Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

I agree.

Agreed! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

My home is my safe space and making polite conversation with strangers is difficult and uncomfortable for me. However, I would never in a million years not accommodate my husband’s friends / cousins. I’d just recognise that it’s important to him and play the part for a weekend, especially if it’s not often!

I’d do that out of care and mutual respect for my husband.

If this is the level of control you are seeing now I would ask yourself what else might you encounter in the future, especially if children are involved. By not challenging this or putting up with this you are setting yourself up for bigger issues in the future.

Protect yourself now.

Hi @McFlies , you say:
Your husband sounds autistic. It might be a leap but I'm autistic and our routines are essential and being forced to socialise is hell.

Thanks and I understand that if he was, the situation would be very different because having people in the house might cause distress.

But he is definitely not. He shows no autistic traits. He socialises with big groups of people at work events and doesn't get at all anxious. He enjoys it. It's the same for parties outside of work - he enjoys it.

Thanks for the advice that I could tell him there's no obligation to be sociable if a friend and their partner comes to say the night. I'll put that to him and see if it helps (though, to be honest, I don't think it's too much to ask if it's just twice a year).

I would say that we socialise with each others' friends an equal amount outside of the house. I enjoy getting to know his friends and their partners, and he normally enjoys coming to things with my friends. Isn't that part of being in a relationship?

If I'm reading a lot of these posts right, quite a few people seem to be saying it's reasonable that he objects to my cousin from America coming to stay the night with her husband, when I hardly get to see her.

So if she says 'hey, we're coming to London for a week, could I come stay'? I'd have to say 'sorry, you'll have to stay in a hotel but we'll meet up with you for a meal'

If it came to it, I don't think I could bring myself to actually say no. I would say says against my husband's wishes - and he would be in a grump.

I socialise quite well in all sorts of contexts and can enjoy it. No-one can tell I'm autistic. Maybe your husband is just really good at masking his autistic traits? (Of course, not everyone is autistic, just pointing out that these things don't exclude autism).

I have to be honest and say I wouldn't really like anyone stopping over at mine apart from immediate family. Fortunately my dh and I are like minded, but if we weren't I would hope his need to be social doesn't trump my need for privacy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying your husband isn't comfortable with house guests. It's a reasonable explanation. My family stays in a motel when they come, but I don't have the room for guests. I pick them up each morning and drop them back each night, so we still get lots of time together.

It's not just twice a year though, is it? Or it wasn't in your other posts.

Hi @OilOfRoses
Yes - I had said a couple of times a year for couples who aren't immediate family (cousin/good friend).

But my parents would also occasionally come (they've come twice in the past year) and also my sister (same frequency).

I have never actually had a single friend to stay since being married. But as I said, my husband doesn't object to it in principle if it's just occasionally.

So I don't think I'm sometime who has people to stay lots.

A question for those who don't like having people to stay the night and find it stressful-

Do you feel the same about having people in your home generally (e.g. for lunch or dinner)?

So a couple of times for people not immediate family. Got you now. OK, so with what you've written, that's six times a year already, before you even start thinking about adding your friends. I'd be moving out myself. That's way too much unless you have a partner with an equal enjoyment of hosting, which your husband is not. I could probably put up with a weekend every two months myself (I'm not your husband obviously) but most of my visitors stay for a week, so sod that often.

No, because I get down time around those visits. It's not constant. I don't mind people for the night but there's a limit. I wouldn't want to host dinner every weekend either though. Maybe every couple of weeks if it's eating out. I'll cook once a month for a gathering. Guests are work, which is fine in measured doses.

@SperaT just to let you know I also love socialising but it's very different if it's in your home space and you can't get away.

OP, I don't live in my country of birth, and it's a desirable place to visit - particularly in the summer. But I am not an airbnb. We have our family life and routine, regardless of whether there is space or not.

Conversely, when I visit others abroad, and unless an explicit invitation comes my way regarding accommodation, then I factor that into my budget, but I don't expect it. Often I don't want to stay in someone's home tbh. If it is a budget issue for others then that is up for a proper discussion between you and your DH. But he isn't obliged to agree if you host for up to 3 nights several times a year. Some folk just don't like house guests.

To answer your question about lunches and dinner, that depends. Hosting once a month could be considered too much by some - including me. I was more flexible years ago, but now I do find houseguests and making dinner for a table of 10 an inconvenience... nuance aside, such as people in from out of town (not staying with me) where I absolutely want to open my home and host a nice lunch or dinner.

I said so upthread, but you seem incompatible. You have posted twice about this and I don't know what else you want posters (answering you in good faith) to say.

I often have people over to dine and don't mind at all. Having people to stay is a different beast. It is not only a lot more work (2, 3 or more meals instead of 1, plus cleaning the guest suite and washing all the towels & beddings etc), it often affects my sleep pattern: no matter what the guests say, I still feel I need to be around and be ready to look after/ entertain them when they're awake so I end up going to bed late and waking up too early! That, however, doesn't apply when my family or my best mate stay over (they can please themselves or better yet cook and look after me). I do wonder if that's why your DH doesn't mind family but doesn't want couples?

A really good summary! Many MN did not read the full posts and accused OP DH for being controlling. His threat is not really a threat - stop socialising with her guests.

A question for those who don't like having people to stay the night and find it stressful-

Do you feel the same about having people in your home generally (e.g. for lunch or dinner)?

I'd only find it stressful if DH and I had different expectations.

Generally the only couples who come to stay are friends of us both so doing things as couples works. If he has a 'him' friend from when he was younger then generally they do things themselves without partners, which I like. They live far away and have remained friends but neither me nor friends' partners want to give up our weekends to entertain our spouse's friend from university. There's an unspoken acknowledgement that a visit or two a year is not going to turn me and DH's friend's partner into friends, so why waste two women's time.

I like hosting for lunch/dinner, though tend to find that when we host they're family friends so adults are generally friends and the children can play. If DH has a group of friends round then I'm obviously friendly but then get on with my own stuff, and same in reverse.

But I'm generally not a fan of the approach where partners tag on to everything. I like my space and hobbies so wouldn't have married someone who expected us to be joined at the hip socially.

Mm it depends how long they stay for. I start feeling like I want people to leave after about 3 hours.

I totally get you OP and think your husband is being unreasonable. There's something so lovely and special about those late night conversations where you sit up until the early hours catching up and reminiscing and I don't think he has a good enough reason for saying a flat out no, there's a compromise to be had in that he could say yes once or twice a year (not including your parents and sister).

After 2 hours ish I start to regret that I invited people round by 3 and a half hours I’m praying they will leave.

By 4 hours if still here I’m finding a very important call I need to make to disappear and leaving them with dh swearing never again.

I just can’t turn off or relax or whatever with people in my space. Feel like I have to be this face person and it’s sooooo draining.

Some of the replies on here...just been reading another thread (about a similar issue, but other way round where the husband invited guests the wife didn't want) where people commenting repeatedly urged the wife to "put her foot down" and tell him it wasn't happening. Yet where this OP mentions that her husband has "put his foot down" it's immediately assumed he's a controlling a*hole. Bloody hell!

I solved that issue by not having a spare bed! No spare bed no place for someone to stay. I've had people over on occasion but I just find it such a hassle and then cleaning before and after, it isn't relaxing.

There has been a compromise. Relatives can stay, friends can’t. I think that’s reasonable if he would really rather nobody came ever.

The thread is from last August...

People are entitled to make their own rules no matter how daft they seem. But there are 2 people here, OP, it’s your home too and he is not the king!