Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

I absolutely hate having house guests but DH is the king of hosting. Therefore we have a deal: he can have guests for a whole weekend every other month (though generally it's one night) on the understanding I am allowed to be weird and hide as and when I feel overwhelmed. Most of our friends know I'm like this so don't judge me anyway, and DH is so bloody understanding and sweet that I rarely need to use my hiding time anyway.

Your DH is being really unfair to just put a blanket stop on your friends visiting. Let him know he's allowed to be weird and maybe he'll feel less anxious. But bottom line: your house too. He doesn't get to veto anything.

OP I’m sure you’ve posted about this before. It’s odd, and I doubt it’s the only area of your lives together where his opinion seems to matter more than yours. Guests every weekend would be an imposition. Once in a while, it’s fine. But no couples ever??

Nah.

I’d say ‘seems reasonable. what's the big deal?'

Because I’m a normal person in a healthy relationship.

No one should feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Everyone has the right to have their home as their safe space and not have to worry or be on edge.

If it was an emergency then it’s different but these people can easily get a hotel and the DH invite them over for the day or go to the hotel.

Your DH’s social life does not trump you feeling comfortable in your own home and it makes me sad that you think it does.

Why do you think you can't stand up to him & have compromises - is it normal for him to always get only his own way ? Id say your marriage has bigger problems than overnight visitors. Btw you are completely in the right he's being an arse

How ironic

But you approve of the OP's husband laying down the law and making her feel uncomfortable in her own home. That's cool with you.

Please don't feel sad for me. I live on my own and love it!

How is not having people to stay making her uncomfortable?! Lol.

So it’s ok if it’s the other way around and for someone to lay down the law and have their friends to stay even if he knows it makes his wife uncomfortable but it’s not ok to lay down the law and say no to having friends stay the night?

You can still have a social life and not need to have them stay over when you know your partner isn’t comfortable with it.

Why can’t your friends and family stay in a hotel?

hotels are wonderful places that make visits much more pleasant for everyone. It gives people a break from being in performance mode so stress levels don’t get too high.

Did you misread the OP? No-ones asking her to be a hermit, not have a social life , have friends or be a recluse 🤗

Her DP just doesn't want weekend guests where the person the OP really wants to see and spend time with, brings their DP who he doesn't really know and will be expected to entertain over a weekend.

He offered to take them all out for a meal so he's hardly a recluse or against socialising or friends.

And he's fine if it's a couple that's family as he knows them, will be relaxed and not feel like he has to entertain a DP that is already a spare part on the family/old friend reunion.

If you're an introvert, shy or have an anxiety disorder (or all 3 like me and maybe the DP) it can be absolutely tortuous to try and make small talk or entertain someone you don't know and also don't want to spend time with.

But if we said okay fine go ahead but seemed awkward, miserable, bored, uncomfortable or just not really enjoying the weekend we'd be accused of being selfish, grumpy, unsocial miserable assholes ruining the weekend.

So there's no way to win. It's really not that easy for everyone to just 'suck it up' and put on a happy face for an entire weekend feeling miserable in our own home.

And this did happen to me once, many years ago when I was still feeling socially pressured to try and pretend I was someone I'm not and just 'suck it up' and had my ex-DP invite an old uni friend and his wife for a weekend. I planned all the meals, scrubbed the flat from top to bottom and planned pretty much everything else which caused me considerable stress as I have an anxiety disorder.

Within minutes of arrival my then-DPs old uni friend said 'Cathy's so looking forward to going shopping and doing girlie things with you this weekend'. While she had a face like a smacked arse and I HATE shopping as an activity. It was a thoroughly miserable weekend but I didn't want to row with my DP while we had guests, and I am incredibly polite and acutely self-conscious so was tinkly laughing myself to death and on edge all weekend hoping they were having a nice time while I facilitated their nice time running round being the hostess and hating every second of it.

So yeah, i wasn't willing to do it again and have refused since.

Potential guests I don't know well or don't want to host can stay in a hotel.

You're being purposely tiresome.

Having friends to stay 2 weekends out of 52 is not laying down the law, it's how normal relationships function. Give and take. He gets his preference for 50 weeks, she gets hers for two. Two whole weekends out of the year.

And yes, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable living in a home where my husband's preferences took precedence and he informed me what I was and wasn't allowed.

Yes exactly this. You are both adults. Why is someone “allowing” their spouse to do things?

It's your home as well. Tell him to suck it up.

I would hate having other people on my house, I'm not a social person at all. Why can't these guests stay in an hotel and spend the day with them. That seems fairer, OP gets to meet up with whomever and her husband keeps the privacy of his home........

