First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

Out of interest @Chubza how is your day to day communication?

I understand that and I would happily make other plans, compromise etc had we discussed it in anyway but he did what he wants , realised it clashed, didn't change it or express anything other than that I'm welcome to join and he's planned an alternative date without any further discussion or checking what I want.
I know I'm just saying the same thing over and over.
Can't even be bothered to talk to him as its so obviously not about me at all.
he knows its not what I'd have hoped for, especially after all the discussions ref his day.

He doesn't sound very nice @Chubza!

So he either arranged this event thing on your birthday out of spite after you'd had an argument (childish), or he forgot it was your birthday on that date/couldn't give a flying fig that it was your birthday. And since then, he's made zero effort to change it. Nice. Not!

He makes a big deal out of HIS birthday and other people's but you're not important enough to him. Out of interest, does he have a big birthday coming up, hence the big party, or is he just so full of his own self importance?

If I were you, I'd explain how this situation is making you feel to him. I don't imagine it'll make a jot of difference but at least he'll know. And then I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with somebody that holds me way down on the list of their priorities.

Usually really good, very open and honest until I challenge him by remind him something he said he'd do / forgotten or conveniently forgotten.
He's very bullhead. I often wonder if he's neurodivergent too based on some of thse behaviours and disconnects when he's thinking about something else or planning something.
he's under a lot of pressure, most seems self inflicted if im honest.
i probably give too much rope because of my misplaced empathy And not wanting to add to his pressures / stress !

Ah so your communication is good as long as you don’t challenge him or question him on anything? Then it’s not good

Yes his birthday is a big birthday but they're all big in his family, they always go large on all of them .

Oh and should have added what a surprise that your early extravagant birthday present benefits him too!!! What a shocker!!!! 😁

Lol 😆 I think because I'm not good at reading people I am never sure if my challenges or reminders are appropriate or not...

Hahah I am doing a lot of d'oh to myself with this thread

Given the gift was given early in the 8 month relationship and it's only the OP's birthday now it was NOT even a birthday present!!

Please go out with your grown up kids and leave this selfish man to his own devices. Everyone deserves to shine on their birthday and he is dulling down your day to accommodate his.
Finish with him before your birthday

Urgh he sounds awful to be honest

He's certainly letting you know where you fit in to his priorities

Who the hell hints at expensive presents they've got their eye on, plans a blow out bash for their own birthday then can't even be bothered to be around for their partners? A selfish arse is who

I had a twat of an ex take me to the opera for my birthday. Sure it looked fancy and posh in the photos. I hate opera. I hate sitting still for long periods of time. I generally hate people singing when they could just bloody talk. And I hate dressing up. So no it wasn't a present for me. It was for him.

Op - he was a selfish arse too. Me, I'd be out of there.

Look, I don't have any family either and once you're an adult birthdays really don't matter to a lot of us.

Honestly, he's not very interested in you - I think it sounds like he's still recovering from his last relationship and you're just something to keep him busy for now

I'd end it

You are under no obligation to get him a physical present for the day as well
As he points out youve already had his early from him

He's not a keeper op it shouldn't be this hard trust your gut it's working well for you

*rainbowstardrops
Oh and should have added what a surprise that your early extravagant birthday present benefits him too!!! What a shocker!!!! 😁

Given the gift was given early in the 8 month relationship and it's only the OP's birthday now it was NOT even a birthday present!!*

Well quite! But Mr Self-important has told the OP that she's had her birthday present. What a peach he is!

Hahahahah I'm rapidly going off him reading all these, it's so different through someone else's eyes!
We do get on well when wee together, we don't have much time with each other at all which is hard but I really appreciate the time we do have plus I need time and space for my life too
I guess the fact we don't have much time together really emphasises how important this birthday was for me

If you're planning to have a long relationship with this man there is 100% no point not telling him exactly how you feel about this. Not 'it's a shame' but 'I'm feeling really crap about my birthday because...' use lots of 'I' statements rather than saying 'you were a dick' even though he was.

His response is going to tell you everything you need to know. He will almost certainly get v defensive for a short while but ultimately if he doesn't change plans or talk about it and reach a compromise with you - one that feels acceptable to YOU not that he thinks you should be ok with - then you know where you are.

