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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
FoghornUnicorn · 31/08/2023 15:04

This reminds me of the recent story about Jonah Hill and his ex. He was using terms like “boundaries” to try and get away with controlling what she could do, who she could speak to, etc. Sounds like your husband is doing the same with “practising self care” - not the same as being a selfish cunt, I’m afraid.

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2023 15:04

To be honest he sounds like a selfish, controlling arse. But just to play devils advocate it could be the onset of a mental health problem if all of this has come from a sudden snap decision. Bipolar disorder springs to mind if he’s suddenly controlling and suspicious.

namechangealerttt · 31/08/2023 15:05

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2023 14:11

Your husband has unilaterally decided to destroy your relationship under the guise of personal freedom, and he expects you to be the mug in your marriage. There is nothing to salvage here.

See a solicitor at your very first opportunity and file for divorce.

This 👆

Loopylooni · 31/08/2023 15:05

Im confused @SpectacularSalt why you seem to have your head in the sand about this other woman? If it were me, id be dumping him/making plans to get rid immediately. You dont seem like you are concerned enough? Are you waiting for him to leave you?

RhymesWithTangerine · 31/08/2023 15:06

You sound absolutely normal and sane.

He has gaslit you into ignoring his emotional affair and abuse of your family.

You will need your wits about you to deal with this. But know this: YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT and trust your instincts.

AgnestaVipers · 31/08/2023 15:07

He's not on your side, is he?
Unless you think he's capable of improving his EQ, I'd separate. Looks like you'll co-parent well together.

RandomForest · 31/08/2023 15:07

This situation and the level of self entitlement from him is going to make this a very toxic situation if you begin to kick back.

This worries me, he obviously thinks he can control you in every way, how you think, how you feel, these are huge red flags for abuse.

Do you think he has the capability to be aggresive if he loses control of the situation and of you ?

You need to confide in others, a light needs shedding on this.
Make sure you call the police if there is any hint of aggression, he sounds the type to control your need for help as well as support.

hylian · 31/08/2023 15:08

Having an emotional affair and expecting you to be fine with it isn't 'self-love'. It's emotional abuse. He's gaslighting you.

Doingmybest12 · 31/08/2023 15:08

He sounds like he is not very well to me. I can't tell if this us part of his personality anyway but exaggerated or a new persona. It sounds like an utterly miserable way to live. Sorry but I think he needs to seek help or you need to leave him.

FOJN · 31/08/2023 15:17

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:18

I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with him that’s driving this desire to wreck everything and badge it as standing up for himself and not ‘being spineless’.
He thinks I’m playing the victim because it suits me for him not to change. I really don’t think I’ve been a domineering wife. Maybe I have. I’m wracking my brains trying to understand this all. And at the same time not be emotional about it - as that’s me being a victim. What does he want me to do?

He wants you to do whatever makes him happy at any given moment and not complain about it. How do you feel about that?

Let's face it your husband is a self obsessed dick who is having a midlife crisis at everyone else's expense.

Stop indulging his bullshit and wondering what he wants you to do and start thinking about what YOU want to do.

GoodWillDrafting · 31/08/2023 15:17

Oh, dump the fucker. He sounds like a selfish, controlling bore.

shoeawsome · 31/08/2023 15:20

Honestly I 'd divorce him!

frozendaisy · 31/08/2023 15:20

So he can talk to whom he wants online, who you don't really know who they are, but I bet my house if he fell ill in real life none of them would could running round with chicken soup.

Yet you can't talk to anyone in real life whom would come round with chicken soup.

Have you tried playing his game and saying you will talk to whomever about whatever for your own self care.

See how that goes down.

GingerIsBest · 31/08/2023 15:20

The illogical nature of his thinking is kind of mind-blowing. So, you are not allowed to have an opinion or any input into any of his actions or behaviours BUT at the same time, he is allowed to tell you what to think, feel and do?

No no no.

I think your answer has to be "well, if I can't tell you what to do, that's fine, but then you don't get to be involved in anything I am doing or saying."

