Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

What is his 'routine' and why is it so important that it can never be changed?

He’s controlling and a misogynist.

He only need to be “hospitable” when there’s another man there? Do women not merit his august presence?

Of course you can have couples to stay over in your own home.

Does he bully you on other issues, OP?

No of course it's not OK. It's
Not OK for him to be the boss of you.

Going against the grain here but I think he is compromising!

My guess is he would rather have no one stay at all / no guests ever but recognising that it’s the OP’s home too, he’s compromised on close family couples & single people.

I’m an introvert & the thought of having anyone in my home for extended periods of time is my worst nightmare! I’d too be more comfortable with close family couples (as I’d know them better) & single people so it’s less people to deal with at a time & less likely I’d have to entertain them directly therefore giving me a chance to retreat for quiet time.

I get where he’s coming from.

Why is having your friends to stay more "disruptive to his routine" than having relatives to stay?

He's not the boss of the house. Invite your friends and let him piss off to a b&b if he doesn't like it.

This is utterly ridiculous, and he's being controlling and selfish. I'd be telling my DH that this isn't his decision to make and if he feels that strongly he'll need to go and stays elsewhere on the odd occasion you have people staying over. What a knob and frankly, the fact that he's 'not allowing it' and 'putting his foot down' would get my back up more than anything and I'd start inviting people for the sake of it!

I have some sympathy with his issue, but don't think his language is acceptable. It is a shared home so you need a shared approach.

Having people to stay does put a social obligation on everyone in the household which then changes his weekend even if they are not his guests.

How often do you want visitors, how much notice does he get etc. - all affect who is BU about this.

Yes, I see where he’s coming from now.

But I would tolerate it for a few days for my partner, not “put my foot down” about it.

There may be a way to make him more comfortable with guests - keep the visits short for a start, limited to one or two nights.

And so he should make the effort as it’s important to you. He is being completely unreasonable and very rigid and a few times a year is not a lot. I would invite who you want and when and leave him to look like rude if he does not join in being hospitable. I bet if you both visit your cousins/friends he would be happy to take their hospitality.

Maybe it's a territorial thing and he can't tolerate other males on his patch, or just doesn't want you to have contact with other men. Whatever his reasons, if you accept this level of control, it is guaranteed to get worse.

Well that's deeply weird. Is it the man he has a problem with? What if you were friends with a man, would that be 'allowed'?

My best mate's married to one of our schoolfriends, so we all go back to when we were 16 (although they haven't been together all that time). Would that be allowed, if the man was your friend too?

So many questions, and yet the only answer is that he's being a dick.

I see his point there to be honest. I'd hate feeling like I had to 'entertain' someone I don't really know while my DP catches up with their friend/cousin.

The compromise is that you keep the visits short, not that only certain people are allowed.

Not that I'd tolerate this for 10 seconds, but assuming you don't want to leave the selfish controlling git, insist that he pays for you to spend a couple of nights at the same hotel as your firends, and then he can be as inhospitable as he likes at home on his own.

Yet another advantage of staying single - I get to have my friends stay whenever I want (and as many as I want) without some grumpy fucker ruining it.

He's being an arse based on what you've said and who you would like to have visit occasionally. Make it clear he won't need to entertain the other person in the house with a penis if that's really his concern.

Nah that is weird as fuck.

I would not accept being told by my husband that I couldn't have couple guests stay a handful of times a year. He might find having guests he's not intimately acquainted with to be a bit of a chore but we have to suck things up sometimes.

I think I’d struggle to have a couple stay over tbh.

If my DH wanted his friend to stay then they’d go and do their own thing and I wouldn’t be impacted but if it was a couple I wouldn’t want the DW feeling like a spare part so I’d feel I’d need to make more effort.

There’s also no need for a couple to stay when they can get a hotel.

It definitely wouldn’t be a blanket no but I’d say I’d prefer it if they stayed in a hotel and then I can get on with my day to day life as normal.

Me too.

But apparently that makes us selfish, controlling and weird 😂

Why is it not the person who wants to impose their plans on someone else which could result in the other person having a miserable weekend that is selfish?

^This^
This is as much about what you want as what he wants and you need a solution that does not include him dictating "rules" to you. You could find more room for visitors if he wasn't there.... Just saying. Men do not rule the world or the house.

Why is it not the person who wants to impose their plans on someone else which could result in the other person having a miserable weekend that is selfish?

Because the OP wanting these people to stay one or two weekends out of 52 isn't an unreasonable ask.

But no, for people like you that's too much. Your preferences have to take precedence 24/7.

But apparently that makes us selfish, controlling and weird 😂

Yes

Because the right to have friendships and a social life trumps the right to be a recluse, at least if you are in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with being a hermit, but traditionally, hermits don't get married.

I would be telling him they are coming, your cousin is family anyway

if he doesn’t like it he can go and stay in a hotel

pits both of yours house, not his alone

Has it always been so common for people not to be able to cope with the idea of having someone to stay in their house, or is this a recent thing? I honestly don't think I'd ever really encountered it until I discovered MN.

🤣🤣🤣

What’s funny is that if an OP wrote about her DH wanting his friends and their partners to stay in the spare room but she didn’t want them there, everyone would be telling them to get a hotel room and that it’s not fair to impose on their home if she’s not comfortable with it.

Good old MN.