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Original poster

First birthday together he made alternative plans

239 replies

Chubza · 06/09/2023 00:53

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 06/09/2023 02:11

I get it.

Its not really about a birthday....its about his "I will do what I want.....and you can do what I want" attitude.

Its all about him.

I think its time to throw this one back. Its all about him, his time, his friends, his family, his hobby, his wants. "You can come if you want...." No thanks.

Dery · 06/09/2023 02:14

I’m in my 50s and birthdays were and remain totally a thing for my friends and me.

@Chubza - I’d feel upset in your shoes too. It sounds almost performative that he scheduled a different event on your actual birthday. I think he’s making clear that you’re just not that important to him. And 8 months in is - I think - long enough to decide how serious you are about the person you’re with. And the whole boring thing about the woman in the group who doesn’t like you. Very tedious. Sorry about that, OP.

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/09/2023 02:15

Op

It's nothing to do with how your brains wired ok

You celebrate birthdays 🎉 that's fab so does he allegedly but not yours
He makes sure you get his expensive present list though
And a day out as an extra
Puts his mates and the dog before you
You aren't feeling special lovely and I don't blame you
Don't waste anymore time or energy and especially not money
On him he's a fuck wit dump
Him Flowers

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/09/2023 02:29

Someone suggested booking yourself a trip away for your birthday and I think that sounds a great idea. Think of a friend to visit or a concert to go to or a nice spa - put the flight/train fare/overnight stay on your list of present suggestions to the BF. You are going to have to be responsible this year for making your birthday special and putting yourself first. (You can decide how much to spend on his present when you see what he gets for you,)

RantyAnty · 06/09/2023 02:44

Just dump him.

He doesn't even act like he likes you very much.

Some guys are just users, wanting you around for sex or when they're bored.

Cheeky and grabby his list of expensive bd gifts for you to buy him while booking some party on your bd when he could have booked it on any other day.

Seddon · 06/09/2023 03:06

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/09/2023 02:15

Op

It's nothing to do with how your brains wired ok

You celebrate birthdays 🎉 that's fab so does he allegedly but not yours
He makes sure you get his expensive present list though
And a day out as an extra
Puts his mates and the dog before you
You aren't feeling special lovely and I don't blame you
Don't waste anymore time or energy and especially not money
On him he's a fuck wit dump
Him Flowers

100% agree with this.

Signed an NT woman in her 50s!

OP please don't let the one dissenter in this thread convince you that it's anything other than normal for your significant other to be with you on your birthday as the default (i.e. unless something quite extraordinary happens). Not to deliberately organise something else on the day to spite you after an argument.

SunRainStorm · 06/09/2023 03:09

He sounds selfish.

Match his effort for his birthday to what he does for yours.

Don't spend much on him. A bottle of wine or something is fine.

You've only been together 8 months

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 06/09/2023 03:16

I wouldn't be happy about this.

I don't have much family so I spend a lot of Christmases on my own. I dated someone once who would go away with his family without me and leave me home alone on the day. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong, but it was genuinely heartbreaking.

I'm glad I'm not with him anymore.

exclusion · 06/09/2023 03:27

Would your friends be able to change the night of your birthday celebrations to your actual birthday?

Unrealnotunrealistic · 06/09/2023 03:37

Halloween comes from Ireland

Itisadifficulttime · 06/09/2023 03:51

OP, birthdays are very special to me and I have family. Birthdays are special to my parents, uncles, aunties, grandparents. And friends across different age groups.
It's normal to make a big thing of one's birthday.

From your post, I don't think he sees your relationship the way you see it.
I would not be buying him any expensive presents.
I would also not be so invested in the relationship.
It doesn't seem like you both want the same things.

Your feelings are valid. I don't think you come across as needy. I really think you need to reasses what you thought your relationship was.

Summerisawashout · 06/09/2023 05:26

You are right to be upset, he clearly doesn't value or prioritise you in the same way. It's less about celebrating a birthday and more about the lack of consideration and communication, and that he seems to be treating you as an afterthought rather than someone important to him. I would reconsider the relationship, it seems more casual to him.

