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Desperate yet picky single people

276 replies

Floogal · 27/08/2023 14:22

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

  1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.
OP posts:
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DoIDareDareIDo · 27/08/2023 14:31

Why do you take it so personally.

These people seem to be mostly just venting.
I mean, mist of the coupled up people I know whinhe about their partners most of the time.

Single people are allowed to have a type and likes & dislikes.

Is this more about the fact that you don’t like these two people much (you seem very judgy in your post), or do you believe single people should just date literally anyone willing enough?

Are you one of thise people who has never been single more than few days or been in a relationship for ages?

DojaPhat · 27/08/2023 14:41

But why should they settle for someone just for the sake of partnership? That's a well-worn road to unhappiness. That said, if it irks you to this extent just ignore ignore ignore it - it makes no material difference to you if someone else is single. Tell them you don't want to hear it either.

Your barometer of unrealistic or unattractive is just that - your barometer. How long would you stay in a relationship with a George Clooney lookalike who bathed twice a month and thought nothing of spending his days on your couch playing FiFA while working his way through a multipack of Carlsberg waiting for you to get home from work to make dinner? Of course that's an exaggeration to the wider point I'm trying to make which is regardless of the number of people seeking love/relationships - building a healthy, functional and consistent relationship is tough going when you consider the nature of the dating game in today's world let alone the mutual compromises it would require to sustain it.

PaintedEgg · 27/08/2023 14:42

As far as let peeves go this is not the worst one out there :P

I don't think these people are wrong to have types and stick to them. At least they stay single, rather than dating someone who does not meet their expectations and then try to force these people to fit their desired box.

category12 · 27/08/2023 14:45

So, you want them to settle for someone they don't fancy and shut up?

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 27/08/2023 14:56

I am 50 and am currently OLD. I'll hazard a guess and say that you are in a couple. None of my friends who are happily married are able to understand what it's like being single..(and I don't blame them for that. We are in completely different situations).
There is probably a lot more going on underneath the surface than they have shared with you. It takes a lot of time / strength to be happy alone, so giving that up (even if you want to meet someone) is a scary prospect. A kind of self protection mechanism.
But also , why shouldn't someone be picky?

I'm not giving up my independence for just anyone. No one should

Your post does sound judgmental but I think this comes maybe from a place of not really understanding their situation.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2023 15:03

"there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) "

What? Do you mean because slightly more males are born?
Many more men are gay than women are, many more are in prison, they die earlier and women usually outnumber men in cities so for me, no there is NO surplus of single men.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2023 15:06

I also think it's one thing if you try, but just can't develop an attraction for someone. It's out of your control.
It's something else if people won't even entertain the prospect of being with someone who doesn't tick every item on their wishlist.

Bellyblueboy · 27/08/2023 15:06

Really - this is a big deal in your life?

how has it become such as issue for you? Why does it press your buttons?

most people can just ignore or roll their eyes.

my biggest pet peeve is people who blow stuff out of proportion

PurpleChrayne · 27/08/2023 15:07

Can we hear more about her belief that Madonna has made men gay? I'm intrigued.

scoobydoo1971 · 27/08/2023 15:09

Some people who are single are happily so, and one of the sources of contentment is related to the fact that they are not willing to settle for mates who are neglectful of their bodies, bank accounts and the kindness of others. People are complex creatures and there are a myriad of reasons why they may express a wish to date, while rejecting all suitors. There is a pressure on people not to be Billy no mates, and that extends to dating too. Some single people may not be interested in dating but pretend to be so they are not regarded as some kind of asexual outlier on the social bell curve. Anyone who is 'desperate' for a relationship is doomed from get go, because if your mind is on the relationship status and not the partner then it is a slippery slope of putting up with abuse, neglect etc just to not be single. With age, I meet many people who are happily single as they have learned from past mistakes, or just feel happy and content with life. That sure happened to me, and I wouldn't touch 99% of single men I meet with a barge pole nowadays as I find them a waste of my time. I meet a lot due to my business and they are typically jaded about an ex, lacking finance to support themselves (aspiring cocklodgers), dull as dish water or selfish. Ex-boyfriends have all wanted to get married, and I can only assume that is to get their feet under my table and share my money. I get younger men chasing me, and I am not on any dating apps or showing signs of looking as very unwell (having a lot of surgery). I am an 50 something single parent with an average body and no time to do hair and makeup, and having quite obvious disabilities. Why the interest? I assume they want a sugarmommy to make their lives easier, or else they would be going for younger, fertile, healthy prospects. I don't buy into the 'Oh Scooby, you are beautiful-lovely-funny-special-talented' chat up lines as I can see beyond that old rubbish. I suspect there are very few single people at mid-life and beyond who are worth getting desperate over.

yourmotherknitssocksinhell · 27/08/2023 15:10

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WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 27/08/2023 15:19

Which one of these are you @Floogal ?

naxos · 27/08/2023 15:23

No offence OP but the people you're talking about both sound deeply odd in other ways (the constant FB posting in his late 30s, the Madonna thing).

