Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

You sound like a smug married, who is passing harsh judgement on those who are not.

😂 Best typo ever.

OP people can be very sad, very lonely ( which you interpret as desperate) but still terrified to let someone in.

Perhaps you could work on being a bit kinder?

Paul Hollywood is attractive? Who knew.

I can see what you mean @Floogal but you haven't quite phrased it clearly. I know women who have a whole list of requirements, and that's totally their prerogative. What id agree with though is if they want that gorgeous, tall Prince Charming, you need to also bring something to the table. I have friends who have never left home (now in 40s, virgin), and still want all of this Prince Charming stuff. Not all of us are like this, we have different needs/wants, and can offer a lot. Why shouldn't we have reasonable standards!

That's a very strange thing to say! I always thought the reason there were more men on OLD was because the married ones are on there as well.

I get what you're saying op. Yes, people should be picky, but be picky about that right things!

I had (had because I couldn't tolerate the ridiculousness anymore) a single friend who did nothing just moan about being single and wanted the Adonis looking, Prince Charming who would sweep her off her feet, and be able to house her in a very swish, fancy house and take her on long extravagant holidays and would shower her with attention. And yet she was so reserved she wouldn't even say hello to someone when we were out (would literally turn away to hide), and she is an ordinary looking 50+ year old as well. (As am I, so not being mean about it!)

So is she meant to just become extroverted?

The Madonna thing is beyond hilarious.

Does she believe she "made" them gay, or just made them more comfortable coming out as gay?

If it's the former, who knew a somewhat talented, driven, narcissist teeny Italian American woman who sings (and acts rather badly) has such incredible power over others.

If it's the latter, even if they hadn't come out as gay; they'd still be gay. So is she saying she's rather they got into relationships with women like her, be in the closet, use her as a beard, and either never have sex with the people they're actually sexually & emotionally attracted to (or possibly be on Grindr and going to gay saunas etc. behind her back - while having presumably unprotected sex with her)??
That's the relationship she'd like for her and any kids she produced with these gay men Madonna has either created or freed to come out?

Anyway the whole thing is beyond bonkers. It makes her sound bonkers. Many people will understandably leg it from someone who says bonkers things; maybe that's why she's had trouble getting into lasting relationships. If she was super attractive, some people would not leg it even with thinking she's a space cadet/bonkers, but you say she's not.

If you want to bag a Prince Charming the fact of the matter is, you have to look a certain way too. If you’re trying to punch above your weight, it’s going to be harder, as there will be women out there that ARE in the same league as a Prince Charming. That’s the problem really. Of course don’t settle, but you also need to be realistic.

Exactly - I think most women's experience of old has been that many many of the men are attached.

well aren't you lovely! Nobody can help who they find attractive...and who they don't find attractive

The bloke; he sounds like he wants a partner out of his league.

He has to either be very lucky or wealthy to get that.

It's not surprising he's single.

I have a friend who is absolutely desperate for a partner but has a list of:

Must have ripped abs and be v good looking
In their 30s
Absolutely NO grey hair
Good job and financially secure
Devote all their attention to her

She is:
Early 40s
Overweight
Dresses like a teenager
Over inflated sense of own attractiveness
Whines about everyone else having a partner and she doesn't. Doesn't understand why.

Yes.

But if they want a partner, they have to be realistic about relative attractiveness (of them and who they are attracted to).

Or rich.

And you never hear coupled people say "yes, I totally settled for DP, they weren't what I wanted really but I knew my limitations in attracting someone better"

Nor do you ever ime hear coupled people say "I know I'm no oil painting so settled for DP who is just as objectively physically unattractive or less so, than I am"!.

This has to be the most insane comment I have heard since I heard a conspiracy theorist exclaim that someone she saw do a stupid road man oeuvre ‘must be vaccinated’.

You do realise that you are as prejudiced as all those racists and homophobes and whatever that you presumably look down on? You do realise you are cut from the same cloth as them?

People should be picky and look for a decent human being overall.

What you are alluding to is that people that are not that attractive expect absolutely gorgeous people to want to date them. You are actually looking at the physical side.

Due to social media and also the extent of cosmetic procedures things have become further skewed.

A male friend of mine once said that women that wore a lot of make up, hair extensions , padded bras and control knickers were breaching trading standards. It’s even worse now with the use of filters on photos.

I have had a few friends do online dating with various success but the one that was very attractive had a much better time.

What do you do though when a friend really isn’t that good looking. I look back to a friend who was a kind person but really was not physically attractive and who had a child who was not easy to be around because of their behaviour, her life was not easy. I knew her for a decade and she got one match. She built up a fantasy in her head and sadly nothing came of it. She became increasingly bitter about life and she lost her nice side, we fell out.