Like I said, I imagine he would rather have no overnight guests at all so from his point of view, he probably feels like he’s already tolerating it for his partner’s sake, this is probably one step too far for him now hence “putting his foot down”.

Im just speculating here but I imagine the original agreement was close family only but then it got extended to single friends as well & now OP is trying to extend it again to other couples too. There’s no way OP didn’t know what he was like before she married him so I’m guessing she probably agreed to some sort of boundaries & is now trying to move the goal posts.

As an introvert, I sympathize with him but I completely understand where the OP is coming from too. I don’t think either is wrong, I just think they’re not compatible on this issue.

So you would be unhappy if your DH told you that his friends were staying and you had no say in the matter?

Because I’m pretty sure most of us would be unhappy in that situation because the person who is uncomfortable trumps the person who can easily have their friends stay in a hotel and not make their partner uncomfortable.

Normal, healthy relationships don’t do things that make their partners uncomfortable when there is an easy alternative solution.

The fact that you think one partner should do something that makes their partner uncomfortable and have no regard for their feelings, tells me you do not know what a normal, healthy relationship is.

What is it with the false equivalence trolls? Yes there have been posts by wives fed up with their partner's guests - but the ones I recall involved the partner turning the place into a party house with his friends pretty much every weekend and basically making a family life impossible. Very different from having ONE friendly couple staying over for one or two nights a couple of times a year.

There was a thread not that long ago where the wife did not allow any overnight guests that she did not know personally. So only the cousin if she also knew cousins spouse well etc. and about 70% of the thread felt this was reaonable and that all other guests could stay at hotels. About 30% felt this wasn't reasonable.

What a strange relationship that your husband 'puts his foot down', I couldn't even imagine that with me or DH. And he's being totally unreasonable. No one wants constant visitors but it's half your house. Just invite them, and tell him. Don't ask.

Really weird

But why would I be unhappy if he had friends to say? It’s a home, not a prison.

If it was a friend who on his last visit had downed a bottle of tequila, ran around the garden naked and tried to climb into bed with us I’d say ‘maybe not'. If it was a normal bloke who had a few beers, had a bit of chat and then went to bed, why would I have any objection?

Normal, healthy relationships involve give and take. Sometimes you do things that might not be your favourite thing (attending his 5 a side football friend's wedding) but you go because it matters to them.

You are an example of someone who expect everything their way. As long as you get your own way you’re happy and think everything is going as it should in your relationship. Your needs trump all else. Can't you see how messed up that is?

It seems to me that the OP’s husband is leaning into coercive control, by telling the OP what she can and can’t do in her own home. You clearly lean this way too.

Best of luck to your spouse.

Where are all the posters who hate overnight guests? They usually come out on these threads to support an OP who doesn't like overnight guests.

I can understand if you're in a tourist hotspot, it could be tempting for CFs to invite themselves and be a nuisance. If that were the case, I could understand it, but that's not the case here.

He'd be OK if your close friend came on their own, but not their partner too?? My DH is a bit awkward around my friends' partners, especially those that he doesn't have a huge amount in common with, but those are few and far between thankfully.

He'd never say no though. He may say "do we have to?", to which I reply, "yes, I want to catch up with my friend" and he'll sigh and agree, then more often than not, have a lovely time anyway.

It doesn't happen very often but the compromise is there.

Is there anything your DH wants you to do, but you only go along with because he's your husband and would rather not? Can you use that as an opposite example if you decided you didn't like it, so didn't want either of you to go?

i.e. Christmas at your ILs is really boring, so neither you or DH are going to go anymore. "What do you mean I can't make a unilateral decision for both of us? You do."

My DH has some friends who I'm really not keen on. He'll more often than not meet up with his friend separately, but every so often I have to go out for dinner with them as a family. I put on a smile and my best performance, while inwardly not really enjoying myself, but suck it up all the same.

He has compromised though. He’s said she can have single friends and any relatives to stay.

Your version of compromise means the OP getting her own way and the DH having no say at all. That’s not a compromise

Has he given any other reason than this? This is a ridiculous reason.

What is he classing as "immediate family"? To me a cousin is immediate family.
One of my cousins is like a sister to me. I live abroad and she's been here often, with and without partners.
There is no way that anyone would be telling me she and her partner couldn't stay.

I could see his point if you wanted to have people there every weekend, but that's not the case and it's really weird that single people are ok.

If he really has got some problem with this (such as feeling overwhelmed with too many people in the house or similar) then he needs to communicate that clearly and come to a compromise rather than just a blanket no to couples.