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Original poster

First birthday together he made alternative plans

239 replies

Chubza · 06/09/2023 00:53

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 07/09/2023 15:02

RoseAdagio · 07/09/2023 11:31

The red flag for me is that you've seen yourself that he has made the effort for previous partners on their birthdays, and that he wants a fuss making for his birthday. So it's not a case of him being just not that fussed about birthdays, he's just not making any effort for yours.

I would calmly and rationally explain this to him in those terms.

You have every right to be upset tbh.

I would also mention it to a close mate or two and say look I know we'd planned to see each other the day before my birthday but any chance you'd be free to do it on my actual birthday instead as that would be more special? But try not to make it obvious they are your fall back option for when your flaky boyfriend failed you!

Thank you. I have changed my weekend to have the kids so I have night out with friends the night before then night with the kids on my birthday. I will plan something for myself on the actual day and see if anyone is free to join ,maybe a spa or nice breakfast if not I’ll do it alone

OP posts:
webster1987 · 07/09/2023 15:03

How a man treats you on your birthday shows how he really feels about you. IMO.

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 00:23

But I'm late 50s, and birthdays were not really a thing for my generation.

Absolute nonsense.

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 00:25

webster1987 · 07/09/2023 15:03

How a man treats you on your birthday shows how he really feels about you. IMO.

Totally agree.

Catoo · 08/09/2023 00:56

I’m sorry to hear this OP.
He should want to spend your birthday with you. Arranging this big thing on the same day was spiteful and deliberate.
Sounds like a narcissist’s trick to put you in your place.
If he doesn’t come good on the day, I’d be done. And I certainly would not be buying anything off his own expensive list.
x

Twoboys2023 · 08/09/2023 18:43

If you’re in a serious relationship he should be treating you like a princess on your birthday. I’d wait to see if he has anything up his sleeve. Perhaps he’s planning some sort of surprise. If not, I’d think about if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t want to make a fuss of you on a day that’s important to you. There are lots of amazing men out there who will want to do that. Don’t waste your time on one who won’t. The old saying - When someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time - is true.

LadyBird1973 · 08/09/2023 20:50

If you stay with this man he's gonna spend your whole life lying to you and gaslighting you and making you feel inferior to his childish hobby!

Mummaoffour1234 · 09/09/2023 14:48

My feeling is, you know something isn’t right and you are trying to rationalise it. It’s a bigger issue than your actual birthday - you “tagging along” to his hobby and him not taking steps to include you with his friends leaving you feeling lost and left out. The complete lack of dialogue around your birthdays and the fact that you’re on completely different pages with it. You keeping your birthday free hoping he’ll sort something out but not wanting to ask him.

Wanting someone communicate with you and prioritise you is not being a Prima Donna.

It sounds like - as far as your relationship goes - this person is self centred and wants you to fit around his plans. You know what a bad relationship looks like - why are you wasting your time with another one? You are worth more. Your time is worth more x

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 15:53

Chubza · 06/09/2023 00:53

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

Don't tag along.
Do your own thing.
Be independent, strong and not needy.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 15:58

Good test of relationship.
He doesn't sound that bothered.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Just try to be relaxed and enjoy yourself.
Arrange to see Friends or family on your birthday too. Don't mention again.
See what happens.
Don't be needy whoever it is.

ZebraD · 09/09/2023 18:23

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 15:53

Don't tag along.
Do your own thing.
Be independent, strong and not needy.

Show quote history

Being ‘needy’ is an awful way to describe this particular post - it’s an awful word in general. There is nothing needy about wanting to share your birthday with your other half.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 18:39

Sidslaw · 06/09/2023 01:25

more or less unacknowledged, on the actual day, if friends or children want to celebrate it, that is nice, but by the time we have sat down to find a mutually convenient time it is unlikely to be in the same week.

But I'm late 50s, and birthdays were not really a thing for my generation

Show quote history

Nonsense!

I'm older than you and they've always been a 'thing'

Maybe it was just your family?

Original poster
Chubza · 10/09/2023 00:06

Lols at needy, I don’t think it is, I never asked him to cancel and I arranged an alternative straight away plus am out with friends the night before so it’s not as though I’ll be doing any pining but it’s still ok to feel deflated about that particular expectation.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 10/09/2023 00:57

He's a thoughtless arse who will probably always dissapoint you.

He's clearly playing top trumps of how popular he is, spiteful behaviour.

Don't buy him anything and find yourself someone new to spend birthdays with.

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