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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 10:58

ZadocPDederick · 01/09/2023 10:53

Why make excuses and get into this argument? Can you not say either that if they want to know why he's not there they will need to ask him, or alternatively that he's not there because he is currently in the grip of some sort of idiotic delusion about how to run his life? I know that this is likely to lead to questions about why you are still with him, but surely you are able to answer those?

Show quote history

I know that this is likely to lead to questions about why you are still with him, but surely you are able to answer those?

GrinConfused

northernlight20 · 01/09/2023 11:33

Your husband is abusive. He's isolating u from family and friends and gaslighting you.

Thelonelygiraffe · 01/09/2023 11:34

If my h called me 'a know-it-all bitch', I'd leave him.

This is not self care. It's emotional abuse dressed up as self care. Self care means setting boundaries and being firm about those. It doesn't mean setting boundaries for other people, or being abusive when they fail to stick to the boundaries you have set for them.

Seriously, OP, why are you still with him?

harerunner · 01/09/2023 13:03

I'd tell him his behaviour is making your relationship impossible, so either he drastically changes, or it's over. If he doesn't change, or doesn't change enough to make you feel content in the relationship, you leave and get a divorce.

Gellhell · 01/09/2023 13:26

This is the cult of modern selfishness.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2023 18:49

You don’t have a marriage left to kill, he’s already done it, very effectively. He’s trying to isolate you by demanding that you support him, or telling you how awful you’ve been to no doubt bitch about him when you’ve been to see friends etc. Why are you clinging onto this relationship? It’s dead.

toxic44 · 01/09/2023 19:59

Sounds like midlife crisis but his response to ageing is immature and very selfish. You say if you copy his behaviour it makes a disagreement. I expect it does. That is how he controls you. He is a bully as well as all the rest of his nonsense. Head for the hills. If he wants to do only what pleases him, he needs to live alone.

BackAgainstWall · 01/09/2023 20:38

You’ll never reason with him because he’s brainwashing you.

His behaviour is foul and I think you should seriously start thinking about divorcing the narcissist b*stard.

Stravaig · 01/09/2023 22:03

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia MGTOW is a new one to me. There's a paragraph in the Ideology section of their Wikipedia entry which must appear to adherents to be accurately reinforced by Mumsnet threads on a daily basis!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 22:20

Stravaig · 01/09/2023 22:03

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia MGTOW is a new one to me. There's a paragraph in the Ideology section of their Wikipedia entry which must appear to adherents to be accurately reinforced by Mumsnet threads on a daily basis!

When you've been conditioned to think that the natural order is that wives should be submissive bangmaids, women standing up for their own dignity and rights will seem like misandry.

LogicVoid · 02/09/2023 09:19

Walks like a duck. Talks like a duck. Looks like a duck. He's abusive. Wake up.

ImNotWorthy · 02/09/2023 11:09

And quacks like a blooming duck!

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 04/09/2023 14:30

So, we’ve tried to talk about things this weekend and not made much progress.
He says I criticise him constantly (I really don’t think I do) and that he doesn’t know what more he can do for me. He says he doesn’t drink or take drugs, doesn’t go out socialising, have an expensive or time consuming hobby, game online or gamble. And yet still nothing he does is good enough for me and I complain all the time. I think this is part of the ‘take no more shite’ ideology he’s following.
But is this him asserting himself? I don’t know what I’m supposed to think now. I feel like I need to suppress anything I might say about something that isn’t right for fear of being told I’m ungrateful and I’m criticising him.

OP posts:
Jacopo · 04/09/2023 14:35

Yes he’s got you exactly where he wants you, hasn’t he? Classic mental abuse and gaslighting here. DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He’s behaving atrociously but if you criticise him you’re just being a nag. “Nothing I do is ever good enough” is such a cliche from these people.
The future will just be more of the same, please get away from this twat.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 04/09/2023 14:36

Classic darvo.

You probably can’t find a way of requesting to have your needs met without him holding it against you or turning it around so it’s your fault.

My STBXH always did this, which is part of why we’re separated.

GingerIsBest · 04/09/2023 14:37

well, if you criticise him constantly (according to him) and you're not happy (according to both of you) then the answer is to separate. Because it's pretty obvious he's not interested in changing so it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong - you aren't happy and he isn't going to change.

PuzzledObserver · 04/09/2023 14:47

For me it would depend what kind of things he says you’re criticising him for.

If it’s the way he folds his shirt or that he forgot to put the bins out, I could see his point. If however you’re complaining that he messages other women online, is suspicious about what you talk to your friends about and tries to dissuade you from phoning your mother, then that’s another thing altogether.

Some complaints/criticisms are justified.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 04/09/2023 14:52

Well Saturday’s ‘criticism’ was a question about why he’d opened a new bottle of milk when we had one open already. I literally just said ‘oh you’ve opened another one. There’s still some left in this one’ and he went off on one about how I’m always criticising every little thing he does and why can’t I just not say anything. It seemed to me like he snapped at me over a passing comment but to him it obviously felt like yet another snippy remark from me about how useless he is. Why though? I can’t understand it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 04/09/2023 14:54

If the situation had been reversed I would have probably said ‘oh I’m in a world of my own today. I hadn’t spotted that’ and thought no more of it. I know I can’t expect someone to react as I would react, but I can’t understand his reaction at all.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/09/2023 15:10

@SpectacularSalt - sudden personality changes can be either years of resentment - or some medical thing. For e.g. loss of social graces and becoming selfish is part or dementia symptoms.
However - st this point the cause of what is happening to him isnt important. I think its more what do you do with it…..

