Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

I've just got back from a first OLD where we found out that the venue only took card payments when the bill came, and the guy said he was going to pay by a split of card and cash, so was stuck.

To avoid the situation, I offered to go 50/50, at which point he said to me to pay the whole thing, then he'd give me some cash, which he did. I counted the cash when I got home, and it turned out he'd given me £30.

Now, call me picky, but I found it hugely unattractive that a 42 year old man who has spent the last week or so telling me about his £1.2m flat (rented), how many businesses he has, and how money is nothing to him, then didn't have money to pay a £60 restaurant bill.

It's not that I'm out for a man's money as I earn a high salary myself, however I found the whole thing so embarrassing, and really don't want to be with someone who is either tight with money (been there, done that with my EXDP), or someone who would struggle to afford a similar lifestyle to the one I give myself and my DC. I'd honestly rather be with nobody.

@Starseeking yes, stinginess is not an attractive quality at all but sounds like he was lying to impress you. I've been generous in the past myself but I think you just get people who are users/freeloaders with money and your emotions. I want someone solvent enough to equal myself.

When they are insistent about 50/50 even before the date, then the bar is set way too low for me.

I'm struggling with why anyone thinks they shouldn't have to pay at least 50/50.
Why do you think someone should pay your bill?😂

Who said they are desperate? Most women would rather stay single than date someone they don’t find attractive. Just because they are single and have been a long time doesn’t mean they should date anyone.

@Missamyp its a date not a mate. All that splitting the bill does here is say, in not so many words, that he is keeping £30 to spend on the next date. He’s invested nothing in the future of this “relationship”.
Its not about the cost of the meal. He could have asked their first date to be coffee and cake. That £30 would have picked up the tab and shown he was interested.

@Starseeking

Splitting the bill wouldn’t bother me but it’s the awkwardness of your situation that sounds strange. Im a bit confused about him being ‘stuck’ because they only took cards - was he saying he didn’t have any money in the bank? If so why go on a date in first place?

I don’t think men should be expected to foot the whole bill and I would always offer to split without being promoted. It’s nice when they do pay but it shouldn’t be automatically expected imo.

Have to agree. Trading Standards deal with the sale of goods and services

Isn't the point not that people can and should be picky about who they date, but that if you are looking for things that you don't offer then you are asking potential partners not to be picky. If they are, then you are not going to get the partner you want. So complaining about no partners in this situation is basically complaining nobody is prepared to make the compromises that you aren't prepared to make.

You've misunderstood the situation; it seemed like he was stuck because he didn't have enough cash in the bank to pay the £60 himself, as he wasn't offering to pay the whole thing, but took it upon himself to suggest that I should; what if I didn't have £60 in the bank to pay the whole bill? What would he/we have done then?!? It was a shock given all what I now know to be hyperbole before the date.

I'm not ashamed to say I like a man who takes the lead, and one who appears to show care from the outset. I learnt a lot of things the hard way from my relationship with my EXDP, and I am not planning to repeat my mistakes made there.

I spend my working days making significant decisions around income and expenditure for my company so on the home front, I'm quite happy to take a back seat back lol I need to find someone who is comfortable taking up that role.

That's what it seemed like.

If he'd have paid the whole bill, I absolutely would have offered half. It was the way he said "why don't you pay the whole thing and I'll give you the money" (though it wasn't really phrased as a question, given there was no other option) which put me off him.

So you think people that are not attractive to you should just get in a relationship with anybody? You don’t understand how attraction works…

That’s so strange and awkward. Surely many places are card only these days and were prepared for that? I’d have been put off too. What a strange situation.

I had a date once who literally sat there with his hands in his pockets when the server came over with the card machine and just watched me pay without a word. Then had the cheek to message asking if he is what I’m looking for - errrr that’s a no.

I am autistic so bear with me but I’m confused why women being equal
in society now why are men still expected to pay? Seems like you want all the good things but things like bills etc men are still expected to pay. Cake and eat it?

