himself affordable but what I think of as really special presents throughout the year.
I'd absolutely have happily bought him any of those and told him , so last time I saw him he was sporting one, I spotted it and mentioned it in quite a casual 'oh you got a new one' way , and he seemed a bit taken aback, and mumbled a reply as though he felt awkward.
I hasn't said it in any other way than observation, made me wonder if his spending etc had been a problem in previous relationship.
He is generally an instant gratification kind of person and quite impulsive as well as what i said earlier about being bullheaded which can be attractive, romantic and sexy when its passionate and aimed in my direction, and the throwing caution to the wind makes me feel young and carefree but also can be like being with a drunk toddler at times.

This is then completely weighted out by his dedication, commitment and passion to his work , friends and hobby which means he completely switches off from 'us' and when waiting for something, prepping for work etc he goes into a zone which excludes me altogether.this is why although his hobby events are good fun, i dont always want to go unless i know for sure I will have friends there too otherwise I feel a bit of a spare part much of the time.

he definitely has that 'I know what I want and I want it now' vibe, 90s throwback for anyone who remembers!

I would break up with someone who didn’t show any regard for what I was doing on my birthday after 8 months of dating. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Completely irrelevant. The op and her boyfriend do.

Is he also neuro-diverse? If so, this could explain how he seems generous in some ways and thoughtless in others. he might need much more explicit instruction and explanation.
If not, I wouldn't stay with him. It was unkind not to acknowledge your birthday properly. Those who say, its just a day - that's fine if the two are in agreement on that, but not if for one, birthdays are important.

That's a shame, so by not celebrating your birthday with them and encouraging their input, you're perpetuating to your children that when they're grown up their birthday doesn't matter.
I make more fuss over my kids' birthday than my own but we absolutely celebrate mine (usually by doing something they will like more than me)
It's nice to have shared occasito look forward to and I believe this to be the same in a relationship, as it clearly is for him with everyone else's birthday

He's not generous though. He gives the OP only what he wants to give her, the things that don't cost him effort. That's not generosity. Expensive presents aren't generous if a)it's easy for you to afford and buy and b) it's kind of a present for you too and there was no thought for what the recipient actually wanted.

He's not diagnosed, but it is my suspicion, plus what I know about other family members of his.
I think that's partly why I've been very accommodating, a lot of his behaviours mirror my pda. Spd autistic kids
I also think it's why we get on so well in other ways because our brains work very similarly at times