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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
teawamutu · 31/08/2023 15:46

Kick the selfish, nasty fucker out.

Northernlass99 · 31/08/2023 15:48

It is not self-care, he has checked out of your relationship. But he hasn't quite got the balls to leave it yet. Tell him you are also not dealing with people who make you unhappy and hence you are leaving him, see what the reaction is. You need to stop trying to please him when he is not making any effort to please you. Get your financial ducks in order first though.

Pipsquiggle · 31/08/2023 15:48

If he hasn't got the emotional intelligence to accept that marriage is a partnership and therefore there has to be compromise on both sides then is it worth staying?

Kellogg1 · 31/08/2023 15:49

His happiness is separate from you (other woman), his family is separate (NC with your side), he refuses to compromise anything unless it makes him happy and he doesn’t plan on taking your feelings into consideration at all. He’s 50. If this is the decisions he is making now you have potentially 30/40 years of misery ahead as he continues to become an old arse.

You’re already separate minus housework and kids. What’s the point? Life is to short and you should be happy.

im sorry but he’s selfish and you can’t change a selfish person

Mycatisthebestever · 31/08/2023 15:50

Ah he's reached the stage of " it is my happiness that is important, I have spent years as a husband and father earning blah blah". It is usually accompanied by an an affair.

FabYouLus · 31/08/2023 15:50

The most important thing I have learned about relationships over the last 60 years is that I have control over ONLYwhat I think, how I choose to feel, and how I choose to behave. Even with those closest to me. I'm thinking, maybe focus first on protecting your own boundaries. Sounds like he is on some kind of emotional journey. Let him do him? You do you. You have a right to ask for what you need. If he can't give you that in the way you asked for iot, can he provide what you need from him in some other way? (What DOP you need from him? Reassurance? Respect? Good manners? Back up? ) It always helps to dial down the drame. Cut to the chase - what do you need? What can he give? Find the bridge. xx

Lonzdale34 · 31/08/2023 15:51

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:18

I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with him that’s driving this desire to wreck everything and badge it as standing up for himself and not ‘being spineless’.
He thinks I’m playing the victim because it suits me for him not to change. I really don’t think I’ve been a domineering wife. Maybe I have. I’m wracking my brains trying to understand this all. And at the same time not be emotional about it - as that’s me being a victim. What does he want me to do?

So he's allowed to be an arsehole and do as he pleases but you're 'playing victim' if you dare to express your own feelings on anything??

OP he sounds manipulative, controlling and bordering on abusive/ narcissistic. Why put up with this crap?

Let him go and live his sad little life alone if he's not going to participate in family life anymore. Think about what you want and he can f* off.

QualityCorner · 31/08/2023 15:51

If one person has no regard whatsoever for the other, that's not a relationship.
A relationship is how you relate to each other- interaction, negotiation and compromise are all part of this. If he only does what suits him, and takes no account of your wishes/ feelings/ needs, then he's not in a relationship.

NettleTea · 31/08/2023 15:52

he sounds like he has got into some of this toxic male rights stuff. Perhaps he is worried that he isnt an Alpha, because that either makes him a cuck or an incel.

there is alot of crap out there to suck in disaffected men reaching a certain point in their lives and looking for who to blame (clue, its NEVER themselves, and they are encouraged to target people who they inevitably label as the cause, rather than looking at the far wider social/political/financial crisis we seem to be living through) look out for him hating on feminists next

HappyCatty · 31/08/2023 15:52

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 14:08

I’ve tried this approach but it just fuels an argument.

Show quote history

And? Why are you trying to keep the peace and play the good wife? Why are you allowing him to treat you like a doormat. How old are the children and what are they seeing? That mum is miserable and dad treats her like rubbish. Is that what you want them to learn about the dynamics of a husband and wife? Wait until the kids are out and then I think you need a full, explosive blow out at him. Tell him exactly how selfish he is, how he cannot do exactly what he wants and tell you what you can and can't do. And then do exactly what he has been doing. Speak to your friend, what is he going to do? Because you are after all, following his shining example and following the same self-love rules he is following. Tell him he has to give you access to his phone because that will make YOU happy and tell you about this other woman who makes HIM happy. Basically blow some sense into his tiny brain.

If that fails. Leave. And I NEVER say that lightly, but is this really a way for you and your children to live because I'm sure they are expected to follow his rules and keep him happy too!

Purpleavocado · 31/08/2023 15:54

He's gone so far up his own arse, he can't and won't see anyone else's viewpoint. I don't always say LTB on these kind of threads, but I am in this case. He's messaging someone else, he's putting his ego above his family and generally just being a massive twat. What's in it for you to stay with him?

QualityCorner · 31/08/2023 15:54

Sounds like HE wants to split up but isn't prepared to take responsibility for breaking up the marriage. So, subconsciously or consciously, he is behaving like a nasty twat. You then say, I'm not having this! and bingo! it's your fault the marriage is over, and he's the poor victim. Not his fault bla bla bla

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 15:55

VesperLind · 31/08/2023 15:40

BiL had a similar moment- his version of being his authentic self involved spending £100k on prostitutes. Not surprisingly he’s now divorced. Continues to live authentically though and despises people who he thinks don’t.

