Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

He's a prick!

See, i think YOU just come off as incredibly selfish and intolerant of anyone who doesn't experience the world your way.

It's so odd to me that you think "You are an example of someone who expect everything their way. As long as you get your own way you’re happy and think everything is going as it should in your relationship. Your needs trump all else. Can't you see how messed up that is?"

When that's entirely what you're proposing. You're saying OP do what she wants and not care that it makes him unhappy.

This isn't a case of being a parent where you sometimes have to do things you're not interested in because it makes your DC happy. This is a case where an adult person has said I don't want to do this, I don't enjoy it, it makes me UNHAPPY and you're saying tough shit buttercup, relationships are about doing things that make you miserable sometimes..to please your DP. When there is an easy, convenient solution where the DP doesn't have to be made to feel uncomfortable, unhappy or miserable at all and the proposed guests book a hotel and OP can spend all day every day with them if she wishes and they part at bedtime.

It's so strange to me that you think a healthy relationship is one person does things that causes them distress to please the other person.

are you another one who is happy as long as they're getting their way all the time?

you're the boss of the house and anyone who upsets the boss or proposes a normal event that the boss doesn't like is being utterly unreasonable.

It's so strange to me that you think a healthy relationship is one person does things that causes them distress to please the other person.

'distress'

these people are always about the hyperbole too. Doing something that might not be your favourite thing to do has to be equated with 'emotional distress'. Such classic controlling language.

I would hate it too. I understand where he's coming from. He probably feels like he's already compromising, as PP said.

What is this “couples can easily get a hotel” stuff? London hotels are about £150 a night these days, for nothing special. That would definitely put me off visiting a friend with a spare room who wouldn’t let me use it. Indeed, PILs are like this and don’t let us stay even though they have plenty of space. So we rarely visit.

If DH wanted someone to stay and I really didn’t want to be around them, I would go away myself to visit someone and leave him to it.

Or I would say “fine to have them over but I’m still going to go to the gym and do my usual Saturday stuff and you can tidy up and set up beds for them”

It would be divorce for me (Well wouldn't have married the arsehole in the first place).

But if you don't want that, then anything other than compromise isn't acceptable.

There's no good reason whatsoever that his wants trump yours. None.

You want couple guests 4 times per year. He wants guests zero. Solution and compromise equals 2.

You want couple guests 4 times per year. He wants guests zero. Solution and compromise equals 2.

He’s already doing this though, he wants zero guests but is compromising by saying close family couples & dingoes are fine so according to you it’s OP being unreasonable then.

I see his point there to be honest. I'd hate feeling like I had to 'entertain' someone I don't really know while my DP catches up with their friend/cousin
I agree with this.

For example I like going to parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning. If DH had his friend over they'd be catching up. It DH had his friend and their wife over (who I don't know well because she's the wife of DH's friend, not a couple that is a mutual friendship) then I'd hate feeling like I've got to cancel my plans to hang around the house and 'host' someone.

I'd like to suggest OP's partner says "that's fine, they can stay as a couple but it's your responsibility to host and I will be continuing with my weekend plans", but know that the unspoken social pressure is there.

Weird.

What's the point of having a guest room if having guests is such an imposition?

If you're only proposing a couple of overnight stays once in a while, not people staying for long periods or frequently, he's very unreasonable.

Why does the person who doesn't want guests get to impose their views 100% of the time? Why do your feelings trump your partner's?

The rules do seem really arbitary OP. Close relations OK, more distant (eg cousin) no. Single people yes, couples no.

I'm another. 😃

I'd compromise and agree to a partner's family member/s but strangers in my home would be a struggle.

My partner's like your OH, he hates having his routine interrupted (up early, outside most of the day, very happy to cook and entertain in the evening). I had to point out that most people, especially me, would prefer he keeps out of the way rather than hang around being grumpy. He just needed the permission.

He will accept dingoes? Blimey, I missed that bit! 😂

The rules do seem really arbitary OP.

Not really, it makes sense to me.

Close relations OK - he probably knows them better so feels more comfortable with them in his space & more importantly they know him so won’t have expectations of small talk, get offended if he takes a breather etc.

more distant (eg cousin) no - she lives in America so there’s a good chance he might not even know her or if he does, not that well. The cousin doesn’t seem to be the problem though, more her partner who could be a total stranger to him.

