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Original poster

Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

285 replies

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:36

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

OP posts:
ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 09:13

SPF50 · 30/08/2023 08:57

That is bullying tactics as he is telling you not to do it or else…………………

do you want to be bullied by him?

I’m not saying leave him, but be under no doubt he is controlling you. We are taking about a couple staying a few times a year not weekly. I would ask directly why and if he has no valid reason I.e, cousin was inappropriate with me or such like then invite them. You can’t live your life by his unreasonable rules.

please stand up for yourself on this as it is a control issue and not really about guests.

Show quote history

He's being really unfairly judged on this thread in my opinion.

It's the OP who is being controlling and this is about guests. DH offered to take everyone out for a meal as a compromise. OP says no that's not good enough because she wants to sit up chatting till the early hours.

But she's not saying you do your own thing DH, she expects him to join in with dinner and breakfast to be sociable and make an effort to get to know the stranger DH who's a spare part in the weekend.

That's what her DH is objecting to. Not socialising, or having guests, or even having couples he knows stay. He doesn't want to have to make up a foursome.

OP is unwilling to compromise and is trying to dictate how her DH gets to spend his weekend in his own home.

He's not the bully.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 30/08/2023 09:35

Making polite small talk with your other half's friends is one of the mildly boring duties that go with marriage surely? Assuming it's a relatively infrequent occurrence.

Josell12345 · 30/08/2023 10:17

Omg what a control freak. 100% would be telling him to get well and truly stuffed with that. Hes not your bloody mam.

Maltaw · 30/08/2023 10:20

CherryBlossom321 · 29/08/2023 10:49

He sounds weird.

There are loads of MN posters who can't stand having strangers or people they don't know in their houses.
Some people really dislike it.

I don't think it's unusual.

Original poster
SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:03

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/08/2023 12:19

Has it always been so common for people not to be able to cope with the idea of having someone to stay in their house, or is this a recent thing? I honestly don't think I'd ever really encountered it until I discovered MN.

I was also wondering how common it is to object to someone staying in your house occasionally, because everyone I know in real life have people to stay sometimes (if they have the room). Is there a vocal minority on Mumsnet, or are there more than I think?

OP posts:
Original poster
SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:08

I understand that there's a limit and that some people feel anxious about having strangers in the house.

However, these people are not strangers. E.g. my husband has met my American cousin and her husband before, and he liked them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:18

@GLORIAGloriarse you asked how often people are coming overall.

The answer is not that often.

My parents have come to stay twice in the last year, and each time for around 3 night. My sister has stayed twice in the last year.

When a good friend has asked to stay the night with her husband, I've had to say no. So we haven't had friends to stay.

I've told him I'm totally happy for his family for friends to stay. But his family stay in hotels.

And in terms of socialising with friends generally - he sometimes comes to events with my friends (maybe once a month on average), and I go to events with his friends. But we often see our own friends separately too. So I really don't think I've pushed him or pressurised him into socialising with my friends too much, as some PP are suggesting.

OP posts:
ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 11:28

SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:08

I understand that there's a limit and that some people feel anxious about having strangers in the house.

However, these people are not strangers. E.g. my husband has met my American cousin and her husband before, and he liked them.

Then why not tell DH that he can do what he likes that weekend if they stay over as they're your guests and there's no issue?

But you've said your DH doesn't want them to stay because he doesn't want to feel obligated to make up a foursome so it's easier for you to catch up with your friend/cousin and their DH isn't the 3rd wheel. You expect him to join in with dinner to be sociable and at least part of breakfast and you expect him to make the effort to get to know the cousin and her DH. And that if that interferes with his plans or is not what he'd enjoy, so what?

Your DH offered a compromise of taking everyone out for dinner and socialising and you said that wasn't enough, you want them to stay so you can sit up with your cousin or friend chatting.

But you dont just want that, you expect him to join in making a foursome when it suits you and it's okay for him to go to bed once he's fulfilled his social obligations - the ones you are imposing on him that he doesn't want to do. How generous of you that you don’t also expect him to sit up into the early hours and he's allowed to go to bed.

ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 11:38

SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:18

@GLORIAGloriarse you asked how often people are coming overall.

The answer is not that often.

My parents have come to stay twice in the last year, and each time for around 3 night. My sister has stayed twice in the last year.

When a good friend has asked to stay the night with her husband, I've had to say no. So we haven't had friends to stay.

I've told him I'm totally happy for his family for friends to stay. But his family stay in hotels.

And in terms of socialising with friends generally - he sometimes comes to events with my friends (maybe once a month on average), and I go to events with his friends. But we often see our own friends separately too. So I really don't think I've pushed him or pressurised him into socialising with my friends too much, as some PP are suggesting.

So out of 12 months of the year, there's been 4 months where he's happily hosting your family for up to 3 nights a time.

And you never host his family or friends because they don't impose and stay in hotels?

And so if he agreed to host the friends you want overnight, that'll be six months of the year where your family or friends are staying over a weekend.

And he goes to social events with your friends once a month?

And you go to some events with his friends?

So it's not just 'a couple of times a year' he's expected to have people staying over or be sociable and make an effort with your family or friends is it?

I don't think he's unreasonable drawing a line. And I certainly don't think he's selfish, controlling, a bully, weird, a git or potentially abusive as so many posters here seem to have concluded.

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2023 11:40

I agree with the poster above.

also if his family stay in hotels to not impose this is also a way his been raised thing. It’s normal for him to see people and go out with people but then everyone retreats to their own space. Perfectly fine.

