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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He bit me

215 replies

Hotpotato23 · 27/08/2023 20:56

My dh and I got into a fight yesterday and it probably got more heated than it should have. The reason was silly and nothing serious overall but I think we were both just tired and stressed out. At some stage during the argument he leaned forward and bit me in my upper arm right below the shoulder. It really hurt and he backed off, but today I have a noticeable bruise and I still find it painful.
We aren't fighting any more, and he did apologise, but he doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that he caused me to bruise.
I don't know what to make of it if I'm honest. I am pissed off of course, but I also think it's such a strange thing that he did. Do people actually do this? I have never deliberately bitten anyone in my whole life!

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 29/08/2023 06:28

Alstoybarn · 29/08/2023 04:52

This happened to me last year. It escalated and recently he tried to murder me.

Are you okay now? Safe?

partypompoms · 29/08/2023 06:51

Speak to your sister and also to your midwife. X

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 07:07

I just knew the OP would be pregnant.

I absolutely hate these men…

Autieangel · 29/08/2023 07:27

I hope your sister supports you.

TikTokCat · 29/08/2023 07:37

Alstoybarn · 29/08/2023 04:52

This happened to me last year. It escalated and recently he tried to murder me.

I hope you are safe now.

OP - I hope your sister can help you.

TheFutureIs · 29/08/2023 07:56

Think about the advice you'd give to your sister or a friend if they were in your situation. I'd assume you'd suggest the police and to leave the relationship.
Please do take this seriously, once an abuser has started they don't stop/change. Look after yourself and the little one you are growing

Lastchancechica · 29/08/2023 08:08

What works for lots of women in your position is imagining him doing this to your baby.

Yes, as painful as it is to think about, he will hurt your baby undoubtedly in time. How can he not?

Leave for the sake of your baby if nothing else.

You can not raise a newborn with a man that bites. Simply put, you are putting both your baby and yourself at immense risk.

Bettyboop505 · 29/08/2023 08:57

scoobysnaxx · 28/08/2023 21:34

@Hotpotato23

OP you must understand.

Domestic violence often STARTS when a woman is pregnant. It escalates tenfold.

I am a psychotherapist and the facts around domestic violence are horrendous.

Trust me when I say it will only get worse and it will GET WORSE.

I can't imagine how confused you feel as he's not been like this before. You must be hurt and confused and you are so so vulnerable now to his words and his sorry's and his promises. If he makes them. Or any threats.

Let yourself breath. Talk to those closest to you.

But please leave. And report to the police when you are ready to.

Please please do not leave yourself and your precious baby at the mercy of this man in this house.

Take control now. Your future self and your baby will never regret it and you'll be so bloody glad you did.

Why does it tend to happen more when someone is pregnant? lt never ceases to amaze... is it jealousy of something? Potentially not no1 anymore? Feel like have less chance of leaving as will struggle alone?

scoobysnaxx · 29/08/2023 10:02

@Bettyboop505

Yes it's a very disturbing fact that still appalls me to this day.

For many reasons, mainly jealously. Focus and attention is now placed on baby as no1. Freud would have a field day with that.

Could be because of unplanned pregnancy, worries about finances. Women are more vulnerable and dependent and abusive men exploit this. Women less likely to leave due to dependency/vulnerability/finances/not wanting to give up the dream. Abusers don't feel in control anymore.

Many reasons.

It's truly disturbing I cannot tell you the amount of women I've spoken to who've had no inkling of abuse and then it's started up in pregnancy.

Much less a bite!!

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 10:13

I think men like that are caught between feeling they have to do the conventional thing in life (partner and kids), and hating women - hating "having" to do the conventional thing in life. They hate the responsibility, the tied down-ness etc. etc. but they also don't want you be alone/left out/not conform. They have a choice, but in their heads they have no choice and they hate women for it.

They also know the vast majority of women won't stay with them as a partner - fulfilling all the roles they fulfill (co contributer to rent or mortgage, house work doer, laundry doer, life admin doer, plus-one for every social occasion, the person who gives them the appearance of normality, conventionality, respectability, child are provider, regular sex provider etc etc) without having a family.
While there are greater numbers of people not having kids and being honest about not wanting kids; inmky experience the vast majority of women still want kids. Finding one who doesn't is needle in a hag stack stuff. So they feel they have to do it, but hate women for it.
They even want the conventional set up themselves, with kids 6 (and also what better way to tie a woman to you, restrict her opportunities, make her dependant etc) but still somehow can't deal with their resentment and hate.

