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Original poster

Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

285 replies

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:36

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 29/08/2023 16:49

Freeme31 · 29/08/2023 12:28

Why do you think you can't stand up to him & have compromises - is it normal for him to always get only his own way ? Id say your marriage has bigger problems than overnight visitors. Btw you are completely in the right he's being an arse

This. I wonder if your husband has a veto power in your house? Does he do such a thing in other situations or is this the only one, because I think it makes a big difference. I spent 25 years with a man who would never agree to do/buy things that he did not want. It did not matter that I wanted it and that it was my money/time/life/house too. If I would try to argue that as a grown woman, a mother of three with a full-time employment, I should be able to have things I want in my life, he would say that he too has same rights, so if I want it and he does not how do we decided who wins. In the end, I would mostly give up because his reasoning would wear me down, literally twist my brain in knots and in the end, I would not even know what I was arguing about. I have finally left him, two year ago, because I could not live like that any more, he was driving me crazy. But even now, when we are apart, I do not see myself winning this kind of argument with him.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/08/2023 17:28

For example I like going to parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning. If DH had his friend over they'd be catching up. It DH had his friend and their wife over (who I don't know well because she's the wife of DH's friend, not a couple that is a mutual friendship) then I'd hate feeling like I've got to cancel my plans to hang around the house and 'host' someone.

I like doing Parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning too. Having things you like to do doesn't mean you have to do them literally every time. Parkrun isn't going anywhere- it's on every Saturday every year. I can't imagine resenting missing it very occasionally to be sociable to guests.

From early in our marriage, we occasionally had dh's uni friends (and their partners, if they had them, and later their wives and children) to stay, or went to stay with them. I didn't know them at first, but they became my friends too.

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2023 17:40

I like doing Parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning too. Having things you like to do doesn't mean you have to do them literally every time. Parkrun isn't going anywhere- it's on every Saturday every year. I can't imagine resenting missing it very occasionally to be sociable to guests

I'm happy to be sociable with guests who are either my friends or mutual friends.

I'm happy to be sociable with family on both sides.

I'm not interested in giving up a large chunk of my weekend to make small talk with someone who is DH's friend's partner who we see infrequently.

We have children, dogs, jobs and hobbies that take up our time, energy and add value to life. I don't see why it's my job to give up a small part of my me-time on a weekend for someone who is at best an infrequent acquaintance.

DeedlessIndeed · 29/08/2023 17:42

If they're mainly the OPs friends then surely you don't need two people to entertain guests for the entire trip. Could DH not go for dinner and drinks with everyone in the evening, but excuse himself from breakfast (just apologise for the pre-scheduled appointment if he's worried that it comes across as weird or rude).

category12 · 29/08/2023 17:48

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2023 17:40

I like doing Parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning too. Having things you like to do doesn't mean you have to do them literally every time. Parkrun isn't going anywhere- it's on every Saturday every year. I can't imagine resenting missing it very occasionally to be sociable to guests

I'm happy to be sociable with guests who are either my friends or mutual friends.

I'm happy to be sociable with family on both sides.

I'm not interested in giving up a large chunk of my weekend to make small talk with someone who is DH's friend's partner who we see infrequently.

We have children, dogs, jobs and hobbies that take up our time, energy and add value to life. I don't see why it's my job to give up a small part of my me-time on a weekend for someone who is at best an infrequent acquaintance.

If the guests are more his friend(s) than yours, then surely you just say to them the night before something to the tune of, "I'll be doing park run etc tomorrow, if I don't see you before you go, it's been lovely having you" or invite them along. It's his job to do the hosting, not yours. I wouldn't see anything rude in that as a guest as long as he was still around.

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2023 18:08

If the guests are more his friend(s) than yours, then surely you just say to them the night before something to the tune of, "I'll be doing park run etc tomorrow, if I don't see you before you go, it's been lovely having you" or invite them along. It's his job to do the hosting, not yours. I wouldn't see anything rude in that as a guest as long as he was still around
Me neither, but apparently being in a relationship means you should be willing to give up things you enjoy to entertain people you're acquaintances with because their partner and your partner are friends.