A man could be Adonis personified, if he is boring, he isn’t worth dating

How are you going to find out if he is boring if you don’t date him?

wanted the Adonis looking, Prince Charming who would sweep her off her feet, and be able to house her in a very swish, fancy house and take her on long extravagant holidays and would shower her with attention
I'm in my 50s and unattractive too, @OrderOfTheKookaburra and I'd love this. Pretty sure I'd still like it if I was in my 90s and bed-bound. When I was a spotty 15-year-old I'd also have liked David Hasselhoff to pick me up outside my mum's house in KITT :D

Don't most people have a) impossible dreams, b) ideal standards and c) standards they'll actually also be fine with when the right person eventually comes along?

OP: I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single
Does anyone remember the episode from "Extras" where Maggie's annoying friend keeps trying to set her up with men Maggie does not fancy, but that the friend thinks are on her level?

When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony)

Well to be honest, them not having a car or much money would put me off. I'm in a financially stable position thankfully and I am not prepared to risk that, in my late 40s, by beginning a relationship with someone who doesn't have much money. I've been burned by a cocklodger in the past - never again. They don't have to be rich but in their late 40s I'd expect them to be financially secure, with a decent job and living in some kind of stable accommodation - whether that be their own home or a rental property - rather than living with parents, lodging (my cocklodger lodged before he moved in with me..), or living in a house of multiple occupation. If that makes me picky and prejudiced - so be it - I have to protect my own financial stability.

Not having a car would put me off because of the place I live in where it is impossible to do anything without a car. If I was living in a city like I used to, with good public transport, then it wouldn't be an issue.

I'm late 40s and I am currently happily single and it's very unlikely that will change now. However, I had a phase of OLD a while back and I'm afraid the dating pool wasn't great at all - I wasn't being picky about appearances and so on. A large majority of the men on there were just looking for a shag. There were a lot of married men or men in relationships. Very few were interested in getting to know someone and seeing if a relationship developed. Several in their 50s were "waiting for retirement" and yeah, were boring. Many were looking for a "nurse with a purse" as they approached retirement.
It isn't that easy to find someone once you're in your 40s.

I suspect you are married or in a long-term relationship. If that's the case then I really do think you are being unfair. If you were single and having to fish in the dating pool as it is at the moment, I suspect you would be moaning too.

A male friend of mine once said that women that wore a lot of make up, hair extensions , padded bras and control knickers were breaching trading standards.

This is brilliant.

I'm early 50s, as is my partner whom I nearly didn't bother swiping like. In the 8 months we've been together, he's had 4 likes on the Feeld app, I've had 1485. I haven't even filled out my whole profile - I did the bare minimum required to be able to take a look round to compare it with other apps. He filled out a detailed description and has a number of photos. It's fairly accurate, but doesn't really get over how brilliant he really is.

Neither of us was necessarily looking for a relationship, but luckily for him, I was a bit bored over Christmas... 😀

I'm not that picky - I have used the apps for casual sex, and I have met a few guys where I wasn't convinced they would be great, but thought they might do better in person. Some have been rubbish, others better. I've gained a couple of friends along the way. I don't take it too seriously, though. I've spent a lot of time single, and it's better than being in a rubbish relationship.

Crap dates can at least be turned into funny anecdotes, but I don't think you need to be a very picky woman to swipe no on some truly awful profiles. There's not really any excuse for blurred photos that cut off half the face or are angled up the nostrils; or have managed to cut out a woman's face at his shoulder, but not her arm; or the background is an unmade, untidy bed or a toilet; or just a car and no person at all... And that's all before you get to read the profiles, which may just say, "no one ever reads these" (men seem not to; women do, and many women skip profiles that have nothing written,) or "these apps don't work" (they do, but that blurred pic of your ear and not your actual face is mostly why it's not working for you...) etc, etc, etc.

It's not being picky to say no to those, and there are an awful lot of them. It's just the very barest minimum of self respect.

Wow what a delightful thread.

I'm happily single, I would like to meet someone but I'm not going to settle and yes I'm picky. Yes I like tall, atheltic men into sport and exercise with a brain who can hold an intelligent conversation. I'm slightly overweight, but I love sport and exercise, it's not stopped me getting who I want.

I know what I like, I know what I can get and yes I can get what I like no problem. I settled when I was younger and it was a miserable two years, no sex in two years just the thought of him made feel sick after we split. Even now I can't believe I dated him for so long. I was with my ex for 15 years and we had nothing in common and it showed by the end.

Why should I settle for someone I don't find attractive or have anything in common with.

Single people absolutely should be picky; they are lookingbfkrnsomeonentonspendntheir lives with, not just the next 5 minutes! It really isn't the case that anyone is better than no-one.

@knobkopf the point is she was uninteresting , skint and didn't drive herself. Was tempted to tell her "don't ask for what you can't give".