There is a school of thought that says abusive men have to be the centre of the universe for their partner. Top priority; they know they're no longer that and again, resentment and anger etc come on as a result.

Annaishere · 29/08/2023 10:17

@Bettyboop505 it can be because you suddenly need them more and there’s pressure on the relationship

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 10:17

I'd speculate that abusers are at heart predators. And predators respond to/act according to perceived vulnerability.

Their thinking is "you're vulnerable now, you're not Inna position of power, you better recognise that, you better do what I tell you and not argue back, you should no better than to be "mouthy" to me now" and if their partner doesn't conform to what they see as their lower position in the hierarchy; bulnerabke & dependant) it makes them angry and it makes them want to display aggression and dominance.

Biting is a demo of aggression and dominance.

They are apes.

Annaishere · 29/08/2023 10:18

@GilbertMarkham i agree with that as well

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 10:26

I do think women completely underestimate how many men think that they are doing us a massive favour not using their greater strength & size to get what they want/make us do what they want/stop us from asserting ourselves etc.

I've seen that attitude simmering under the surface and sometimes breaking through in a lot of men.

With abusers like this; it's broken through the surface (probably with the trigger of feeling their partner is now somewhat trapped/dependant and therefore they should not have their dominance questioned or challenged now).
I think that attitude has always been there, just not shown so obviously or physically til now.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 10:31

I think men like that are caught between feeling they have to do the conventional thing in life (partner and kids), and hating women - hating "having" to do the conventional thing in life. They hate the responsibility, the tied down-ness etc. etc. but they also don't want you be alone/left out/not conform. They have a choice, but in their heads they have no choice and they hate women for it.

This is awful, but I also think there is a lot of truth in it.

EyesEars · 29/08/2023 10:32

TaniaBania · 27/08/2023 21:08

Horrifying. I think you might be under-reacting due to the fact it’s so weird. No better than punching you and should be seen in the same light.

Worse than punching in my book as its such a bizarre thing to do. Animals do it.

DocCee · 29/08/2023 10:35

Eww! What a revolting feral creature.
Run for the hills before this escalates
further and he starts sinking his teeth into your baby.

Itsnamechange · 29/08/2023 10:38

Op I hope you're OK. I know this will have had a massive impact on you and suddenly your life as you saw it ahead of you has been torn apart. I understand the desire to pretend it just didn't happen but it did.

Many of us here have escaped abuse and since done a lot of work to understand red flags and how abuse can escalate. Trust me when I say that him assaulting you when you're pregnant is textbook abuser behaviour. HE BIT YOU. Please don't just speak to your sister. I'm sure she's lovely and supportive but if she's not educated on DV she might not understand the significance herself. Please speak to Women's Aid.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/08/2023 10:40

Ltb today right now. Take photos of the injury even if not planning to go to the police.
Try and think forward to the future- what if he is allowed to have the child without you and injures or kills it? It might sound like I'm being dramatic but you only have to read the news to see it happens every day.
I would report to the police because then its on record and evidence if he starts gaslighting you and fighting with you at court.
This is a very dangerous man and both you and your baby are in danger. Please please please look after yourself xx

Prelapsarianhag · 29/08/2023 11:35

I am so sorry this is happening to you at such a vulnerable moment - you must be reeling reading what poster after poster is saying. But they are right, this man is not safe for you to be around.
As pp has said you need this assault on record as there will come a day when you have to leave him but won't want him having unsupervised time with your child.
With such an extreme assault it would be very unusual for it to be the first time for him. I would bet that he has done it before to someone else, thus why he is not shocked at having done it.
He is not the man you thought he was. Abusers bide their time and can show you a kind face for years before deciding the time is right to assert their dominance.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 12:27

He sounds like he should be in ape sanctuary instead of posing as a human.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 12:29

Also such sudden, oddball, malevolent behaviour is not something I'd want to test around a demanding, crying baby.

Babies & toddlers test you to the maximum of every scrap of tolerance and forbearance and self control you have.

Pocodaku · 29/08/2023 12:32

What?! This was a deliberate act of physical abuse!

PaminaMozart · 29/08/2023 12:55

Please report this assault - because this is what it is - to police.

Now you can still leave without much ado. Once you've had the baby, you will be infinitely more vulnerable.

If for any reason you feel unable to leave just yet, please make sure that you do not become financially dependent on him. And secure a running-away fund...... as you most likely WILL need it at some point.

Though, as I said, the best time to leave is now.

PaminaMozart · 29/08/2023 12:58

Just to add, in case it hasn't been suggested yet: please do the Freedom Programme.

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