Josell12345 · 30/08/2023 12:10

So he is ok with some people but not others? I agree he shouldnt be expected to join in although it would be nice but as for sayibg people cant stay and not "id rather they didnt" is co trolling and bossy without a decent reason given. If he didnt like ANYONE staying fair enough but choosing who can and who cant 🤦‍♀️. Hes controlking and sounds lime he could be a bit on the old spectrum maybe

BigOldBlue1 · 30/08/2023 12:16

Urgh I would hate to have to host your family as much if my family were giving you space by staying in hotels. So what if he liked your cousin?

Doesn't mean he wants to sit there in his pyjamas over breakfast going "so John, you work in IT did you say?"

Original poster
SperaT · 30/08/2023 12:23

Just to clarify something - in my previous post I said my sister had stayed twice in the past year. That's twice, but for one night each time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SperaT · 30/08/2023 12:53

BigOldBlue1 · 30/08/2023 12:16

Urgh I would hate to have to host your family as much if my family were giving you space by staying in hotels. So what if he liked your cousin?

Doesn't mean he wants to sit there in his pyjamas over breakfast going "so John, you work in IT did you say?"

@BigOldBlue1 yes his family choose to stay in hotels. But I would be very happy if they stayed with us instead.

My family aren't used to staying in hotels, they find them expensive in London, and they would be so hurt if I said 'no you can't stay in our spare ensuite bedroom, please pay £150+ to stay in a very basic hotel instead'.

OP posts:
ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 14:11

BigOldBlue1 · 30/08/2023 12:16

Urgh I would hate to have to host your family as much if my family were giving you space by staying in hotels. So what if he liked your cousin?

Doesn't mean he wants to sit there in his pyjamas over breakfast going "so John, you work in IT did you say?"

Exactly.

I've met hundreds of people I like. That doesn't mean I want to be obligated that they stay in my house and I have to spend time with them.

ShakiraBahera · 30/08/2023 14:27

SperaT · 30/08/2023 12:23

Just to clarify something - in my previous post I said my sister had stayed twice in the past year. That's twice, but for one night each time.

And your parents spent 3 nights twice.

So it's still 4 months a year that weekends or weeks are disrupted by your family coming to stay and your DH puts up with it and does everything sociable you expect of him.

That's him doing what you want and making an effort. Going by MN posts, I don't think most people are champing at the bit to host their in-laws and for most people, it isn't a fantastically enjoyable time. But they tolerate it.

So he does. And you say "that's not enough, I want more guests that aren't close family and I also expect you to spend time with these virtual strangers and pretend to enjoy it.

So he says no, I don't want to do that. This is my house too and I already do a lot hosting your family and socialising with your friends.

Which is true.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 30/08/2023 16:02

humblebrag and an idiot husband
#slowclap

Dryona · 30/08/2023 16:07

This is so utterly bizarre. I'm probably the most anti social, introverted person I know IRL and I would never say my friends or my husband's friends should stay in a hotel unless (a) we didn't have the space for them to stay (b) they preferred to stay in a hotel or (c) they were really objectionable people (in which case I can't see that either of us would be friends with them).

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:08

How would he feel about a single male friend then or a lesbian couple? Sounds a bit like he doesn't want a man in HIS space or around his wife late at night.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 30/08/2023 16:18

My Husband would never say a blanket no or say he wouldn't allow it, just as I wouldn't say it to him, we are equals and respect each others wants so I do feel this is unreasonable on this level, however, my husband is neurodiverse and our home is very much his quiet retreat/sanctuary. I know he hates having people to stay, even though in the past he has put up with it without complaint. He is very routine driven and needs space/peace to be able to regulate himself so out of respect for him I have stopped agreeing to anyone staying.

JSmithIloveyou · 30/08/2023 16:20

Isn't a cousin family?
I think he's being ridiculous and nasty..

Goodluckanddontfitup · 30/08/2023 16:22

To me, your home should be the space you feel most comfortable and relaxed in, and if your husband doesn’t feel comfortable with people in his home any more often, that should be respected. As I’m reading it there’s 5 weekends a year you host family for overnight stays, as well as socialising with your friends on average once a month. I personally would hate that and find it way too much, everyone’s tolerance to social situations differs and nobody is wrong here, but as I say your house is your home and it sounds like he prefers his own privacy in his own home and has already compromised with letting your family stay through the year

AbraKedavra · 30/08/2023 16:23

I find some of the negative comments so utterly bizarre, it's as if they're speaking an alien language I just cannot comprehend. This thread reminds me of another thread a while back about someone's husband not wanting to host a woman and her child escaping a bad relationship. And what a total clusterfuck that turned out to be.

My partner and I are very hospitable. We have an almost open door policy, albeit not for sleeping due to lack of space. And even for sleeping, in a pinch, we've managed to find room many times.

Yet neither of us would ever dream of inviting a guest where it makes the other even slightly uncomfortable. This isn't even being a 'good' partner, it's just the most basic level of decency. Both partners should feel safe and comfortable at home, and that safety and comfort should never be impinged upon by outside guests.

It beggars belief that this should even be a question. And what's with some posters telling the OP to invite her guests anyway, it's just disgraceful.

Now if for example my partner wouldn't allow me to invite my parents or vice versa, that would in itself be an issue of control/abuse. And even then we still wouldn't ride roughshod over the other's wishes - though we might split up because of it. However in this case it's friends we're talking about. Friends.

How absurd that some would think hosting friends trumps one's partner's feelings.

And just BTW, to those saying it's alienating, it's not. I have a close friend abroad who won't even host me for a meal because of their spouse's insecurities. It doesn't impact our friendship one bit. Whenever I'm over there, we meet up for breakfast or drinks, and spend hours together. It's not that complicated to make it work.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 30/08/2023 16:38

Also agree with pp that it does appear it’s the OP trying to controlling here rather than the other way round, he’s compromised. There’s some real unwarranted man bashing on this site sometimes