First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

Hahaha I wish he was a wrestler that would be amazing!
It's a milestone birthday for him but even if it wasn't it would still be an 'event' because that's what he's always done and how his family do it , ex, kids, siblings, parents etc, everything is an occasion!

I came here to say this too. He has punished her, which is cruel and controlling. It's a red flag for me. He doesn't sound like he cares what her needs are - it's totally on his terms.

When a man says your too sensitive and dismisses you, that's a massive red flag. Im lenient.ish...but not when someone is wanting me to question myself so he doesnt have to change a thing about himself!. This alone, saying im too sensitive, i would run for the hills...i would not look back. This isnt good for you OP

He arranged a social event with his friends on your birthday.

He wasn't prepared to change that arrangement when you told him you were disappointed.

He is very kind and considerate to others.

He's given you a list of expensive things he wants for HIS birthday.

He's a selfish, self-absorbed arse and doesn't deserve you. He'll never change for the better. You'll never be his priority unless there's something in it for him. Is this who you want to be tied to? Really? Look in the mirror and tell yourself you're worth far better than him and then bid him a permanent 'Goodbye'. He might try to love-bomb you back but you know what he is because he's shown you very clearly. I hope you have a great birthday weekend with your children and friends!

Urgh it's so depressing. I started this post thinking I was defective by having such high expectations 😔😆

Is it karaoke OP?

I agree with others that he is being an absolute dick, I would be upset too if my partner hadn't prioritised my birthday over a night out with friends. Especially after you had communicated that it was important to you. Will having your kids over his birthday weekend mean you can't join him for his very special celebration? Will they be included?

Haha you got me 🙈 it is like their lifeand involves a lot for people. Followers, entourage, regulars etc.
He sings too and is fab, like a minor celebrity of the phoenix nights variety and although it's a lot of fun, it's not always fun for me , its not my life and I don't have the energy to join in each time nor to sit there looking social etc.

They're included for the daytime part but licencing precludes them later on plus it would be too loud for them later.

If his 'normal' is to make birthdays into an occasion, then it's pretty glaring that he's not doing this for yours.

I also think he's punished you. He knew the date. He then had the chance to change his event. A kind man would want you to make your birthday special.

Not at all keen on the very expensive gift which now doubles up as a birthday present - and also benefits him tbh, or his luxury gift list.

Throw this one back OP. His character sounds awful.

@Chubza I can imagine it getting a bit tiresome, especially a whole bloody night of it! I'm guessing from how you described it earlier that you don't sing either, which would be okay if he did one song and you moved on, but sounds like you're expected to sit there all night clapping him on and basking in his wonderfulness 😂 Fuck that on your birthday!

Agree. He certainly likes the attention from everyone by sounds of it. Wide boy. I hope OP doesn't backtrack...hes not a good sort. Wound me up him saying she's over emotional... grates my gears. Thats what men say when theyre trying to dodge the shit they've caused.

Maybe he is preparing a birthday surprise for you, OP?

He really isn't 🤣

I love this, never hear wide boy anymore!
Yes it's the same as men who put 'No drama' on their dating profile.

I do sing but not to their standard. Its a kind of open mic vibe too so there's regulars and fans of said regulars, followers of the organisers and it's a good musical day or night out but fitting it in place of an actual date together it can be a bit tedious.

He shares his role with others so he's rarely on all night which is where I can then slot in but of course there's all the catching up with everyone because they're all friends on the circuit.
We've known each other for many years and we have always caught up at these events too so it's not like I am completely green but the reality of it being more important than my birthday was a huge 'surprise'.

Lol exactly! 'no drama' haha ...in other words 'let me get away with any old shite but mention it and im outta here'

Yup! I’m fed up with the attitude that we can’t complain about anything because it might make someone uncomfortable, despite their actions causing us discomfort in the first place

OP has said this is an important day for her, whilst you might not agree, this is how she feels and has communicated this (i think) to her partner.

the important thing i read here OP is that you feel that your dp prioritises other people and things over you. This isn’t going to change, so you need to have a think about whether this is something you can be OK with. The other important thing is that it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a conversation with him directly about it - what’s stopped you being able to have an open chat with him about it, and how it’s made you feel?

in terms of the situation - I personally would struggle with this after reading how important birthdays are to him and his family. If he didn’t make an effort with birthdays that would be different, but he celebrates them as important events and would know this about your day. at 8 months in your DP should be making an effort with your birthday to make it feel special. Things might change after some time together, but i think if he can’t do this in the honeymoon stage, it doesn’t bode well for the future. He was available on your birthday and chose to make other plans on that day. I think it says a lot about how he views you and the relationship.

i’m sorry OP. I hope you can have a lovely birthday anyway

Thank you, it has really hurt me. I’ve told him now, he is surprised and sorry that I feel hurt.

He genuinely had no alternative plan, did not have any reason or excuse and used a load of waffle to detract from the birthday snub and went completely off subject, it was late and I didn’t have the energy to fight my corner but he didn’t justify his choice at all.

he’s supposedly cancelled his plans now and wants to ‘take’ me out.
I’ve told him I’m celebrating with the kids.

Get rid.
Hrs got an 'all encomapassing' hobby, which is enough reason on its own.
If you've got no one else to spend your bday with use it to treat yourself- cinema, spa, any interest you don't normally have time for.

I would usually be thinking the same but I think it's more to do with the fact he makes such a fuss about birthdays for everyone else and himself. I'm not bothered about my birthday but if my oh expected a fuss and for everyone else's but not mine I'd be very annoyed as you would think they don't care about you or you don't matter

The red flag for me is that you've seen yourself that he has made the effort for previous partners on their birthdays, and that he wants a fuss making for his birthday. So it's not a case of him being just not that fussed about birthdays, he's just not making any effort for yours.

I would calmly and rationally explain this to him in those terms.

You have every right to be upset tbh.

I would also mention it to a close mate or two and say look I know we'd planned to see each other the day before my birthday but any chance you'd be free to do it on my actual birthday instead as that would be more special? But try not to make it obvious they are your fall back option for when your flaky boyfriend failed you!

he’s supposedly cancelled his plans now and wants to ‘take’ me out.

Ooh, this one is a classic. Be prepared, as you've now said "No" to lots of hurt/passive aggressive/sulky comments about how there's no pleasing some people, he went to all this trouble to change his plans for YOUR birthday because YOU said you wanted to spend it with him etc etc etc.

Also, be prepared for lots of gushing social media posts on the day - so to the outside world it will be all "aaah, he loves her so much and look at how much he's into her birthday."

Separate note, being the WAG of a performer is exhausting - especially in this sort of world where they are all enthusiastic amateurs and no so secretly hoping to be "discovered". DH keeps getting people like this trying to drag him into their things because he IS a professional and it's relentless. Now, when he does feel he can't say no, we agree I won't go because the way they all behave around him as "the star" is so cringey it's unbearable!

Ha! Sounds like you know him! I hate when people try to make up after the fact and expect you to be grateful, maybe I’m a bit bloody minded in that regard. He says he knew he should have changed it and had planned to all along, not the vibe I got at all when he was happily telling me about the event two nights ago...

yes it can be cringey , he always wants to go because he loves it so much and it’s all his friends etc