If he doubles down and you still want/need to be in a relationship with him then you're going to need to take responsibility for your own birthday, feelings, everything else in future because this relationship is going to be all about him.

There’s a lot wrong in this relationship OP. Including that you’ve said he’s suggested gift ideas for himself that you said are “hugely expensive” for you to buy him, but in another post you’ve said your skint and not as well off as him. That’s not ok of him to do this, it’s selfish and self centred.

He doesn’t sound like a partner worth having. I suspect he may be love bombing you and being a great DP when it suits him, but keeping you in line way down his priority list when better options are available to him.

You mentioned having had an argument before he arranged this? You've only been together 8 months and you're already arguing? That coupled with his behaviour here, pushing you to the side when he knows you have no family and your children aren't with you - LTB. That's not a loving boyfriend

Please do not spend lots of money on his birthday whatever you do. He is well off and doesnt seem to have the insight to realise you're not. Feel very free to disabuse him.

Also, a) his present to you benefitted him in some way b) it was ages ago c) the experience you're thinking of buying him will be before his birthday. If he is standing by b) then why do you need to buy him anything else?

This man is self centred. Very much so. He is generous with money because he has plenty of it. Please don't let this make you feel special because it is no sacrifice to him. What is more difficult to him is being thoughtful and prioritising you over his own social plans. He is not doing this so no, he is not making an effort.

If it had been a big event that fell on your birthday and was important to him then ok, I would have accepted that but I find it very, very odd and telling that HE deliberately arranged it on that date. It isn't about 'adults shouldn't care etc etc' it's the fact that he could have arranged it anytime but chose the day that deprioritised you.

I think you can do better than second fiddle recurring after himself and his own needs.

So he bought you an expensive present ages ago that benefited him also. Gave you a long list of expensive stuff he wants you to choose from for his birthday. Organised to do something with other people on your birthday although he knew you were free and didn't ask you if you wanted to do something with him on that day. Has casually assumed he'll "do something with you" the following day but certainly appears not to have great plans for something special. Has form for leaving you feel let down and unloved (even if that isn't ALL of the time).

I think there is better out there (in fact I know there is). My marriage left me feeling so totally un-special that the first boyfriend who even hinted at better after I divorced got 3 more years of my life before I realised that he may have been better than exH but he was still pretty shoddy and feeling loved and special 30% of the time was not good enough. My latest boyfriend (we are 9 months into dating) makes me feel special 100% of the time and I will accept nothing less.

You can't find better whilst saddled with this one!

It is only 8 months and maybe up until a couple of months ago he wasn't sure whether you would still be together? When was his birthday event planned?

8 months is long enough to be quite honest with each other about things like special occasions, so there's that. Personally, I think you should communicate how much celebrating your birthday with him means to you. It also depends on what you expect for your birthday, everyone is different I guess. Some people like to arrange it themselves, others like other people to do it etc. By 8 months, and if it was me, I'd personally think it was long enough to want to spend special occasions together, I mean, it's within your first year together, shouldn't you be having loads of fun and spending lots of time together? But, maybe he thinks you're not the type to complain and will do whatever he wants, or perhaps he'd read you wrong and thinks you don't care about your birthday?? Talk to him. If you've communicated that birthdays are special to you, then he should do something for you on that day, but if you haven't, then see what he has planned for you "the next night". I don't know your age, but people have different love languages and you need to figure each others out. In the mean time, perhaps enjoy your birthday with loved ones and make it special without him.

@Chubza birthdays isn't some new fangled thing we just adopted from America like Halloween

Sorry to be pedantic but Halloween (& trick or treating) did not start in America, it started in Scotland.

I've just swapped the whole weekend with my ex and I've got my night out the night before my birthday.
I'll do something lovely with the kids and please myself during the day when they're at school.

My weekend with the kids falls on his birthday too, I was going to try and swap it obviously , or get a babysitter but honestly I don't think I can be arsed now.
He was planning his in the early days of our relationship so at the time I had no idea if we'd be together or not so wasn't that bothered then later as we got more serious I'd committed to it although all the planning is happening without me .