Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First birthday together he made alternative plans

239 replies

Chubza · 06/09/2023 00:53

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

OP posts:
fifteenfifty · 06/09/2023 06:57

This just doesn't sound fulfilling or nice. He's done something upsetting (it sounds like on purpose), you've communicated that you're upset and he's doing nothing about it. He does not sound invested in your feelings. Making big plans for his own birthday and not yours is not a sign of anyone feeling committed or enthusiastic about the other person. With this information, do you want to continue a relationship with someone who is neither committed or enthusiastic about you?
It's good that you have plans with friends. Try to switch them to your actual birthday. If not, tell them about the scenario and see if something can be sorted for the day.

Iloveacurry · 06/09/2023 06:58

God he sounds like a twat. As someone else said, arrange to go away for your birthday if you can, make it two nights so you can’t do anything with him the following day.

Potentialmadcatlady · 06/09/2023 07:00

You are worth more than this.

Persiana · 06/09/2023 07:01

He sounds arrogant, manipulative and controlling to me. It's not up to him to decide he will 'take you out' the next day, like you're the little woman waiting around for him to decide what to do with you. He's putting you second to his needs. It doesn't sit right with me at all. I would distance myself from him and have a really good think about the relationship. Is he a good person? Does he show you respect?

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 06/09/2023 07:13

Your birthday marks the end of a year of your life and the start of a new one. If I was you I would have a lovely spa day or nice day in the country / another city either alone or perhaps with a good friend and use it to reassess and think about what you want for the next year.
He sounds self absorbed op. If you and he both have form for celebrating birthdays, then its really unfair for him to plan something with his friends on the night of your birthday. Of course gou aren't going to want to tag along. Did I understand right that he arranged this as a punishment when you'd had a bit of a falling out? If so that's sinister.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/09/2023 07:22

It doesn’t sound like he’s taking the relationship as seriously as you are

this sadly
you havnt been dating long and you have put alot of emotional eggs 🥚 in his basket 🧺

Treat yourself to a solo activity you like that day and do some thinking

maybe you want something more than he’s offering ?

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:29

Thanks all. To be fair, he bought and gave me my present ages ago, it was expensive and very unexpected, especially so early, and had not been together long, was a big gesture, so has set the bar ref presents but was so long ago it seems unbirthday ish, and if tge subject comes up ( rarely) has said he already got my present.

Its a cool gift but for the money not something I'd necessarily want.
It was a nice surprise though.

He is very well off compared to me, hence the expensive gift list.
He buys himself expensive stuff all the time and treats himself, I asked him to help me out with a list and maybe stop treating himself to what I see as special gift type things so I can get something he'd actually appreciate which is where the list came in.
He's still buying the presenty things for himself, so it feels like my gift would be a definite damp squib 🤣

He is generally kind and thoughtful but definitely gives vibes of doing what he wants when he wants and I do sometimes feel like an afterthought.
He has a demanding job and his hobby is also demanding in terms of time. His whole social group is tied up with his hobby and he has his own family commitments so I never expect to be his priority although there are times he does make me feel important and like I come first there areother times I feel a bit low on the list
I have a feeling I have rejection sensitivity linked to my nd, thus makes it hard for me to clarify why I'm upset sometimes without feeling like a loon.

The event with my friends is an actual ticketed event so can't change it.
I have been thinking about going away or just changing the date I have my kids so we can do something together ❤️
I'd love to spend it with my kids anyway but I had an expectation for our 'first' birthday together, partly based on what I know about his birthday behaviour for others.
Stupid me for putting my eggs in his basket i guess, giving someone else the power to make me feel crap.

I'm super skint so going away is not an option although it would be fab!

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 06/09/2023 07:30

Thisnwould be a total deal breaker for me. I’ve been with partners who ignored or downplayed my special events until they just went totally ignored. I make it clear at the start of a relationship that birthday, Xmas and valentines are important to me. I’d not mind celebrating on the weekend nearest my birthday as I have DD on the week nights but in the instance you’ve described I think these days I’d end the relationship as I know I’d feel angry and resentful going forward and for me this is the start of me feeling unloved.

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:32

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 06/09/2023 07:13

Your birthday marks the end of a year of your life and the start of a new one. If I was you I would have a lovely spa day or nice day in the country / another city either alone or perhaps with a good friend and use it to reassess and think about what you want for the next year.
He sounds self absorbed op. If you and he both have form for celebrating birthdays, then its really unfair for him to plan something with his friends on the night of your birthday. Of course gou aren't going to want to tag along. Did I understand right that he arranged this as a punishment when you'd had a bit of a falling out? If so that's sinister.

I don't think it was done in spite, I think it was done in excitement and he'd genuinely forgotten my birthday, but at the point where he'd told me about it it was very early in the planning stages so could have easily changed, as Time has gone by the event has become more cemented, venue booked people invited etc so has grown legs and to cancel now would be a Ballache (I think)

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:33

SpringleDingle · 06/09/2023 07:30

Thisnwould be a total deal breaker for me. I’ve been with partners who ignored or downplayed my special events until they just went totally ignored. I make it clear at the start of a relationship that birthday, Xmas and valentines are important to me. I’d not mind celebrating on the weekend nearest my birthday as I have DD on the week nights but in the instance you’ve described I think these days I’d end the relationship as I know I’d feel angry and resentful going forward and for me this is the start of me feeling unloved.

