DH’s brutal take on self love

[SpectacularSalt]

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

• compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
• speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
• For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
• Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

😂👌🏼

It seems that he is not seeing himself as married: i.e. part of sheltering each other - looking out for each other's wants and needs -being emotionally and physically faithful etc.

He sees you as married though. You are supposed to look out for him and support his 'side' in things.

Clearly, this is a one-sided attitude.

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant and selfish individual who is manipulating and emotionally damaging you (and possibly children).
The red flags here to me are red flagging.
Emotional affair at best
Either put your big girl pants on and stick up for yourself (cleverly and confidently) or get ducks in a row quietly. Maybe you should be selfish rather than tip toeing around this manchild

The fact that he did it at all though .. and with everything else, particularly refusing to spend any time with your family is just shit of him and really dark. Could it be a post-pandemic/lockdown thing as well as turning 50? I think it has affected a lot of people in an anti-social sort of way.

My DP also has attitude problem and makes no effort with my family either, which is embarrassing (they deserve much better) and on the vary rare occasions in a year when he is forced to, is still bitching about the encounter months later.

So I sympathise (personally, constantly thinking of leaving and how much more peaceful and nice life would be afterwards - you surely must be thinking these thoughts too, no?) Awful behaviour.

He is having an affair and justifying it by saying he had a right to be selfish. I'm sorry he is doing this to you. He wants you to leave so he looks the good guy but you know the truth

To be fair, if thiscwas a reverse, you'd be slated for being unsupportive.

I wonder if your DH spent a while putting up with shitty people and getting on with life and you've been complacent? You don't sound like you'd want to be involved in any conflict ever. That's a very frustrating stance (my DH is that person and I'm so done with thos attitude, from personal experience). You say your sister's behaviour was bad, but you don't want to take sides and keep making excuses for why your DH stopped engaging with her. Why don't you say honestly to her, you've acted shit and you should apologise, speak to him directly, it has nothing to do with me? If she doesn't then why should he put up with it? Stand by him. Why are you only focusing on yourself and how you're the poor one in the middle? You're not. You put yourself on the fence and you overdramatise instead of being open and honest with people.

FWIW, I think your DH is going through a midlife crisis and, sorry to say, he doesn't like you. I think it's pretty clear he's on his way out of this marriage and you should prepare yourself. He also sounds like he's found more than a friend in that woman, why else would she block you on SM. That's really poor behaviour from both of them.

What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

How can you when he's not being reasonable? Has he at all tried to see things from your perspective? It doesn't sound like it.

Slightly different perspective from me but probably same conclusion

He is entitled to have boundaries, including not mixing with people who make him unhappy. I’ve got two friends who will not see their in laws and the dads have to do visits, take kids etc without them. So even in a marriage I think that’s reasonable, yes. I believe you marry the individual, not that you marry into a family, but I realise that’s a minority view.

I have been single for years but recently had a very short relationship which might have started because I was having a bit of a crisis - not just that, I found him adorable too in fairness.

But one thing that raised alarm bells for me at the start was him being heavily involved with a big family. Some of whom sound pretty unpleasant because…get this…they’re obsessed with arguing on Twitter and won’t tolerate alternative views! Loads of family rows about politics. Yet he really wanted me to meet them. I bumped into his brother before I ended things and the brother said “why haven’t you come to the pub with us yet”. Sounds like a nightmare to me is why though obviously I just smiled and said oh I will do soon …

That almost reads like a full circle. Your husband has the right to live as he wishes but that may mean you don’t want to be married to him anymore. And he sounds as if he’s behaving like a single man in other ways. Sorry OP.

So what's the real issue with him and your family?
Are they rude to him ?

Apart from the speaking online to other women, I'm not seeing the real issue.

Is he treating you differently since his "had enough "stage.

Buy him a copy of the play Peer Gynt by Ibsen.

In the play "Peer Gynt" by Ibsen, there is an exchange between the Troll King and protagonist Peer Gynt:

Under the skies men have a common saying:
"Man, to thyself be true!" But here, 'mongst Trolls,
"Troll, to thyself be - enough!" it runs.

Basic point is the trolls think being yourself is "enough", the only thing you have to do, and so run roughshod over everyone else and wind up friendless and miserable. Doesn't end well for him.

OP, you can ask him these questions all you want, and you may never, ever, get a straight answer. So it's up to you to make a decision. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you (is emotionally cheating on you). Doesn't care about your feelings.

You will be freer without this sack of crap baggage who goes behind your back and doesn't care about you anymore, only about his own selfish self.

Leave him to it. He can fuck right off.

Well he's got every right to have become "his authentic self"

Doesn't mean you have to love that version of him, though.

He's being a manipulative toad, ditch him.

Well first of all the emotional affair would have been it for me because I wouldn't get past it, but for some of the other stuff I don't think he's necessarily wrong.

speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc

I think this part is fine. If he doesn't want to speak to them he doesn't have to, and yes it makes things difficult for you, but pandering to relatives or inlaws you dislike is something a lot of people can only do for so long and then they've had enough.

