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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/09/2023 16:40

Leave him. You've told me enough to justify that already.

PhilMitchellsleatherbomber · 04/09/2023 16:52

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/09/2023 15:57

I can’t understand his reaction at all.

He doesn't like you and he doesn't want to be with you. So the least little thing you say irritates him and gives him an excuse to vent his spleen at you. He doesn't value you enough to rein it in.

He's snappy, selfish and unpleasant. There doesn't have to be a "why".

This is the crux of it, he doesn’t like let alone love you, I wouldn’t even bother to try to understand, it’s fruitless and you will drive yourself mad. I hope you are in a financial position to leave and start your life afresh without this hideous man dragging you down.

Pipsquiggle · 04/09/2023 22:47

Has he ever shown any empathy prior to this 'taking no shit' mantra?

I find it bizarre that he can change so suddenly.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 05/09/2023 10:41

@Pipsquiggle Yeah, he was different pre-kids and hitting 50. But then aren’t we all?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 05/09/2023 10:47

Just looking back through all of the discussion here, there’s a broad theme of LTB. Which is definitely the nuclear option. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about what a life lived alongside each other might look like. If I had a separate social life, family life, hobbies etc. I’m worried that that will lead us further apart, especially because of his shift work. Like I say, sometimes we only see each other for 30 mins a day for up to 10 days in a row. How do other people deal with partners who work opposite shifts to them? And keep your marriage together?

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/09/2023 10:59

he was different pre-kids and hitting 50. But then aren’t we all?

Not like that, no.

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about what a life lived alongside each other might look like. If I had a separate social life, family life, hobbies etc.

It wont look like a marriage. It will look like two people sharing a house who get on each other's nerves.

How do other people deal with partners who work opposite shifts to them? And keep your marriage together?

You're asking the wrong question. If they like each other and enjoy each other's company then the marriage can be made to work around shift patterns or whatever other stressors come along. Unfortunately that's not what you've got.

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 13:49

@SpectacularSalt

Separate social life, hobbies, etc - is the only option available to you - unless you decide to make your life limited to his grumpiness and only socialising with people he approves. Etc
Think about what that life would be like….

Why would you want though?
And why would you care about keeping being married to a person who so clearly DOESN’T care about keeping your marriage going???

His crisis would either pass or would get worse. I dont actually think you need to ltb now. Wait and see. Just dont completely forget yourself and your needa

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2023 18:58

SpectacularSalt · 05/09/2023 10:47

Just looking back through all of the discussion here, there’s a broad theme of LTB. Which is definitely the nuclear option. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about what a life lived alongside each other might look like. If I had a separate social life, family life, hobbies etc. I’m worried that that will lead us further apart, especially because of his shift work. Like I say, sometimes we only see each other for 30 mins a day for up to 10 days in a row. How do other people deal with partners who work opposite shifts to them? And keep your marriage together?

I mean, how much further apart can you be? He's already basically said "I will be living my own life. I'll slot you in whenever I feel like it, but we will be doing what I want to do. And you will 'comply' with my wants because that will make me happy. And I deserve to always be happy and it's your job to see that it happens".

DH and I worked opposite shifts for the first 3 years of our marriage. There was nothing to 'deal' with, per se. We just lived our life secure in our love and respect for each other and appreciated the time we had together (basically noon Saturday til about 2pm Sunday). We didn't have to 'work' at keeping our marriage together because we knew we were working for the good of our family and that 'our time' would come. The next three years he worked out of town 4 days a week. But it was the same thing. We didn't have to 'work' to keep our marriage together. We were a team in double harness, you know?

The problem is not that you work 'opposite shifts'. The problem is that your 'd'H is a selfish shit. As far as the chorus of 'LTB' I think you have 3 choices; leaving and making a new life for yourself, staying and living your life ONLY according to his rules, or forming your own life within the marriage. The first would be scary but freeing, the 2nd soul destroying. But that 3rd option will be virtually impossible to do with him because he is expecting you to cater to him in all your decisions. It would be different if he wanted a 'marriage of convenience' where you both go your 'agreed upon' separate ways within the marriage but do not impose your 'separate way' on the other party. But that's not what he wants. He wants to have his 'separate way' and he wants YOU to facilitate it.

I'd choose option 1. I'd rather live in a bedsit eating pot noodle and be free to live my life as I want over living in a mansion eating filet mignon with someone who had such callous disregard for me or for anyone else for that matter. And remember: It's better to BE alone than to be wishing you were!

Edited for missing word.

wotanarse · 10/09/2023 12:02

So move. There is civilised life outside London.

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