Less to do with having your cake and eating it than to do with how the overall interaction left her feeling. The PP explained “really don't want to be with someone who is either tight with money (been there, done that with my EXDP), or someone who would struggle to afford a similar lifestyle to the one I give myself and my DC”, and if the man’s behaviour gave her the impression they were unlikely to be compatible in this respect, then it’s not likely to work out. There are ways of going 50:50 that don’t have to be awkward.

@Mambo19866 they aren’t expected to. Everyone offers to split 50/50.

However when someone picks up the bill it shows they are interested or have enough money for it not to matter either way. It is more useful for women to know this as we typically invest more in a date ( from paying a babysitter, to time ie putting on make up, getting dressed, to going out alone etc etc) than a man typically would.

Just because someone is single doesn't mean they have to get together with the first person that shows them interest. Just because someone is less attractive doesn't mean they have to get with the first person that shows them interest

I think most women are happy to split the bill or take turns paying however in my experience, most men will pay the first date (at least) and refuse to split.
I still think it’s courteous for the woman to offer not just expect to be paid for but it’s also nice when a man refuses and insists on paying.

Personally I wouldn’t go on a date without the means to pay for myself but I’d gracefully accept the man paying. That’s my take anyway.

Though I would never go for dinner on the first date anyway so it’s usually coffee or a few drinks - I wouldn’t be going anywhere pricey and wanting to be paid for.

Yep. It does seem some think single people should drop their bar to the basement and hook up with any random wrongun who shows them the slightest bit of attention because it’s better than nothing.

I would always make sure I had enough to pay for myself and will always expect and offer to split. But equally it’s nice for a man to offer to cover the bill, especially on a first date. There’s a tough balance between chivalry and respecting the modern capable woman and I do feel a bit sorry for men who surely must fear causing offence either way and at every turn these days 😂

Where did you get the idea women had achieved equality?

This was publlished in 2019, but doubt much has changed:

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5d401dd640f0b60aa2af4267/GEO_GEEE_Strategy_Gender_Equality_Roadmap_Rev_1__1_.pdf

If I'm going to be picking up after him, looking after his children and washing his dirty undies, I want to be assured he'll pick up the occasional meal bill on his extra wages.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66866879

https://business.leeds.ac.uk/research-ceric/dir-record/research-blog/2096/the-gendered-effects-of-uk-childcare-policies

As it is, I always go 50:50 because too many men, consciously or not, think they are buying you when they pay for a meal.

not that hard if you believe that women are human beings rather than appliances where you can accidentally press the wrong combinations of buttons

it seemed like he was stuck because he didn't have enough cash in the bank to pay the £60 himself, as he wasn't offering to pay the whole thing, but took it upon himself to suggest that I should; what if I didn't have £60 in the bank to pay the whole bill? What would he/we have done then?!? It was a shock given all what I now know to be hyperbole before the date.

Reckon he had no money at all in the bank. Which is off because it makes him a liar about his high income etc. I wouldn't care about the income I'd care about the lies. If he earned what he said he'd have an overdraft facility or credit card at least and it wouldn't all be maxed out. That £30 was all he had in the world at that moment, I think. That's why he wanted to be clear he wasn't paying your share too. Eating out at that place would be something he never normally does either, because otherwise he'd know it didn't take cash, so further misrepresentation of the type of person he is. You can't start a relationship based on lies and expect it to go anywhere, so he couldn't have been expecting it to go anywhere then except perhaps to bed after dinner, which is just more reason to get the ick. His whole attitude to the date is saying, before you've even met, that he doesn't care who you are or how lovely you may be, you're not worth it and there's no way he's going to treat you to this meal.

Or I wonder if he even engineered the situation deliberately so you'd have no choice but to pay, since he was so quick to suggest it, to avoid any possibility of you not going halves. Going halves is fine but I wouldn't be happy to be manipulated like that, manipulative people are trouble. So whatever his reasoning for his actions, he doesn't come out of this looking good.

This man has a girlfriend/wife.

He doesn't want the meal out appearing on his bank statement @Starseeking

Good thinking 👏

He could have brought cash and handed it over then and there.