DH’s brutal take on self love

[SpectacularSalt]

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

• compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
• speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
• For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
• Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

I do not think you should even attempt to see things from his perspective, OP.

He is being cruel and manipulative. He is having an affair and throwing it in your face - you're not even allowed to challenge him about it.

That's outrageous. I would be making plans to split up. People who refuse to discuss important issues with their spouses are being very cruel and selfish.

Do you still love him? Are you still having sex?

A real adult would have the courage to address this and resolve it for the sake of the wider family. He's a coward unfortunately and he's scapegoating and triangulating you and your sister.
I imagine your family and friends will be greatly relieved if you separate. They are probably holding back saying how awful he is in order to try and keep the peace.

And when I ask him what his long term plan is, for never speaking to people again and how that might affect me, he thinks I’m being unreasonable and that I should be able to work it out myself. I’m lonely and isolated by all of this. Constantly doing stuff on my own.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him.

So he's got to an age where he thinks he's put up with everyone else's shit and he shouldn't have to anymore.
So when do you reach this age, and tell others you are going to put up with this shit anymore? Or does this not also apply to women?

He's emotionally abusive and manipulative and this is just an excuse to justify it and gaslight you.

If he thinks this entitles him to treat you as a doormat rather than an equal, then he should just leave. You are not his support human.

Tell him, you don't agree and you are not obliged to back him, because you've reached an age where you aren't going to put up with shit from everyone who thinks you should be a doormat.

Any response to the contrary about how you aren't worthy of the same, just shows up his hypocrisy.

Whats driving this, is he wants the prat about with another woman and he want you to suck it up and put up with it, because hes a selfish cunt who wants to have his cake and eat it.

Do you want to be treated like this? Are you this much of a fool?

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't see you as an equal. He thinks of you as his possession and its his right to do whatever the hell he likes without question.

He's not a nice man

No, he’s more in the camp of ‘if you think I’m an arsehole, I will cut you out of my life and only spend time with people who do make me happy’

OP soon he'll only be spending time with himself then.

I would do the same as him, and spend no time around him at all while I seek legal advice on divorcing him. If he doesn't like it then tough, aren't they the rules he's created?

And that clearly includes you, OP.

He has checked out already. Your relationship is not equal because he is being emotionally abusive and using words to hurt you as much as he can.

He is having an affair at the very least and chatting to other women as well - probably online sex chat workers.

Have some self-respect and start making plans to leave him.

He wants you to do his bidding and to be his doormat. He doesn't want you to think for yourself. He wants you to put up and shut up.

He doesn't want to be the guilty party for being an arsehole. He's gaslighting you into believing that you've done something wrong and its for you to fix yourself and appease him.

He's just basically a selfish arse who doesn't give a shit about you. And you are playing the 'pick me' game by pandering to it. It gives him power. He's trying to impose controls on you and your life.

If you want your own life, you will no longer have it with him. That ship has sailed.

What’s the true story here op. Are you financially reliant on him? Why are you unable to stand up to him properly. Letting him abuse you, humiliate you even, when he’s publicly flirting with this other woman, and isolate you.

why is you’re going in position how can I learn to accept this even more ? This “change” is clearly not the first time, he’s been abusive for a long time, your sister is just one example.

he’s doing it because he can. He can do what he pleases. Why are you staying and putting up with it?

His long-term plan is irrelevant.

Yours, however, is not.

Get some legal advice about divorce. Your relationship is over, and your STBXH is being really cruel to you, trying to make you think you're at fault.

You're not at fault and it is not your job to try to understand him or support him.
What would you say to a daughter who was in this situation?

Indeed. He wants you to end it, because he's too gutless to.

Then he can play the 'i've been so hard done by' card to all who will listen. Friends, family etc. Especially the poor women he's trying it on with.

Do want he wants. And don't look back. You deserve better.

How you can see things from his perspective is realising that you too don’t have to deal with negativity and can give yourself a big batch of self love by binning this tit off.

