Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:
- compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
- speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
- For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
- Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.
He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.
When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?