Thankfully you, me and my DH have common sense.

GLORIAGloriarse · 29/08/2023 18:17

He is being unreasonable if it's as seldom as you mention and you don't have a steady stream of your friends and family coming in between. Especially your American cousin who you must really look forward to seeing. Make clear he doesn't have to join in, he can make an early exit to bed or out in the morning. As long as he is polite people will understand.

Key to me though is how often are people coming overall? If this is very regular and he is trying to rein it in overall then you might want to discuss that. I wouldn't want people staying every couple of weeks.

category12 · 29/08/2023 18:29

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2023 18:08

If the guests are more his friend(s) than yours, then surely you just say to them the night before something to the tune of, "I'll be doing park run etc tomorrow, if I don't see you before you go, it's been lovely having you" or invite them along. It's his job to do the hosting, not yours. I wouldn't see anything rude in that as a guest as long as he was still around
Me neither, but apparently being in a relationship means you should be willing to give up things you enjoy to entertain people you're acquaintances with because their partner and your partner are friends.

Thankfully you, me and my DH have common sense.

Wondering if it's a sexist thing where the woman is being expected to do all the hosting whoever the guest is. In which case, they should tell them to stick it.

JST88 · 29/08/2023 18:31

Agreed

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2023 18:52

Wondering if it's a sexist thing where the woman is being expected to do all the hosting whoever the guest is. In which case, they should tell them to stick it.
I think it's often more expected of women, but in this thread the partner does seem to be getting a healthy judging.

I think in the OP's situation if her DH's objection is that he wants to do his own weekend thing and feels the pressure to host when there's extra house guests then he should ok the house guests for cousin as they're family, but the hosting expectations remain on the OP and he'll be doing his own thing unless there's something specifically they're all wanting to eg meal out.

I don't think he's unreasonable overall. When people start bringing partners it easily develops a feel that it's a couple social thing rather than two friends socialising and one friend has brought a partner along.

Mojoj · 29/08/2023 18:55

"Putting his foot down" made me laugh. Seriously? You're a grown woman. Tell him to suck it up.

Katmai · 29/08/2023 18:56

AbraKedavra · 29/08/2023 16:05

If the shoe was on the other foot and the husband wanted to host guests against the wishes of his wife, then he would be a selfish git. Right now he's just asserting his will not to have guests forcibly foisted upon him in his own home.

Show quote history

That's not what I meant, sorry. I didn't mean he'd want his friends to come against the OP's wishes, I just meant that if they were his friends instead of hers, he'd be much more happy for them to stay. Which is why I said he was a selfish git.

TheYadaYada · 29/08/2023 18:57

He sounds awful. I’d be telling him ‘tough, I’m inviting x and x anyway’.

But I guess if you were the type of person to stand up to such a weird control freak, you’d not be in a situation whereby your husband is not ‘allowing’ you to do something innocuous and normal.

Howdoesitworkagain · 29/08/2023 19:01

He’s being weird. It’s not like you’re asking him to accommodate random couples for a swinging party 😂

If it’s just because he can’t be bothered making an effort with guests, I’d expect him to suck it up now and then - maybe agree the approximate frequency of it so he knows he’ll have plenty of chilled weekends still..?

Original poster
SperaT · 29/08/2023 21:20

Thanks everyone!

If a friend/cousin and their partner comes for the night, my husband knows that he wouldn't have to stay up late if he didn't want to. I would want him to join for dinner though, to be sociable, then he could just go to bed. And then it would be nice if he joined for breakfast even if it's just for a bit, and if he doesn't have other plans.

Even if this does interfere with his Sunday morning plans, I don't understand why this would be a big deal if it's just a couple of times a year?

And to those who think he shouldn't feel obliged to be friendly to a partner of my cousin or good friend - why not? Isn't it nice that he'd get to know them a bit? And it would be as a group of 4 so it wouldn't be intense.