That will most likely be a red flag to a bull to him so I suspect his shitty behaviour will ramp up.

I'm very sorry OP but without some changes from him, I'm not convinced this relationship is salvageable.

Seaweed42 · 31/08/2023 15:21

"Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years"
Don't tell him then.
I'm presuming for example you don't go home and say 'I was telling Gillian that you won't come to Mum's party next week and she thought that was weird too'.

What's has your sex life been like in the past year? Has that changed?

All in all it sounds like he's being very very difficult.

If he decides to cut people out of his life, then you are entitled to tell people about those choices. Including your friends and family.

He can't try to make you cover for him or make everything all nicey nicey so everyone still thinks he's a great lad.

Iknowthis1 · 31/08/2023 15:27

Is it possible that he is unwell? Is the new behavior very out of character for him or did he always have some of these tendencies?

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 15:28

Can you leave him? He's right, you know - no one needs to put up with other people's shit behaviour. He is showing you that this behaviour from him is what to expect from now on. It is now your choice if you want to accept that.

WestwardHo1 · 31/08/2023 15:28

Yuck. Many men go through ridiculously immature and self indulgent mid life crises, but this one takes the biscuit. How repellent.

ZadocPDederick · 31/08/2023 15:29

So does this life change mean that he puts himself first every time, i.e. his wishes must always triumph over what benefits you or your children?

How does he make out that his decision not to see your family means you can't see them without him?

I just don't understand his logic here, if indeed there is any logic.

natterer · 31/08/2023 15:29

If he is spending a lot of time online, some of this behaviour might come from there. Is he interested in 'men's rights'/incel-adjacent material? The mention of him not speaking to his mum because their political views are not aligned made me think of this although of course you don't say what his political views actually are. But a lot of men this age are being borderline radicalised by online misogyny.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 31/08/2023 15:29

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

This is the most worrying out of it all I think, as it sounds like he’s having some MH issues.

I completely understand putting yourself first and so many times I see people (especially on MN) being a martyr and sacrificing their own happiness to suit someone else.

But when you are in a relationship there does have to be a compromise.
It would never work if you both just looked out for yourselves.

Him not speaking to his own mum is completely his own decision and has nothing to do with you.

Him not speaking to your family should be a compromise by say him just seeing them on special occasions.

Him arguing on the internet, although worrying and embarrassing is nothing to do with you.

Him speaking and making friends online with women - fine.
Him sending them heart emojis, calling them gorgeous or being shady about it is absolutely not fine and is completely inappropriate.

He is either going through a midlife crisis/MH issues or he’s having an affair.

I think you need to start putting your foot down and telling him that a relationship is a partnership and he either chooses to stay in the relationship which means compromising on some things or he gets his own way all of the time and that means ending the relationship.

Tbh I think of you chose to end the relationship you’ll be giving him exactly what he wants.

WestwardHo1 · 31/08/2023 15:30

Just another example of a man seeming to think he is entitled to an extraordinary life while their bit part players (their wives) support them uncomplainingly in the role.

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 15:36

Wow. So he doesn't see that there is a middle ground between self-care and utter selfishness? Not only is he putting himself first, but he seems to genuinely think that everyone else should put him first too!

That's some really...special thinking. Either he is trying to make you leave him so he can play the poor, abandoned spouse, or he is an unredeemable cretin. Neither is a great option, to be honest.

VesperLind · 31/08/2023 15:40

BiL had a similar moment- his version of being his authentic self involved spending £100k on prostitutes. Not surprisingly he’s now divorced. Continues to live authentically though and despises people who he thinks don’t.

Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2023 15:45

Ultimately you need to forget about his wants, his opinions, his needs and avoiding his arguments. Why are you concentrating on him when you should be focussed on you?

You’re fucked off with his behaviour and he doesn’t need to agree with you for this to be true. So many women on these relationship boards put up with so much shit because the husband doesn't ‘agree’ with the wife’s assessment of the situation. So what? Tell him he’s being a prick and he needs to buck up or you’ll see him in a divorce court.