Single people yes - OP can keep a single person entertained herself with no expectations of him i.e. none of her friends are going to expect to socialise with him without OP there, whereas a male partner of her friend might expect that of him i.e. let’s go for a drink / play golf / out to eat pie & mash while they catch up etc. This puts him in a difficult position.

couples no -

1. He’s fine with close family couples, it’s just friends or more distant couples he has a problem with i.e. people who could be virtual strangers
2. Like it or not, there is often an unspoken expectation / pressure for everyone in a household to host - even kids are expected to play / entertain other kids. For example, OP says she wants to stay up till the early hours with her cousin to catch up, well what’s the cousin’s partner going to do? Even if he joins in, there will be the unspoken expectation for her husband to also join in or keep the partner entertained, her husband can’t exactly slope off to bed & leave the partner like a spare part. I’m sure we’ve all experienced what it’s like to be in a group of 3.

It’s also the uncertainty of it all, with people you know, you know what to expect. With strangers, there’s always an eliminate of surprise.

I’m not saying he’s right, just understand where he’s coming from.

Ah, you're one of those who don't believe in introvertism or anxiety and think everyone should just suck it up and do what the extroverts want to make the extroverts happy. You enjoy it or don't find it hard so everyone has to conform to your view of the world and what everyone should do.

That's a bit controlling isn't it?

Dismissing mental illness and personality traits because it inconveniences you and you don’t like it and want everyone to be like you.

Seems fair...not.

Oh dear, I should probably edit that! Who knows though, dingoes may be more preferable to him 🤣

I was rarely enthusiastic about multiple visitors for hours or longer, but I can't imagine bringing myself to think about saying no without a very good reason to do with that specific person :-s

There is no obligation to do anything particular, besides not being rude really. We take personal responsibility for our time management and how we spend our time. My ex had people around on quite a regular basis. If I wasn't feeling particularly sociable, I would just get on with doing my own thing and be polite whilst doing that. If it was appropriate that'd include offering to make people hot drinks if I was making one or help with preparation and tidying up. I'm not sure anyone sensible really cares that much, its not unusual to have an odd number in a group, a considerate group works the conversation to keep everyone included, entertained and help out doing stuff if necessary. It wasn't always friction-free, but there was some understanding and acceptance I think, that that's who I was and I wasn't trying to be difficult

I think giving the other person 'permission' not to join in the whole time is probably the best solution. I'm ok with people I know well and with whom I'm comfortable staying in my house, but others not so much. For a few years, DP had a seemingly endless string of Australian relatives to stay - just for a night or two. I hated it, even though they were lovely people, but I didn't know them (and neither did he) and I don't want to get to know people by having them land on my doorstep to spend the night.

This is true. One partner can't bring someone into the home if the other partner is against it. This is basic decency.

He's being a selfish git. If the shoe were on the other foot and they were his friends, then he'd be fine about it.

If the shoe was on the other foot and the husband wanted to host guests against the wishes of his wife, then he would be a selfish git. Right now he's just asserting his will not to have guests forcibly foisted upon him in his own home.

I totally get how having houseguests disrupts your routine and it's more comfortable to just not have them. But I also get that staying in touch with people who don't live near you is important, socialising is ultimately a positive and it has to be done a few times a year. You can have your routine disrupted once in a while and it's OK! So on that level I think ultimately the husband is being unreasonable. I also wonder why he feels he has to be hospitable to a man and not a woman? That seems pretty misogynistic.

The posters saying "why don't they stay at a hotel" are ridiculous. Hotels cost money. It would feel incredibly rude to invite a friend into your house for food, drink and socialising, but to insist they spend money on staying somewhere else. I cannot imagine saying that to a friend!

However if his issue is that the couples he objects to comprise one of OP's close friend and a partner he doesn't really know well, I do understand where he's coming from. Overnight houseguests should be close friends, and mutual friends of both partners - not people who are relative strangers to one of them.

Sorry he sounds unpleasant and rude. I would not put up with such disregard for my feelings.