Hm. This is what I fear.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 31/08/2023 15:56

Well it’s over isn’t it, unless he is struck by lightning and snaps out of his self-destruction.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/08/2023 15:56

Insisting others make you happy is ridiculous. Happiness and love is a completely two way street. The more love and happiness you give out the more you will receive. Happiness and love also means sacrificing self for others.
if he doesn't know this at 50 then I think it's probably too late.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 15:59

FabYouLus · 31/08/2023 15:50

The most important thing I have learned about relationships over the last 60 years is that I have control over ONLYwhat I think, how I choose to feel, and how I choose to behave. Even with those closest to me. I'm thinking, maybe focus first on protecting your own boundaries. Sounds like he is on some kind of emotional journey. Let him do him? You do you. You have a right to ask for what you need. If he can't give you that in the way you asked for iot, can he provide what you need from him in some other way? (What DOP you need from him? Reassurance? Respect? Good manners? Back up? ) It always helps to dial down the drame. Cut to the chase - what do you need? What can he give? Find the bridge. xx

Thank you. Cutting out the drama is my favourite option. I know what I need from the relationship. I kind of think I know he’s no longer in a place to give it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 16:00

Gettingbysomehow · 31/08/2023 15:56

Insisting others make you happy is ridiculous. Happiness and love is a completely two way street. The more love and happiness you give out the more you will receive. Happiness and love also means sacrificing self for others.
if he doesn't know this at 50 then I think it's probably too late.

No, he’s more in the camp of ‘if you think I’m an arsehole, I will cut you out of my life and only spend time with people who do make me happy’

OP posts:
muddyford · 31/08/2023 16:01

So he does what he wants but objects to you doing the same?

Toonali8 · 31/08/2023 16:03

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 16:00

No, he’s more in the camp of ‘if you think I’m an arsehole, I will cut you out of my life and only spend time with people who do make me happy’

Show quote history

He is going to be lonely in the real world with just those internet fiends for company.
You deserve a partner who wants to spend time with you and support you.

Redshoeblueshoe · 31/08/2023 16:04

He is an idiot. I would LTB

specialsauce · 31/08/2023 16:05

He's not actually standing up for himself though is he? He's not being assertive and addressing issues he has with real people in real life. He's is being a coward and running away from real life and replacing reality with made up online relationships, arguments and characters.

He seems to have lost the ability to face reality.

If you're already doing all family and friends socialising alone then it's probably time to make the next step and prevent him from making your life anymore miserable.

What a selfish man. Stay strong OP

NicePinnylove · 31/08/2023 16:09

Apart from the element of control, he obviously doesn't want you talking about your relationship problems (problems he's created) because he knows he's wrong and he doesn't want everyone else to know what a dick he's being.

He can't tell you not to talk to your loved ones. Confide in them.

It also sounds to me like this new persona was partly created to get you to react, so he can tell his friends how ridiculous you are. He obviously won't tell them how ridiculous he's being. From his side of the story, he'd be the victim.

Whatever it is, midlife crisis, mental health issue or a drastic personality change, you can't put up with his behaviour. Especially not the seedy online affair.

You can't see things from his perspective, because his perspective is twisted. Time to think about what's best for you.

Skybluecoat · 31/08/2023 16:10

Oh dear. What a stupid man.

All relationships come to an end one way or the other. I would say it’s time to cut him loose.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 16:11

specialsauce · 31/08/2023 16:05

He's not actually standing up for himself though is he? He's not being assertive and addressing issues he has with real people in real life. He's is being a coward and running away from real life and replacing reality with made up online relationships, arguments and characters.

He seems to have lost the ability to face reality.

If you're already doing all family and friends socialising alone then it's probably time to make the next step and prevent him from making your life anymore miserable.

What a selfish man. Stay strong OP

This was part of the argument we were having this week. He stopped speaking to my sister nearly 2 years ago because of something she did. It wasn’t the nicest thing to do but I ended up in the middle of the argument, with her just shouting at me because he wouldn’t speak to her. He still is waiting for that to be resolved by her coming directly to him. When I pointed out that all that does is put me in the firing line, his response was that I should be defending him and his views. And until he receives her apology, he decided he’s got no need to speak to her ever again. So I have to keep making excuses at family get togethers as to why he isn’t there so that I don’t have to have his argument by proxy.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2023 16:13

What this boils down to is that your marriage is over in all but name. Living with you is practical and convenient for him. But he doesn't actually like you or care about you or want to make any effort to please you. So why bother with him?

‘if you think I’m an arsehole, I will cut you out of my life and only spend time with people who do make me happy’

Well there you go. He is an arsehole who only wants to spend time with people as long as they let him get on with doing exactly as he pleases. Including you. Well, that's a two-way street, there's no reason why you should stay with him if he doesn't make you happy and he doesn't even want to try to make you happy.