So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me.

In what way? Does he criticise you for going? Is he starting arguments with you or are you starting them by not accepting his decision not to go and be around them?

Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.
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He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.

We all need someone to vent to, but I can also understand why someone wouldn't want to be around their partners friends if they thought the friends knew all their relationship issues. How does he know you talk to him about your relationship problems? My friends tell me theirs but I assume they don't tell their partners/husbands that they were discussing them with me.

This was part of the argument we were having this week. He stopped speaking to my sister nearly 2 years ago because of something she did. It wasn’t the nicest thing to do but I ended up in the middle of the argument, with her just shouting at me because he wouldn’t speak to her. He still is waiting for that to be resolved by her coming directly to him. When I pointed out that all that does is put me in the firing line, his response was that I should be defending him and his views. And until he receives her apology, he decided he’s got no need to speak to her ever again. So I have to keep making excuses at family get togethers as to why he isn’t there so that I don’t have to have his argument by proxy.

Why was she shouting at you that he wouldn't speak to her? Was she trying to speak to him? It sounds very odd tbh
Why did you start making excuses at family get togethers though? Why not just be honest? When people fall out with family they don't tend to go to get togethers, that's normal. The first time they asked you should have just shrugged and said "he refused to come after the argument" instead of making excuses.

He sounds insufferably self absorbed. Fuck him. I can stand the egoism of people like that. Not speaking to his own mother because their politics differ. No one can cope with different options anymore. He sounds like an entitled snowflake ❄️

He has checked out of your marriage. Time to start planning a future without him in it.
You will be free from walking on eggshells and second-guessing his mood, you will be lighter and more alive.

It's nothing to do with self-love. Your DH is a stereotypical abuser. He's having at least an emotional affair. He's trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
Go see a counsellor on your own. Respect yourself and your DCs. He's an awful example for them. You need to leave him.

@SpectacularSalt he's doing all this because he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants all the benefits of a single life, do what he wants,when he wants,with whom he wants, with all the comforts of married life but none of the responsibilities. Also, at best he's having an emotional affair, at worst it's a full blown affair.

You need to start doing what makes YOU happy and start disregarding his bullshit. So what of you argue? What's the worst that can happen? He leaves? He's already checked out of the relationship anyways.

I could have written your post OP. Exactly the same. H hit middle age and all of a sudden he is fed up of having to be someone else that everyone else expects him to be and he's going to do whatever he wants regardless of the consequences.

I put up with it trying to help him thinking he had mental health problems. He showed no sign of wanting to save the marriage so I left. I'm heartbroken, but not exposed to what was very abusive behaviour at the end, and I can see my life is better.

Think very carefully about what you want. If my experience is anything to go by it will get worse and worse until it crosses a very serious line.

But of a coincidence his new stance on life just happens to be when this new woman comes into his life. If he isn’t having an affair, I think he wants to and would if she were up for it.

May as well do stuff on your own officially then.

I knew someone who went through a similar thing. They fully swallowed the idea that you are not responsible for how other people feel and basically became an abusive arse. The philosophy means that it’s your responsibility to stand your ground and prioritise yourself over him.

May I suggest that you meet him where he is? Tell him that he is right to follow through on what he needs to stay psychologically healthy and that you will endeavour to do the same. Then try to stay firm. Tell him that you’re not responsible for his feelings. Push back against everything that doesn’t make you happy.

OP this is very straightforward. You tell him that you respect his wishes to not put up with any more shit. In fact you are in so much admiration of his new found outlook on life that you are going to emulate it, and then do exactly that. It will lead to divorce but I think that’s on the cards already. You cannot continue being a doormat to this arsehole.

Are you afraid of him?

Was he a total doormat before?
If so, perhaps he's trying out a new persona and going too far. Online argument - well, I do this, DH points it out, I rein it in. I'm guessing he won't do that, if it makes him unhappy you can point it out but he's an adult.
Relationships with people that affect you (relatives, his gal pal) - he is in a marriage/family. If he wants to do things that affect the other members of his family he can either be considerate or stop being a member of that family. He is not the only person in your marriage.

I am pretty sure that a physical affair would be the end for me but I don't know about an emotional affair. Maybe you can come back from that. Only you can decide.

@RedToothBrush

So he's got to an age where he thinks he's put up with everyone else's shit and he shouldn't have to anymore.
So when do you reach this age, and tell others you are going to put up with this shit anymore? Or does this not also apply to women?

I've seen lots of threads on here about the perks of getting older, and a common theme is that many women say they stopped putting up with other peoples shit or being around people they didn't want to be around and are applauded for it.

If I got to 50 and said to my partner I wasn't going to put myself through being around his family anymore and he wouldn't accept that then I would be fuming.

OP said she goes alone and then he gets more pissed off so more context is needed because if she's just going alone and then he gets pissed off that she went then yes that's controlling, but if it's a case of her trying to get him to go and then complaining to him that she had to go alone and how she had to make up excuses etc then it's her that's starting the arguments, not him.