In your place - i’d try to survive the next few years while kids are finishing schooling. Observe what happens with his ‘changes’ - ie is that a temporary midlife crisis that goes away or permanent change. And while doing it - prepare for separating when kids are gone.

I’d try to stay away from attempting to change him atm - he wont hear you. I’d also not put life on hold - and would continue to see family and friends. Wont cover for him though - tell them H is having some sort of breakdown and needs to be on his own.

It isnt easy - but its a pragmatic way forward. And alternative - divorcing now would be much more traumatic for more people.

Chelsea543 · 04/09/2023 15:21

Put aside his recent changed behaviour. Are you happy in your marriage? Do you feel loved, supported, respected, and content? Even before he announced his new take on life it sounds like he was behaving in an unacceptable way for a married man, such as having this emotional affair - just because they talked politics he was still prioritising this woman over you. Not only that but calling her gorgeous on a public platform for all to see - that’s just disrespectful.

Id really look at what’s in this marriage for you. Life is too short to waste being miserable and you certainly can’t change him, he has let you know who he intends to be from now on.

My ex isolated me by making it difficult for me to see family/friends. It became embarrassing turning up to everything on my own with our kids and one day someone said to me you are a single mum in a relationship and actually it was easier to be alone and less problematic. The day I left him was such relief for all of us. I’m sure your children must pick up on the fact dad doesn’t go to any events and his mood swings.

You can’t change him or his behaviours all you have the power to do is change your own life.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/09/2023 15:57

I can’t understand his reaction at all.

He doesn't like you and he doesn't want to be with you. So the least little thing you say irritates him and gives him an excuse to vent his spleen at you. He doesn't value you enough to rein it in.

He's snappy, selfish and unpleasant. There doesn't have to be a "why".

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2023 15:59

SpectacularSalt · 04/09/2023 14:30

So, we’ve tried to talk about things this weekend and not made much progress.
He says I criticise him constantly (I really don’t think I do) and that he doesn’t know what more he can do for me. He says he doesn’t drink or take drugs, doesn’t go out socialising, have an expensive or time consuming hobby, game online or gamble. And yet still nothing he does is good enough for me and I complain all the time. I think this is part of the ‘take no more shite’ ideology he’s following.
But is this him asserting himself? I don’t know what I’m supposed to think now. I feel like I need to suppress anything I might say about something that isn’t right for fear of being told I’m ungrateful and I’m criticising him.

It is one of two things: either you are 'overly critical' to some degree OR he's using a well-known tactic to shut you up so he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

I had one like that. He made me feel like a judgmental and controlling bitch. I became afraid to mention even the most unreasonable behaviour and as a result, he walked all over me. A good friend sat me down and said that I needed to take a good long look at our relationship and think about whether or not I was really so critical or if he was gaslighting me into submission. I figured out that, although I wasn't perfect (who is), the things I 'complained' about were generally things that would bother others too, or were simply 'observations in passing'. And that he was using this as a controlling tactic to enable him to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. And, funnily enough, to enable him to criticize me as much as he wanted to. I ended the 'relationship' right away. Luckily we weren't living together so it was a simple 'fuckity bye bye, arsehole, don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you'. He was astounded.

So, I think you need to do the same. Sit down and analyze. Be brutally honest with yourself. And if you find that your comments 'are within normal limits' (and you probably will) then you need to make a decision. Either split with him and be happy in your own home or stay but make up your mind that you will live your life 'in spite of him', doing your own thing, too. This will be somewhat 'freeing', but you won't be totally happy because he will still be in 'your space' making his selfish decisions, some of which are going to impose on you and your life. Those are your two choices, because he's not going to change.

GingerIsBest · 04/09/2023 16:08

SpectacularSalt · 04/09/2023 14:52

Well Saturday’s ‘criticism’ was a question about why he’d opened a new bottle of milk when we had one open already. I literally just said ‘oh you’ve opened another one. There’s still some left in this one’ and he went off on one about how I’m always criticising every little thing he does and why can’t I just not say anything. It seemed to me like he snapped at me over a passing comment but to him it obviously felt like yet another snippy remark from me about how useless he is. Why though? I can’t understand it.

Aaah, but his self love means he's not willing to ever accept that he's done something wrong. So it might well be that you were overly snippy over a relatively small thing, but it's also 100% true that he's being a twat.

The point is that he seems to have reached a point where being questioned is not okay - whether that's over why he opened milk or whether it's why he's messaging other women.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/09/2023 16:20

The other thing to look at is the direction of travel: is he becoming nicer or getting worse? You don't have to sit around sucking it up and looking for rreasons while he gets angrier and snappier and nastier. If it's getting worse then that's a good enough reason to leave.