If I stay up late chatting with my cousin, I think it's totally acceptable for my husband to just go to bed!

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 29/08/2023 21:55

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 12:36

How is not having people to stay making her uncomfortable?! Lol.

So it’s ok if it’s the other way around and for someone to lay down the law and have their friends to stay even if he knows it makes his wife uncomfortable but it’s not ok to lay down the law and say no to having friends stay the night?

You can still have a social life and not need to have them stay over when you know your partner isn’t comfortable with it.

Show quote history

Or, maybe.... you could compromise? You know - like normal people do in a relationship?

Only have people to stay occasionally and for a short time???

Original poster
SperaT · 29/08/2023 22:30

@TheYadaYada I do stand up to him. Why assume that I don't?

OP posts:
Original poster
SperaT · 29/08/2023 22:31

....but it's hard: he said that if I just go ahead and invite couples anyway, he won't come along to any more social events with my friends.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 30/08/2023 07:51

My DH doesn't find socialising easy, he will go to bed if he is tired; he won't get up especially early to great guests in the morning, and I wouldn't expect him to.
If he told me I couldn't have overnight guests, I would suggest he should go and stay elsewhere while they are at our house.

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2023 08:18

And to those who think he shouldn't feel obliged to be friendly to a partner of my cousin or good friend - why not? Isn't it nice that he'd get to know them a bit? And it would be as a group of 4 so it wouldn't be intense.
Has anyone said he shouldn't be friendly?

Being friendly isn't the same as being expected to do joint couples social time because a partner has decided it's lovely to do things as a group of 4.

I suspect that's why he's not a fan of having couples over because there's a (spoken or unspoken) expectation of him being around to host and do thing during the day when he doesn't want to.

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2023 08:20

FWIW OP I think your cousin and partners should be able to stay over and he should also be able to go about his normal weekend, not be expected to entertain and host/do things as a 4 during the day.

ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 08:30

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2023 08:18

And to those who think he shouldn't feel obliged to be friendly to a partner of my cousin or good friend - why not? Isn't it nice that he'd get to know them a bit? And it would be as a group of 4 so it wouldn't be intense.
Has anyone said he shouldn't be friendly?

Being friendly isn't the same as being expected to do joint couples social time because a partner has decided it's lovely to do things as a group of 4.

I suspect that's why he's not a fan of having couples over because there's a (spoken or unspoken) expectation of him being around to host and do thing during the day when he doesn't want to.

Agreed.

And when OP went on to day DH has said if she invites these guests anyway, he'll stop socialising with OPs friends makes me wonder how much he's already expected to do with OPs friends/family and he's just drawn a line.

OP sounds bossy and like she likes to organise and run things her way. Wanting DH to spend most of his weekend being part of a foursome with people he barely knows seems unfair. Especially if DH already hosts OPs single friends and family overnight and does a lot of socialising with OPs friends anyway.

Sounds like the blokes just drawn a line in the sand.

deflatedbirthday · 30/08/2023 08:41

Personally I'd tell him the dates they are coming and if he feels that strongly about it he can make alternative arrangements for himself on those nights. No flipping way would he dictate to me

ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 08:54

deflatedbirthday · 30/08/2023 08:41

Personally I'd tell him the dates they are coming and if he feels that strongly about it he can make alternative arrangements for himself on those nights. No flipping way would he dictate to me

OP doesn't want that. She wants him to be there and expects him to join in with the things she wants him to do.

So that's her dictating to him.

SPF50 · 30/08/2023 08:57

SperaT · 29/08/2023 22:31

....but it's hard: he said that if I just go ahead and invite couples anyway, he won't come along to any more social events with my friends.

That is bullying tactics as he is telling you not to do it or else…………………

do you want to be bullied by him?

I’m not saying leave him, but be under no doubt he is controlling you. We are taking about a couple staying a few times a year not weekly. I would ask directly why and if he has no valid reason I.e, cousin was inappropriate with me or such like then invite them. You can’t live your life by his unreasonable rules.

please stand up for yourself on this as it is a control issue and not really about guests.