First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

So you had been together less than 6 months when he planned an event in advance? And you have known about said event for the last two months and that it clashed?

Dump him. He's a shit boyfriend.
Of course he should spend your birthday with you and not with his friends. That's normal, boyfriend behaviour!
If you stay with him you will always come second to whatever he wants to do - what you want isn't even a factor for him.
Set the bar a bit higher and date someone who actually prioritises you.

I agree with this. You shouldn't have
To fight for his attention on your day.

This! he is not good for you, your self esteem and your MH.

He has already given you a list of expensive things he wants for his birthday.
Quite.
Cheeky, self absorbed fucker.

I think he sees you and him as being more of a casual relationship and not as anything serious or long term.

His whole social group is tied up with his hobby and he has his own family commitments so I never expect to be his priority although there are times he does make me feel important and like I come first there areother times I feel a bit low on the list

This is quite sad, OP.

I agree with PPs who say he doesn't sound that into you. And you yourself say he does what he likes when he likes.

Your birthday is an opportunity for him to step up and prioritise you on the actual day - but he hasn't.

I think you should prioritise yourself and find someone who likes you more than he seems to.

My ex husband is/was also a selfish man.

I dismissed this flaw for ages on the basis of other good characteristics/thoughts that no one is perfect. As you have done here, I would have also defended his arsehole behaviour with buts.

Selfishness doesn't end well. For my ex is was checking out of the marriage and taking himself to the golf course when the going was tough with young children; and then an affair.

I have learnt from this, and whilst I accept that no one is perfect, selfishness is not a trait I would tolerate any more.

What your bf has done here op, was exceptionally selfish. You say he is in to you, but he has done something which he knows will make you upset. And has done. Is that really someone you want to be with?

Ditch him, OP. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

OP

I think you know exactly what the problem is - He does really like you, and treats you nice - BUT

You are not No. 1 in his world - He is!

Its not just the fact he planned something else on your birthday - its the fact you know when its his birthday -its very important to him- its all bells and whistles.

He is making you feel shit about yourself - to be honest it sounds like he couldn't care less - you are very aware of this.- He explains everything away.

As long as you are aware its always going to be about him first and foremost- if you're willing to accept this- fine - continue with the relationship as is.

But - It does sound like resentment is going to be a big issue for you going forward. Knowing he is who he is - I wonder if its anything to do with how wealthy he is - there is a power imbalance there already.

I understand why you feel upset about your Birthday- you're going to have to learn to take as much as he decides to give you in this relationship, otherwise walk away!

@Chubza Finish it now and save your money. Do not get him anything else. If the thing you've paid for is refundable, get your money back. If not, go with someone else.

For your birthday plan a bit of luxury at home if you can't afford to go away. You are going out with your friends the day before so have a nice chill day. Get in your favourite foods, a bottle of sonething you fancy.
Wake up in fresh bedding.
Pamper yourself and soak with your favourite bubble bath, a nice hair treatment, body lotion.

Settle down with that book you haven't had time to read. Whatever makes you feel good.

Put yourself first.

And when your kids come back have cake & a birthday tea. Maybe a movie afternoon with popcorn. A walk in the park. Something nice you all enjoy.

I hope you have a lovely birthday, whatever you end up doing.

This.

He's not prioritising you, so don't prioritise him.

I'd also take back the very expensive item you bought him for his birthday, say you can't afford it, and ask for cheaper ideas.

It's selfish and thoughtless to request expensive gifts. Wait until you see what he buys you for your birthday first...

But I'd take a step back and focus on yourself and friends. Don't rely on him. Doesn't sound like he's that invested in you.

He’s making a big deal about his birthday, and expecting you to do so.

He’s made your birthday an afterthought.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
(Maya Angelou)

I am even older than you and birthdays have always been a “ thing” in my family and social group . Before I retired there was always a cake and card for colleagues on their birthdays .
OP on MN some people sneer at the idea anyone over 5 wants to celebrate their birthday but I don’t think this reflects real life .
Sorry to say but your BF sounds selfish . Not sure if you have mentioned but is the hobby cycling ??

To the poster who asked, yes my expensive early birthday present does also benefit him 🤣🙈
I feel like a wally moaning here and. Bit passive aggressive. I was surprised yesterday that he hasn't attempted to change it and just mentioned in conversation that he is doing it and looking forward to it and bit pissed off he said he's got plans for us the next night with absolutely zero discussion with me about what I might like and when

Honestly, I'd end it. He sounds self-obsessed. Nothing you say makes me think he values you, you're just and add on who has sex with him.

You deserve better.

He sounds beyond awful TBH. Not cut out for a relationship at all. He might like you more than any previous girlfriend but he likes himself a LOT more!

I would end it now OP.
This is going to be the pattern for the rest of your relationship if you continue with it.
He’s selfish and will always put himself first.

It's not cycling but might as well be, it is a cool hobby but not what I want to do with him on our first birthday together, I think it's the lack of consideration or effort to change or make something for me on that day other than saying you're welcome to come.
Don't worry I always take these 'birthdays are for quitters' mumsnetters with a pinch of salt.

I think they're important and I like helping people to feel special on their birthday.
I'm always an afterthought on any birthday as I get older, everyone has their family commitments , I don't have a wider family so I've often just arrange it for me and the kids or even just me.

Even when married I had to arrange everything or I'd be left with nothing.
When younger it was easy just everyone to the pub, club etc.
I don't drink much anymore so also just rocking up to someone's event would feel awkward especially when theyre all so close.

I just thought our first one together would be different, maybe I should have said more at the time but it felt uncomfortable once I'd expressed my initial surprise, I didn't want to keep banging on about it and didn't want to risk looking controlling or something and wish I had been clearer now
I struggle with communication and expressing my needs at the best of times but he definitely knew I was disappointed

I don't think you should measure how serious or committed he is compared to his previous relationships. What matters is how he is with you and how it makes you feel.
It all sounds a bit like the dynamic is he is wealthy, lots of friends, comfortable that he is always no 1 in his world, and you are expected to be grateful for what he throws your way. How can he unilaterally decide HE will celebrate YOUR birthday the day after?!
Don't let him control you. Don't stretch yourself to expensive gifts, you'll never wow him if you try to keep up with his expectations. I would return the gift experience and if you really want to give the relationship a go, plan something very low key, but thoughtful for him.
His reaction will tell you everything you need to know

Oh my, this is so so spot on.

Scarily so. This bloke sounds exactly like my ex. Exactly so. Does what he what's when he wants, take it or leave it, but very popular on a surface level as good easy company.

It took me 20 years to realise that whilst I was absolutely his no 1 girl, that wasn't actually very high up. He loved me, but only as much as he was capable of loving anyone, which wasn't very high.

Don't be me op, this bloke does not deserve you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You're not high priority (sorry).

Urggh. I feel a bit silly if I've misjudged him all this time!

Because me and my partner both work full time and have a toddler we very rarely celebrate our birthday on our actual birthday. So I'd either go to his event or treat myself to a nice takeaway and a movie and celebrate it with him the next day.
He does seem a bit selfish though OP. i know how you feel, my partner went to an Airsoft convention on my first mother's day and it hurt like hell. He's definitely made up for it since but it hurt at the time.

I would take this as a sign that I was being taught how low a priority I am in his life, and being trained to suck this up. I would cool off from a man like this and certainly not go out of my way for him in any way. He should want to celebrate your birthday with you.

After 30 years I still feel a bit guilty or bad if I am away for work on DH's birthday and try hard to rearrange my schedule so I'm not.