Sounds like the Script to be honest. The character change can happen before they get together, or during, or after. Deciding that it is OK to be selfish can be the cause of an affair or a symptom.

Did anything else happen, e.g. someone dying, shortly before he started acting differently? Were there any changes of workplace, or at the workplace? New people, not being promoted, changing departments? Did he mention meeting someone new? How and when did he meet this woman?

Whether he's having an affair or not, I'd look up the Script, as he's treating you awfully and you're trying to work out how or why it could be your fault and what you might do to change it. You're banging your head on a brick wall. Did it myself, and it hurts.

He’s not acting differently though. He’s clearly been like this for a long time. The sister thing was at least a year before this.

Is he making YOU happy ? It doesn't sound like it, I would send him om his way

You absolutely need to believe that you are not at fault here, OP.

You have done nothing wrong and you are not responsible for the breakdown of your marriage.

Your husband is trying (and succeeding) in making you feel guilty - that it is your job to understand what is happening. You cannot. It is not comprehensible. Whatever you think or say, he'll have an answer for it, putting you in the wrong.

Channel some anger and start planning to divorce this awful man. You deserve better than this.

Ask him for the best How To he has found and join him. Use his own language and attitude when discussing something that doesn't really matter, so you don't bothe get too emotional, and ask him how he envisages being able to compromise when you are both practising the attitude he thinks is absolutely fine for him to adopt.

He needs to meet himself, the brick wall he is presenting to you. If he can see it and club down all is good. If he can't then you will know, he has checked out of your relationship and doesn't consider you as important, to be cherished any more

Good luck

You don't need to see anything except that this is an excuse for the affair he's having with this so called " friend". He's pushing you away.. his family away and friends away.. all signs of an affair.. I'm afraid to say.

I would just go and see a divorce lawyer now, tbh.

Sorry, but this is no way for you, or your DC to live.

Wow, he really just passes the buck and all the problem solving back to you doesn't he?

I'm not surprised you feel lonely and isolated - he has systematically and purposefully attempted to cut you off from all your forms of love and support, your friends and family.

Please put yourself first now and don't attempt to follow this man's flawed approach to life. You will feel so much less lonely without him weighing you down. Your friends and family will come flooding to support you - you'll see.

the thing is that if he chooses not to speak to anyone again and you're doing stuff alone, he doesn't get to dictate how you do that. So if you say to your sister - yes, he's an asshole but please don't talk to me about it because I can't change it - he doesn't get to have an opinion.

But if you're lonely and miserable in your relationship then clearly the relationship is dead.

I’m lonely and isolated by all of this.

He's abandoned your relationship, OP. It's no wonder you feel this way.

He wouldn't do it if he cared for you.

You say that he's working weekends - has he been doing more "overtime" or "work trips"?
And he doesn't come with you on family trips - are those also long periods of time when you don't know where he is?

The first step I took in your situation was to go out and look for new friends. Clubs, activities etc. My children were also at secondary school so I could go out. I was in my 40s, so many of the other people also looking for friends were divorced. So on one hand I was less lonely, and on the other I was not just with married couples.

You seem to be focusing on him not socialising with your family - which in itself might not be the worst thing about this scenario. Loads of people go nc or lc with family members and in-laws, and I think that is the one aspect of this situation that you may have to accept.

The emotional affair is completely unacceptable. So is trying to control what you discuss with your friends and family. So is his very rigid thinking about not compromising.

I think it might be worthwhile for you to try to separate out which of his behaviours are red lines for you. Because arguing about whether he or your Dsis need to apologise first is getting bogged down in unimportant minutiae when there are other much more important issues at play.

When he doesn't go to events don't make excuses for him - just say he doesn't want to come.

Didn’t most people realise well over ten years ago that arguing with people online is completely pointless?

He sounds like he’s either lost the plot or isn’t very bright or both.