The 'single people are just too picky thing' is annoying because it's always said by someone who, in the next breath does that 'If my partner and I split up, I'd never date again! I'd just be happy on my own tinkly laugh, no man could ever compete with my Paul' thing. These are often the people who think they're in a relationship through their own sheer hard-work and achievement, rather than a combination of circumstances and luck. They think because they've got their partner everyone else should be happy to settle for anything.

Secondly, a lot of the women (I think this is a sex-specific point) you are accusing of being 'too picky' would probably happily compromise on at least one thing you think their standards are too high on, if they met a man who was decent in other ways and they could feel (or imagine feeling) genuine attraction towards. So often, 'I wasn't feeling it because I didn't like [seemingly small thing' is actually 'I wasn't feeling it because I didn't feel a genuine attraction/my gut was telling me something was off' but it seems less acceptable to say that.

Floogal · 27/08/2023 15:30

PurpleChrayne · 27/08/2023 15:07

Can we hear more about her belief that Madonna has made men gay? I'm intrigued.

@PurpleChrayne apparently because she was a gay icon in the 80s and 90s. Personally I think Madonna is overrated. But, she (my colleague who said that) was just venting and seemed quite angry and bitter. Also her 'friends' seem to use her which probably doesn't help

OP posts:
lolstevelol · 27/08/2023 15:47

@Gwenhwyfar On dating sites men outnumber women 5:1 at least. This does not include the fact that many women are just in dating sites to feed their ego and increase their social media following, not to actually meet someone.

SophiaElise · 27/08/2023 16:04

A picky person is clearly not desperate.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2023 16:07

lolstevelol · 27/08/2023 15:47

@Gwenhwyfar On dating sites men outnumber women 5:1 at least. This does not include the fact that many women are just in dating sites to feed their ego and increase their social media following, not to actually meet someone.

I bet a lot of those men don't want to meet up in real life or are only after casual sex so there isn't really a 5:1 ratio. However, I'm glad you've informed me of that - I had no idea because I only look around in real life and in my life there are always more women.

Cupcakekiller · 27/08/2023 16:15

How can they be both picky and desperate?

milkydress · 27/08/2023 16:21

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Floogal · 27/08/2023 16:33

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Nope I'm a remoaner

OP posts:
LifeIsShambolic · 27/08/2023 16:39

I kind of get what you mean@Floogal I think you just haven't phrased things very well in your OP.
I work with a very young woman, she is always on Tinder looking for a man. The guy has to be minimum 6' tall and athletic with dark hair and chiselled jaw line. She will not settle for anything less than this adonis (think love Island contestant). She is approximately 5'6 and probably weighs around 16/17 stone, dresses very casually, no makeup, no effort with her hair and just generally is not the type the guy of her dreams will go for.....these guys are not going to be short of offers from very attractive women.
She gets plenty of matches from 'average' looking guys with a bit of a dad bod but just laughs and says 'as if I would date that!' I suspect she might be single for a very long time.

suitcasecoveredincathair · 27/08/2023 16:39

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tt9 · 27/08/2023 16:42

I kinda see what you are saying, but I feel its a deeper problem than that.

I think large numbers of both men and women in modern times have a very unrealistic idea of what love/relationships are about and hence even if they are well matched, fail to make it work in the long term.

now, with gender nonconformity and the move towards polyamory etc. things are on their way to getting even more messed up. and I am old fashioned in that I feel monogamous relationships + children = stable society so I feel this is cause for concern.

single people who are single due to being choosy are really not that big a problem.

Cupcakekiller · 27/08/2023 16:43

@suitcasecoveredincathair 😂😂

What the OP means is that they are picky but want to meet someone, which is fine. It's their life and they are entitled to be as picky as they want, even if it's unrealistic. If they bore you, don't listen to them.

LlynTegid · 27/08/2023 16:45

I wish people were more picky. And some people were single for life, I'm sure we could all pick any one of threads about men (usually) who should never be in a relationship.

I'd be happy to hear some complaints in return for this.