Yes this how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:35

Unrealnotunrealistic · 06/09/2023 03:37

Halloween comes from Ireland

The point was about the level of celebration coming from the US , not the actual night.
A lot of Irish settlers in America though so the makes sense

OP posts:
SquareOne01 · 06/09/2023 07:35

What type of presents has he asked for out of interest?

SavBlancTonight · 06/09/2023 07:36

I think you are right to be upset. Its not just the event, but the lack of concern or regret. If he had said, I know, I am so sorry but I can't cancel this now but I will make it up to you with something fabulous the next day...

Maybe you wouldn't feel so hurt. But he's being dismissive and thoughtless.

Sparkletastic · 06/09/2023 07:40

It sounds like he isn't prioritising you in his life. I'd be tempted to return the expensive gift to him and cool the relationship right down.

WaltzingWaters · 06/09/2023 07:41

You’ll get a lot of “birthdays are just another day, especially one you’re an adult, just celebrate another day” on Mn. But I still love celebrating on my actual birthday even in my mid 30’s. I’d be upset also, especially as it sounds as though he puts a lot of emphasis on birthdays, just not yours. I guess it depends on what he’s like in general, does he ever put you first? He sounds a bit as though he seems self important.

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:41

He's definitely into me and much more so than other relationships he's been in for years I know this for a fact but for whatever reason he's very tunnelvision ref what he wants and when.
Also defensive when I pull him up on stuff where he been thoughtless or what I feel is selfish.
I think this is his character rather than a reflection of what he thinks of our relationship.
There are times he'd put me first and I appreciate it but this is important to me.

I know he's committed but just a selfish man in some ways, very generous and thoughtful in others.
It's such a dichotomy, he makes me feel really loved and valued much of the time then at others I felt like an afterthought like now for instance.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 06/09/2023 07:42

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/09/2023 02:00

Do you really like him? He doesn’t sound as invested in the relationship as you are. You should expect that he would want to spend your birthday with you. Make your own plans, don’t tag along with him. Honestly I would end the relationship.

In your shoes I’d tell him to eff off with his half baked plan to join him & his hobby cohort on your birthday.
Id book myself a spa day and chill out for a few hours.

I certainly would NOT reward his laddish inconsideration with an expensive gift.

Hes “not that in to you.” He’s selfish so do you really see a future with him? Time passes, tiny baby versus his hobby that he loves so much? Really? Nah. Get out now.

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:44

SquareOne01 · 06/09/2023 07:35

What type of presents has he asked for out of interest?

Luxury ones! High end items or experiences!
The one I've already planned is something I could change to a joint event or both our birthday and ask for half the money (it's early for his birthday because of availability but he really wants it so was going to get a physical presnt too for the actual day)
I could also do this event with someone else if I really want to, I haven't given it him yet.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/09/2023 07:45

Oh good I just knew the “it’s just a day” and “only children should celebrate birthdays” brigade would be along 🙄

let me get this straight @Chubza , he arranged this big hobby night on your birthday when he was away sulking after an argument? So out of spite? And now he’s not prepared to change it after you’ve made up?

hmm sounds like a punishment to me. I don’t like it.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 06/09/2023 07:46

Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:44

Luxury ones! High end items or experiences!
The one I've already planned is something I could change to a joint event or both our birthday and ask for half the money (it's early for his birthday because of availability but he really wants it so was going to get a physical presnt too for the actual day)
I could also do this event with someone else if I really want to, I haven't given it him yet.

Show quote history

Honestly I wouldn't give it to him. I wouldn't even plan anything given birthdays aren't that important to him. Return it. Spend the money on yourself

CoffeeBean5 · 06/09/2023 07:49

I'm sorry but he's really not into you. He organised something for himself on your birthday. He bought you something that you don't want. He sounds incredibly selfish and thoughtless. You can do so much better.

Also he's a CF for asking for expensive presents for his birthday when he has made zero effort for yours. Spend that money on yourself on your birthday instead!

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2023 07:50

If this is his character then is that what you want in a partner? You’re still in the first year so you should still be evaluating his behaviour all the time to see if it’s right for you. Sounds very much like you had an argument, he thought fuck you and organised an event on your birthday on purpose. That’s not nice. When someone shows you who they are then believe them

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 07:50

SavBlancTonight · 06/09/2023 07:36

I think you are right to be upset. Its not just the event, but the lack of concern or regret. If he had said, I know, I am so sorry but I can't cancel this now but I will make it up to you with something fabulous the next day...

Maybe you wouldn't feel so hurt. But he's being dismissive and thoughtless.

Yeah he's never once said anything remotely sorry or talked about making it up, was literally a plan, realised its my birthday, flippantly said t the time I am welcome to join then reiterated this yesterday when he mentioned the event and how it's coming together, he said 'and we have the such and such on your birthday '
And I said that's great just a shame its on my birthday, that's when he reiterated that I'm welcome to join and dropped in he's planning to 'take me out' the next day....
So zero discussion from booking the thing ages ago until now just because it came up when discussing his wider plans

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 06/09/2023 07:51

If you're skint you can't afford to buy him an expensive present. You and he are on different budgets, you don't have to try to spend the same as he spent on you, just match the energy.

Out of interest, was the present he bought you something that benefits him too (like a new tv)?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/09/2023 07:52

You're just not a priority for him

I would honestly ditch him and find someone for whom the little things matter, that you are a priority and so is your relationship