Agree the expensive gift request is a red flag, again indicates he's focused on himself

AuntieEsther · 06/09/2023 05:33

You've said he's selfish, does what he wants when he wants, expects a massive fuss and expensive gifts on his birthday and doesn't seem to care about your feelings - why are you with him exactly?

BuddhaAtSea · 06/09/2023 05:44

I’d say, from what you’ve written, that he’s really not that into you and that he’s settled till something else comes along. And you deserve better than that.
I get what you’re saying, apart from DD I have no family here either, so it’s important that he is there. But! He’s not really husband material, is he?
Is your birthday in the week? In this case I’d order a takeaway, have a bath, start a new book, drink a nice glass of champagne. If it falls at the weekend, why don’t you invite people for brunch? Or a walk followed by a pub lunch?

blackbeardsballsack · 06/09/2023 05:49

It sounds like he arranged his social event on the night of your birthday on purpose. Along with the fact that when he's heard that you are upset (which he knew you would be) he's not bothered, and has been making a big deal of his birthday and asked you for gifts which he must know would be a stretch for you - I would be out. I would dump him and arrange a weekend trip for myself on my birthday.

MadinMarch · 06/09/2023 06:09

It seems odd that he a big celebrator of his own and his friends and family birthdays, but not yours.
Is there any chance that he has organised a special surprise for you on your actual birthday, (with your friends being aware of it) and that the hobby commitment is just a cover story?

Zanatdy · 06/09/2023 06:16

Well it sounds like he’s not as into you as you are to him. If he’s asked for an expensive bday gift then I’d like to see if he buys you something expensive back. It was horrible him booking his social event after an argument. Seriously I’d be thinking about the future of the relationship as he sounds selfish and that his hobby will always trump any couple plans etc.

Can you ask your friends if they are free on your actual bday instead of the night before? Or maybe see if one of them wants to do a second night? Not sure where you live / what you like doing but I’d like to go to the theatre or have afternoon tea somewhere nice (or both)

SquareOne01 · 06/09/2023 06:21

Why is he having a big party? Is it a special birthday for him? Why is he asking you for expensive presents? Has he asked what you want? Hmm he’s very full of himself isn’t he?

Wannabedisneyprincess · 06/09/2023 06:21

I would be returning the expensive present you have bought him and treating myself to a spa afternoon as PP have said

We don’t tend to do much for our bdays unless it’s a big one but I would be highly annoyed if my DH announced he was going to spend it with his friends instead

MidnightOnceMore · 06/09/2023 06:24

Sidslaw · 06/09/2023 01:20

Why does it matter? I just can't get my head around why this sort of thing matters to adults

Show quote history

Newsflash: not everyone is you!

The op has explained it matters to her.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 06/09/2023 06:24

I couldn't be with someone like this.

HowAmYa · 06/09/2023 06:25

U had a huge row a few months into your relationship - that is a bad sign in itself

He booked something over your bday out of anger and spite - immaturity

After only 8 months this all sounds a bit immature and petty. Re evaluate what you want from life.

You have kids with an ex, my exh and I have regularly swapped days to accommodate our own bdays. I'd see if ex can swap and you can have your kids and do something fun together.
You deserve so much better than this.

dcadmamagain · 06/09/2023 06:37

I’m interested in how he plans to celebrate your bday the next day and what present he gets you - especially after giving you his present suggestions.

I think that will reveal how he feels about you……

AtalantaX · 06/09/2023 06:41

It doesn’t sound like he makes you feel cherished and cared for, respected or valued. That you are becoming a significant priority.
You are worth so much more.

MumUndone · 06/09/2023 06:48

At 8 months in, you should still be in the 'honeymoon' period when you're both making an effort - doesn't bode well that he's prioritising his hobby over you on your birthday, particularly if he normally makes a big deal of birthdays. Not sure he's the one for you.