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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 31/08/2023 13:52

How can I see things from his perspective?

Why would you want to? He’s having an emotional affair.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2023 13:53

How can I see things from his perspective?

Why would you want to? What perspective?

He is being awful, selfish & controlling.

I think you need to categorically talk to him about your needs, and the impact of his behaviour on you. He is either willing to address this, or not - and if he isn't you may need to ask yourself if this is a relationship you're happy staying in

It sounds extremely difficult. (And the self-love bit is nonsense - that's not self-love, hurting others).

Pandor · 31/08/2023 13:53

I think you need to have a similar revelation and stop putting up with stuff that causes you unhappiness

he can see where that leaves him.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2023 13:54

Frogger8395 · 31/08/2023 13:52

How can I see things from his perspective?

Why would you want to? He’s having an emotional affair.

I missed that bit!

Gosh - I need to amend my advice. You need to address this with immediately & see if there's any prospect of change.

He's absolutely awful.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 31/08/2023 13:55

You don’t need to see things from his perspective, he needs to see them from yours.

It’s fine if he has decided to have specific boudaries in his life. However you are entitled to have your own boudaries. Personally intimate relationships with other women online would cross my boundaries, as would dictating who you can speak to about what.

Sounds like he has got confused between what it means to be assertive and live authentically and just being a moody, controlling selfish arse.

minipie · 31/08/2023 13:56

I think you need to explain to him how relationships work.

Relationships always involve a bit of compromise so as please or not hurt the other person. Hopefully equal amounts on both sides.

People who are never willing to compromise are not “standing up for themselves”, they are selfish and inflexible and often end up alone and with no friends.

This is his future if he carries on this way.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:56

I don’t know whether he does still talk to her or not. She blocked me on Twitter and I don’t know what his usernames are. I guess it’s possible they still talk privately though. Who knows though?

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 31/08/2023 13:59

He’s just selfish. There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being horrible to everyone. Tell you think it’s a great idea you’re going to do the same. See how he likes it. Yes it’s petty but it’s that of fuck right off. Up to you.

clopper · 31/08/2023 14:03

He sounds a selfish arse. Does he bring any joy to your life?

zurala · 31/08/2023 14:04

I would divorce him. He sounds awful. And he's cheating on you.

Ghostjail · 31/08/2023 14:06

He can choose to behave however he likes and you can choose how you respond. You don't have to be with him. He has become controlling - he can ask you to not speak to friends your friends about your relationship but you don't have to comply. And likewise you can ask him to be more respectful and not post inappropriate messages to other women, but he doesn't have to respect you.

Let him behave in anyway he chooses, it shows you who he really is and what he really wants. And by the sounds of it, it's probably not you.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:08

Tlolljs · 31/08/2023 13:59

He’s just selfish. There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being horrible to everyone. Tell you think it’s a great idea you’re going to do the same. See how he likes it. Yes it’s petty but it’s that of fuck right off. Up to you.

I’ve tried this approach but it just fuels an argument.

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 31/08/2023 14:10

I think you should take a leaf out of his book and stand up for yourself and tell him he either sorts out his attitude problem and respects your relationship or you will leave and then leave if he refuses.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2023 14:11

Your husband has unilaterally decided to destroy your relationship under the guise of personal freedom, and he expects you to be the mug in your marriage. There is nothing to salvage here.

See a solicitor at your very first opportunity and file for divorce.

crumpet · 31/08/2023 14:13

is his new way of life one which you are enjoying and would like to continue for decades to come? If not, and he won’t change, then the relationship is over

Pumpkindoodles · 31/08/2023 14:17

Hahaha he’s hilarious
he can’t compromise because it’ll impact his happiness
ok I accept that.
but then he can’t expect you to do what he says for his happiness.
everyone’s compromising or everyone’s doing what they want. It can’t be both.

so If he’s allowed to have an affair and talk to women online you’re allowed to talk about your relationship with other people.
if he doesn’t want to see your family, or offer anything to your relationship, you probably don’t want to clean up after him, cook his meals, or any other ‘wife’ work that benefits him. It’s very simple.

if he wants to stand up for himself and this is actually the issue, he needs to at least use his brain and figure out a useful way to do this. A stupid man imposing his stupidity on others is really the worst sort.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:18

I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with him that’s driving this desire to wreck everything and badge it as standing up for himself and not ‘being spineless’.
He thinks I’m playing the victim because it suits me for him not to change. I really don’t think I’ve been a domineering wife. Maybe I have. I’m wracking my brains trying to understand this all. And at the same time not be emotional about it - as that’s me being a victim. What does he want me to do?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 31/08/2023 14:19

He is acting like a grumpy single man.

Is that really what he wants to be? If so perhaps it is time to grant him his wish.

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2023 14:22

There's a difference between self love and selfish.

He's married, emotional affairs are wrong.
The other stuff maybe you could argue he has a right to do. But not flirting with some other woman.

He hasn't decided to stop tolerating bull, he's decided to stop caring about his own wives feelings. Hes decided that his right to fun and comfort trump his own wives right to be respected and loved.

It's over op.
You need to get out of there. He doesn't respect you and you cannot ever change YOU to fix HIM. Stop chasing scraps and go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2023 14:23

Its no point in trying to work out what is going on in his head. Goodness alone knows what your kids make of their father now?. How is he with them day to day anyway?.

All you can do is help your own self and your kids ultimately by leaving him.

tt9 · 31/08/2023 14:23

I think your hubby is mistaking self care with being a wanker.

personally I would give him a taste of his own medicine and remove said person from your life

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2023 14:24

Ps: it's abusive as he is gaslighting you by making you feel you don't even have the right to your own feelings.

Your feelings are absolutely valid.

DeeCeeCherry · 31/08/2023 14:25

Tbh I read your post with a vision of yawning and telling him to fuck right off with his boring 'me me me', and that he could continue with whatever his stance on life is, but I'm not interested.

He sounds like a pain in the backside who's nowhere near as important as he thinks he is. Well, maybe important to you. & how unkind of him to cut off his Mum for not having exact same political views as him.

Why can't you stand up for yourself, do you have reason to be scared of him? He has his own life and stupid attitude problem, he's no longer interested in you and you'd be an absolute mug to stay. Sounds like a life of unhappiness and arguments why on earth would you want to stay for years of that, in this 1 life? You could, you know. .practice some self care and decide you don't want a man that makes you unhappy around

VeridicalVagabond · 31/08/2023 14:26

Maybe nuking his entire life and all his relationships and having an EA with some online bint is his version of a midlife crisis?

I'd be seeking divorce for this behaviour to be honest. Not only is it disrespectful and obviously making you unhappy, it's also deeply unattractive.

RandomMess · 31/08/2023 14:29

He wants you to put up & shut up.

Earn money, take care of the DC, him & the house whilst he does what he wants.

So far his plan is working nicely. He's unhappy because he doesn't have the balls to leave you for his affair partner.

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